The Heartbreak Kid: The Egg Toss Page #5

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and steal it back.

So I kept it in my purse,

along with his keys and his cell phone.

And let me tell you something else

about my little "hobby."

One day, our kids are gonna

inhabitate this Earth.

And I'm just trying to make sure

that there's some aqua life

left for when they do!

- That's not a word.

- What's not a word?

"Inhabitate." Not a word.

Oh, really? Why don't you look it up

in your little "dictionary,"

and why don't you look up "shitfuck"

while you're at it?

I will look it up with "shitfuck"!

And guess what?

I won't find "inhabitate" or "shitfuck"!

F***! Sh*t!

Lila?

Lila?

This is stupid.

Excuse me.

A little help?

Sorry, I dropped my camera.

Doesn't look broken.

No, don't throw it. I'll be right down.

Okay.

- Here you go.

- Thanks.

I didn't mean to sneak up on you.

I was...

Oh, yeah. No problem.

Was that you this morning

at Reception?

Yeah.

That wasn't what it looked like.

Just looked like

you were renting a videotape.

No, no, I know, but I wasn't.

I mean, that wasn't... I wasn't.

You don't have to explain to me.

All right? Boys will be boys.

I got a cousin who drives a truck with

a bumper sticker that says "Born Hard."

Right. Okay, but I'm not that guy.

I mean, I'm not...

Miranda!

We're getting ready to play Parcheesi!

Please come upstairs.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

- That's my cousin.

- That's your cousin?

- We're down here for a family reunion.

- Oh, yeah?

Yeah. My aunt and uncle renew

their wedding vows every year.

It's a little hokey, but they're still in love

after 42 years, God bless them.

- So we go along with it.

- That's nice.

Yeah. What about you? What's got you

standing out here mumbling to yourself?

Running low on your medication?

Was I mumbling?

- Yeah.

- Audibly?

Miranda!

We are all ready to play Parcheesi.

I'm coming!

All right, okay.

Hope your camera's okay.

Happy mumbling.

Hey.

I am so sorry.

- No, no, no. Honey, I'm sorry.

- No, I'm sorry.

No, no, no. I'm sorry.

Look, really. Look, first of all,

I love that you love the fishes, okay?

And I think it's great that you wanna

clean up the ocean, okay?

- Really?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm just, you know...

- Eddie.

- I got all worked up.

- But you were right, Eddie.

- No, no.

Yes. They should have been paying me

a long time ago.

Whatever. Whatever.

No, but really, I mean...

How am I ever gonna get out of debt

if I keep letting them do this to me?

- How are you gonna what?

- Get out of debt.

You're in debt? What kind of debt?

You know, the kind where you owe

a lot of money to people.

How much money?

Well, it's not so bad. I mean,

ever since I stopped doing the blow,

it's down to about 26 K.

You had a... You snorted...

You had a cocaine problem?

That's how I got

the deviated septum, remember?

You said you had a deviated septum.

You didn't say that you had a...

You know...

Snorting the cocaine.

Yeah, but that's how you get

a deviated septum.

I didn't... Okay.

That kid at camp, he didn't have

a blow problem, you know. He was...

Well, how do you know?

Because he was eight

and he was my bunkmate.

I mean, you know,

I would have been aware...

Tell me a little bit more

about this, though.

You know, it's a chapter of my life

that I'm not particularly proud of.

Right, right.

But you know what?

If I had to do it all over again,

I wouldn't change a darn thing.

Because it made me who I am today.

And do you know

who I am today, Eddie?

No. Who are you?

I'm Mrs. Edmund Cantrow.

Edward.

"Edward"? You didn't tell me that!

I... Yeah, Edward.

Well, Mr. Cantrow.

Are there any other dark, dirty secrets

that I should know about?

Cock me. Cock me.

Yeah, you like that, don't you?

- You bet.

- Yeah.

Tell me how much you like it.

I still like it a lot.

Yeah. Hit me.

What?

Hit me!

I don't wanna hit you.

Come on, Eddie. I've been a bad girl.

Now hit me!

You've been fine.

I don't wanna hit you, Lila, really.

What's the matter, Eddie,

you a little girl?

- You a little girl?

- No.

- What, love? You got a little p*ssy?

- What? No!

- A p*ssy! Do you have a p*ssy?

- No, I don't have a p*ssy!

Well, what are you, a f*ggot, Eddie?

- Are you a f*ggot?

- I'm not a f*ggot!

Well, then, slap me! Slap me like this!

That's right!

What's the matter? I thought little girls

liked getting their nipples pinched.

Don't you...

Yeah! Oh, I love it! Like it rough!

Yes! Yes, Eddie, yes! Cock me!

Cock me! Cock me, Eddie!

I think I am cocking you!

F*** me like a black guy, Eddie!

Come on!

No! You're not doing it!

Here, put some of this on my back.

- This is mineral oil.

- Yeah.

No, you need sunblock down here.

No, you gotta use oil

if you wanna get savage.

Babe, I'm telling you,

the sun's really strong down here.

You need like a 30 or a 35. I got some.

Are you becoming a control freak?

I mean, first the thing about having

to tip the maid every day, and now this?

Forget about it, Eddie. I'll just do it

myself if it's such a problem.

I'm just saying

the sun's really different down here.

I'm just saying

the sun's really different down here.

The sun is the sun, Eddie.

Honey!

Oh, Grouchy Marx, calm down.

Hey, look. He really is with that babe.

Man, she is banging.

That means he was telling the truth

about his wife getting ice-picked.

That's messed up.

Eddie, make them go away.

Thank you, no.

- Not now.

- Thank you. We're okay.

- We don't want any. Thank you, though.

- Give them money. Give them money.

Okay. Here you go. Here you go.

Thank you, but we're fine.

We're just gonna take a little snoozelito.

We snooze, huh?

No, no, no, no. No.

You stop. Stop. No?

It's not my fault.

It's the stupid Mexican ozone!

No. The Mexican ozone

isn't stupid, Lila.

You just needed to wear

some sunscreen.

I was trying to get a tan.

No, you were trying to get "savage."

Whose side are you on, Eddie?

- What? What sides are there?

- Mine or the ozone's? Choose one!

I'm on your side, all right?

Just calm down.

Now look, I'm gonna put a little

of this aloe on your back, okay?

Should make you feel better.

You f***ing c*nt!

Or not.

Hello?

Hey, Pop, it's me.

Listen, is this a good time?

I'm in Vegas. Flew out for the weekend.

Here, I want you to say hi to somebody.

Hi, Eddie, this is Patty!

Yeah, I met your father playing keno.

What a hot ticket.

Hey, I heard you got married.

Congratulations.

Your father says she's amazing.

Not really. Can I talk to my dad?

All right.

What's up? You okay, kid?

No, I'm not okay.

Dad, I got big, big problems here.

I think Lila might be...

I think she might be a little off.

Kitty ring? So, let me get this straight.

You think your wife's a nutcase

because on your honeymoon,

in a tropical paradise,

she's singing a lot,

wanting to have sex around the clock,

and, accidentally,

she got a little too much sun?

Well, yeah, but it's a lot worse

than it sounds.

Now listen to me,

and listen to me good!

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