The Heartbreak Kid: The Egg Toss Page #3

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It's policy.

So what are the negatives?

Well, for one thing,

I've only known her for six weeks.

That's half a summer, Eddie.

I proposed to your mother

after three dates.

She gave me 18

of the best years of my life.

You were engaged to Jodi for five years.

What good did that do you?

All right, yeah,

but there's other stuff, too.

Such as?

She doesn't have

a great sense of humor.

Are you out of your mind?

Funny's a male gene, you idiot.

Haven't you ever noticed,

whenever you see a really funny girl,

she's a little mannish?

Think about it. Lily Tomlin,

Evelyn DeGeneres, Rosie O'Donnell...

Oh, I got a thing

for Ellen DeGeneres, though.

I do. I have to admit it.

I think she's great. I think she's hot.

Great ass.

Check it out.

All right, you know what?

Forget that stuff, okay? She's wonderful.

She's an incredible girl.

There's no better. Okay?

Still, just the idea of marriage.

It's just so permanent. You know?

It's like...

It's like at the end of the day,

I'm choosing between Lila

and all the other women in the world.

You've barely nailed

any of the other women in the world.

You haven't crushed more than three

pussies since you broke off with Jodi.

Dad, what is this obsession

with p*ssy-crushing counting?

I really, I just...

I'm not comfortable with that term.

Sorry. Snatch. Whatever.

- Who do you think you are?

- Huh?

Just who the hell

do you think you are, Eddie, huh?

Sitting here, trying to come up

with reasons not to marry this girl?

You should be thanking God

that a woman this fantastic

would even consider you.

Now, unless you wanna be

the 75-year-old dad

at the Little League game,

I suggest you get on with your life,

'cause that's what this is, Eddie. It's life!

Life, Eddie. Goes like that.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Congratulations, buddy.

You hit a home run.

Can you believe it? I did it!

I finally took the plunge.

And you know what? It feels great.

I told you it would.

Thank you. Thank you for talking

some sense into me, man.

I mean, look at this! Look at this.

I'm married to this amazing girl.

I got the next three weeks off.

- We're road-tripping it down to Cabo.

- Cabo.

That's it.

- You're in the club.

- I'm in the club.

Hey, when you get down to the hotel,

ask for Uncle Tito.

And give him this as a thank you.

Okay, look, remind me again,

who's Uncle Tito?

He's a friend of mine.

You know. I always take care of him.

He gives me a big discount

when I go down there.

He knows you're coming.

That's awesome, man. Thank you.

Honey! My mom finally arrived!

Oh, great! Where is she?

There's my tiger!

Give me a hug.

I am so sorry I missed the ceremony.

Look at her, so beautiful.

That's the same dress

I wore on my wedding day.

Same designer?

No, it's the very same dress.

Spread out now, Rosie doctor

Come cut loose her mama's reins

You know playin' blind man's bluff

is a little baby's game

You pick up Little Dynamite

I'm gonna pick up Little Gun

And together we're gonna go out tonight

And make that highway run

You got a pretty good voice there.

Why, thank you, soul mate.

I'm glad you like it,

'cause you're gonna be hearing

a lot of it for the next 40 or 50 years.

Forty or fifty years.

Hey, you know what I was thinking

when we get down there?

We should go out sport fishing.

I've always wanted to catch a marlin,

put it up in the store.

- No, baby, I can't do that.

- Why not?

Because I can't do boats.

I get really, really seasick.

- I'm sorry.

- That's all right.

That's okay. There's a lot of other

fun stuff we can do down there.

Yeah.

I definitely wanna get out of the hotel

a couple of days.

Maybe get a burro, you know?

A Mexican burro? Donkey?

Go up into the mountains?

You know, just have a little adventure.

- Really?

- Yeah.

I kind of thought it would be nice

to just relax on the beach, you know?

I mean, remember, honey,

this is a Third World country.

It can be really dangerous.

Yeah. Well, I mean, you know.

It's Cabo.

Yeah, exactly.

Come on, shake your body, baby

Do that conga

I know you can't control yourself

any longer

Come on, shake your body, baby

Do that conga

I know you can't control yourself

any longer

Fab Five Freddy told me everybody's fly

The DJ's spinning

I said, my my

Flash is fast, Flash is cool

Franois sez fas, Flash no do

And you don't stop

Sure shot, go out to the parking lot

And I'm ready to take a chance again

Ready to put my love

on the line with you

I'll tell you what I want

What I really, really want

So, tell me what you want

What you really, really want

I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna

I wanna really, really, really

Wanna zigazig ha

Muskrat Suzie, Muskrat Sam

Do the jitterbug out in muskrat land

And they shimmy

Hey, baby? Honey?

Why don't we turn off the radio

for a little bit, and just sort of...

Sort of vibe out on the wind

and chill out a little?

I've got a better idea.

- Why don't we go find a room and f***?

- Okay.

- You like that, Eddie?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, you like that, don't you?

- I do.

Tell me how much you like it.

- I like it.

- Then tell me how much you like it!

I like it a lot!

- Do you like that?

- Whoa, yeah. Yeah, I like that.

How about that?

Ow! No, no, no, no. Oh, no, no. No, no.

No, no, don't like that.

Now I know what to do

when Eddie's a bad boy.

Do you think maybe we can switch up

the position a little bit?

'Cause I'm starting to get cramped here.

- Yeah.

- Okay, good.

You wanna do the Inverted Corkscrew?

Remind me, again, what's that?

It's just like the Swedish Helicopter,

except you spin me.

Okay. You know what?

I don't... I'm not a big helicopter guy.

No, never mind.

Just Jackhammer me, Eddie.

Okay, I... What's a...

Jackhammer me, Eddie!

Jackhammer me!

- What is a...

- Jackhammer me! Jackhammer me!

Hey, hey, I got an idea. You know what?

Guess what. Guess what.

Why don't we just, you know,

do, like, a little missionary position

for a little bit?

What's that?

Missionary position. You know.

It's like, you know,

when I'm on top of you,

just a regular guy on top of a girl?

Yeah?

- Okay.

- Yeah?

Can you Pile Drive me

from that position?

That was so beautiful.

Could you not make those little circles?

Just... My skin's kind of

sensitive right now.

Well, what if I made little squares?

I don't think any shapes...

I don't wanna do any shapes

right now, okay?

Is my Eddie Bear gonna be grouchy

for the next 40 to 50 years?

I'm not being grouchy. Honey.

Where you going?

Pee-pee.

That wasn't what you think it was!

What? I didn't hear anything.

Oh, good.

'Cause I just queefed, big-time.

Okay.

Mr. Cantrow's awfully quiet

this morning.

Nah, I'm always quiet

in the morning, sort of.

I take a little while to get up to steam.

Will you hold my hand while we eat?

I really like that.

Hold your hand? Of course, of course.

Baby. Baby, look.

They're so cute. That's us in 10 years.

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