The Heartbreak Kid: The Egg Toss Page #6

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When your wife on her honeymoon

asks you to cock her,

you cock her good, God damn it!

- Seor Eddie, are you finished?

- Yeah. Thanks, Tito.

Where is your lovely wife this evening?

She got a little too much sun,

so she decided to crash out early.

Are you sure it was the sun

that made her tired, and not you?

You.

- Tito!

- Yes, seorita.

All right, I want another round,

but make it Flytails this time.

No problem.

Hey.

Hey! What are you doing

down here at the bar?

VCR break down?

I was starting to chafe. So...

Well, that's the way it goes.

- You're Miranda, right?

- I am.

I'm Eddie.

- Nice to meet you, officially.

- Nice to meet you, too.

What's a Flytail?

I've got no idea,

but it's got tequila and a cool name,

so I thought I'd give it a whirl.

I like your thinking.

You know who figured out

how to do it right?

The people who live in the spots

where the rest of us vacation.

Oh, yeah. You mean

like those perma-vacationers.

- Yeah.

- Though, I don't know.

You think they're really having

that good a time?

- Oh, hell yeah.

- Really?

- Oh, of course.

- Really? I don't know.

I mean, I always feel like those people,

like, must be running from something.

They're running from their boring lives.

You know, most people get two or three

weeks of vacation to have fun.

These people, man,

they party all year round.

Yeah. Where are you from?

- Oxford, Mississippi.

- Really?

You don't have an accent.

- Excuse me?

- Yeah?

Are you here on your honeymoon?

Actually, I am.

Are you having a good time?

We're having an incredible time.

We're having the time of our lives.

What the hell are you doing down here?

Why don't you go to your room?

She's...

Here are your Flytails.

Thank you!

Sweetheart, will you help me

with the drinks?

Yeah, sure, Dream Weaver.

No problem. Just gonna help her.

Take it easy.

Hey, next time you tell people

we're married,

I'd appreciate

if you at least acted happy.

Yeah, well, actually...

Miranda! Where have you been?

Relax, everybody, I got more booze.

- This is my friend, Eddie.

- Hi.

Hey, how'd you manage

to make a friend down here, Miranda?

I put an ad in the paper.

Eddie, this is my family, starting with

my aunt and uncle, Beryl and Boo.

Beryl and Boo.

It's your anniversary, right?

- That's right.

- Congratulations.

Thank you.

I think that's a beautiful name, Boo.

Is that short for something?

I'm Boo.

Sorry.

- Yeah, it's short for Buford.

- Buford?

Okay.

But why don't they call you "Byoo"?

Byoo! Why didn't we ever think of that?

It's been sitting there for 30 years

and we never even noticed it.

And then you walk up, and boom!

You are a hair-trigger is what you are.

That is too funny.

These are my cousins, Buzz and Martin.

- Hello, Mr. Funny, I'm Buzz.

- Pleasure to meet you.

And their lovely wives,

Deborah and Gayla.

I remember you, Eddie.

You're the film buff, right?

And the lovely man in the back is

my Grandpa Anderson.

Hi there.

Well, nice to meet all of you guys.

I'm gonna get running,

but have a great night.

- Excuse me, seor.

- Yeah?

You have a round of shots

from your new friends.

Oh! Well!

Thank you.

Nope. Deborah and myself will not

be having any, thank you.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna pass also.

I just... Yeah. I think I'm gonna...

Yeah, I don't think you're gonna

get off that easy, sweetheart.

Thank you!

Well, might as well give them

their money's worth. Thank you.

Hey, here's to Beryl and Byoo.

He did it again!

You are too much.

All right, everybody. Are you ready?

Bottoms up!

This is awful! That's, like, awful!

It's like somebody

gets inside your chest

and just like, a guy with, like, a bongo.

And we gotta pay for it!

That's the punchline. Oh, man.

So, Martin, you're

a high school baseball coach.

- Yeah.

- That is so cool.

Boo actually coached the team

before Martin did.

Never missed a game in 28 years.

Well, there were a few games

I wish I had missed.

And Miranda coaches

the women's lacrosse team at Ole Miss.

That's right.

- I do.

- You're a lacrosse coach?

- I am.

- That is... Wow. That's...

- So you're a whole family of coaches.

- Yes, we are.

You know, there was a big article about

them in the Oxford Eagle.

You could still probably find that online.

That's amazing.

And what about you, Buzz?

I'm not a coach.

I have a couple Subway sandwich shops

in the Oxford area.

And we're about to open up

a third on Route 122.

We find if you keep the tuna fresh,

they'll keep coming back.

At Subway. Oh, I love Subway.

We're also gonna open

a Ruby Tuesday's.

We're gonna take it to the next level.

But that's this, okay?

That's right. Don't let it leave this circle.

That's exciting. That's great.

We wanna keep it all,

you know, class organizations,

good food, served in a hurry.

And with metal silverware this time.

- That's cool.

- How about you, Eddie?

You a sports fan?

I am. Actually, I own a sporting goods

store up in San Francisco.

Yeah. I love sports.

In fact, I even lost my virginity

on a baseball diamond.

- You're too much. Really?

- Yeah, yeah.

Couple of the older kids

pushed me down, and...

It was not pretty.

Did you file charges?

No.

- He was making a joke, Gayla.

- Yeah, I was just...

About anal rape?

You are a pistol.

My point is,

why do we always assume

that the aliens from the spaceships

are people?

Why couldn't they be cows

from that planet?

Right!

Do you understand what I'm saying?

So even if the cows are so evolved

to the point where they're smart enough

to build flying saucers,

the people on the planet

are probably so far past that

that they still look down at the cows.

Perhaps.

They're saying, "Look at the dumb cows

and their stupid UFOs."

Or "FO" to them,

because they know what it is.

- Yes, exactly.

- Hey. So... Here, okay.

Can I just say, about your family,

apropos of nothing?

I love them. They're awesome.

- Thank you.

- Yeah.

With one exception.

I get a weird vibe from... Marvin?

- Martin.

- Martin.

Yes, I feel like Martin is

maybe just a little bit of a big,

wet, flapping douchebag?

- Dude! That's my cousin!

- Just saying. JS.

- He's cool.

- Come on.

He's... Martin's just got a burr

up his butt lately, 'cause he's...

'Cause there's this guy back home, Cal.

It's his best friend.

And up until about a month ago,

we were serious, so...

I guess it comes to a point where it's

gonna happen or it's not gonna happen.

Right, right.

And he or you did not want it

to happen, or...

He's like one of those guys who likes

his routine a lot, you know, so...

- So he didn't want...

- He didn't want to mess with that.

What... So, you mean, like... Marriage?

Like he didn't want to marry you?

- Can you believe that?

- No.

No, right?

What is his deal?

What the hell is wrong with Cal?

So, anyway, I told him that I thought

we should take a breather.

And now I'm realizing, with all the time

that we're spending apart,

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