The Heartbreak Kid: The Egg Toss Page #4

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Ten? I don't know about that.

I mean, it seems like a little...

I hope it's more than 10 years.

You're probably right.

I'm really bad at math.

You're probably right.

I'm really bad at math.

- Eddie, can I ask you something?

- Yeah.

Last night,

you didn't think I was too hairy

down there, did you?

I know a lot of women shave completely,

but I don't like that.

You know, it makes me feel

like a little girl.

But if you want, I could trim it.

And that way you'd be able

to see my kitty ring better.

I don't think so. I mean, I think...

No, that's a good... I could see it.

- Was good visibility on it.

- Okay.

You okay?

- Oh, God.

- You all right?

There's the apple juice out the nose.

It's just this stupid deviated septum that

I have, and it just... Everything just...

You've got a deviated septum?

There was a kid at my camp

who had a deviated septum.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah. He used to snore like a pig.

- Well, I don't snore.

- Good.

But I do have a lot of fluids coming

out of my nose, more than I'd like.

We just have to keep you

away from liquids, huh?

Baby, look at them. They are so cute.

They are adorable.

Chicken in the bread pan

pickin' out dough

"Granny, does your dog bite?"

"No, child, no"

This is amazing!

It's even better than the brochure.

Baby, look at this!

Not too shabby.

Eddie?

Yeah?

I need to say something.

I've never been married before,

and I've been wanting everything

to be so perfect that

I think I've been acting a little off.

- Oh... No!

- Yes.

Really, I have.

I've been trying so hard to act like

I'm all comfortable with everything

that I think I've gone too far

the other way.

Well, maybe a little.

I mean, but you know what?

I'm nervous, too.

I mean, here we are.

We, you know... We're married.

I've never been married before.

We're both new at this.

I'm glad you said something.

Good. Well, what do you say

we just reset?

I like that. Yeah. Let's just... Reset.

Press the TiVo button.

- Look at this!

- Oh, my God!

El Mariachi! I love it.

This is the real Mexico, baby!

Here you go.

Por favor, stay close this week with us.

It's our honeymoon.

Oh, my God.

They have some major happy hour.

Eddie Bear, you go check us in.

I'll get a snack.

Okay.

Do me a favor, play for her. Go.

Yes, serenade her.

Hey look, it's that fruit from the wedding.

Hey. What are you guys doing here?

I don't know.

We're on vacation with our parents.

You look disappointed to see us.

What? Did you think

this was a gays-only resort?

For your information,

the hot blond over there, she's with me.

That's who I'm gonna

be sleeping with tonight, so...

I'll give you this. It's impressive.

- Yeah.

- How does he do it?

Does he tuck his balls under

or does he tape them up real high?

You know what? Why don't you take

your little Human Genome Project

and hit the road?

You homophobic hobbits.

Punks.

Do you think you could tell me

where I could find Uncle Tito?

Yes. May I ask who is inquiring?

Yeah, my name's Eddie Cantrow,

and I'm a friend of a friend of his.

I'm supposed to give him something.

I'm sorry to tell you this,

but he no longer works here.

He's actually in jail

serving six to ten years.

He was caught running cock fights,

and I'm not speaking about

the kind with roosters.

Really?

Screw off! I'm joking, man!

Come on! I am Uncle Tito!

Pleasure to meet you.

You're Uncle Tito! Okay.

You should have seen

the look on your face.

Did you bring the present from Mac?

Yes, I did. Yes.

Here... Yeah, here you go.

It's funny, I... Uncle Tito. I was thinking

of, like, an older, gray-haired...

- Yes.

- I don't know why.

- You like the hair?

- I like it. You got a whole...

Pardon me.

I was wanting to know if we could...

Here is the adult sex tape you ordered,

Seor Cantrow.

I will bill it to your room.

Would you like me

to bring up any more?

No. Thank you.

Perfecto!

You will have a fun night tonight.

Baby, you've gotta try this Mind Eraser.

The guy put in, like,

four shots of Patrn.

You are even more sexier

than Mac described.

Thank you.

I was not talking to you,

I was talking to him.

Screw off! I'm joking, man!

Come on. You are unbelievably hot.

By the way, please put your jewelry

inside the safe.

I cannot tell you how many

honeymooners come down here

and they lose their rings on the beach.

- It's very sad.

- Okay, thanks for the tip.

Also, Mac's a pal, so I want you to know

I totally set you guys up.

I got you the honeymoon suite.

Hey, all right, thank you!

This is amazing!

How beautiful is this?

Man. Look at that view.

Eddie, think fast!

Honey, come on! Babe!

You could take out an eye

with that thing.

Oh, hush, I didn't come close.

Man, look at this place.

Jeez. Wonder how much

the room costs.

Oh, honey, stop worrying about money.

This is our honeymoon.

We're gonna remember this

for the next 40 to 50 years.

You're right.

I'm thinking like a single guy.

I gotta remember

we're a two-income family now.

Really? You have a second job?

No, I mean my salary, your salary.

- My salary?

- Yeah. Oh, what?

You wanna keep our finances

separate now?

Honey, I'm a volunteer.

Oh, yeah?

Well, how much do volunteers make?

A volunteer is a volunteer.

I help raise money for my

environmental group. I told you this.

So they force volunteers

to move to Rotterdam?

Unmarried volunteers?

They don't force them.

But if you wanna get in good with

the company, you gotta play the game.

You told me

you're an environmental researcher.

Yeah, I am.

Unless you don't count wading in

the freezing-cold San Francisco Bay

for three months, measuring PCBs

and getting stung by jellyfish,

which I won't even tell you what

they had to do to take the pain away.

They had to pee on me.

You get stung by a jellyfish, that makes

you an environmental researcher?

You know what, Eddie? I love my job

and I don't have to defend it to you.

Job? No, no, no. I don't think

you're allowed to call it a job.

Job? No, no, no. I don't think

you're allowed to call it a job.

Oh, really?

And what am I supposed to call it?

A hobby?

- A hobby?

- A hobby. You get paid for a job.

- Says who?

- Says the dictionary.

Well, who reads the dictionary?

Not everybody.

Yeah, apparently not! A "job" is a word.

There is a definition for it!

You married me for my money.

What? No, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Don't turn this around.

What's next? You're gonna steal

my purse, like my last boyfriend did?

Your last boyfriend stole your purse?

Duh! You were there!

That was your boyfriend?

That maniac mugger guy?

That was my ex-boyfriend.

The crazy guy on the bike

was your ex-boyfriend?

- Yes.

- And you didn't tell me this. Why?

Why would I?

You and I were complete strangers.

So... And why was he

stealing your purse?

Because he owed me money,

so I took his wallet.

And I'm not about to leave it

in my apartment,

because then he'd break in

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