The Heartbreak Kid: The Egg Toss Page #7

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how different we really are.

So, what about you, kind sir?

Do you have a girlfriend back home?

Miranda!

- Where the hell have you been?

- I've been here...

I've been stomping around

for 45 minutes looking for you.

Everybody up there in the suite

is passed-out drunk.

So?

So, nobody's looking after Peepaw.

I just caught him urinating

in the hallway.

Oh, sh*t!

You think that's funny, mister?

How about I have you go up there

and clean it up?

- Martin.

- Martin, relax.

Sorry.

We're gonna go deep-sea fishing

tomorrow. Do you wanna join us?

Now, hold up, all right? We can't just be

inviting anybody to come along.

Gotta talk to the captain.

There's weight capacity issues.

Point is moot.

I can't go anyway, so we're cool.

Good night.

Good night.

I'll see you. Okay.

I smell something weird out here.

Smells like somebody's

been hitting the devil's lettuce.

Where have you been?

Hi! Hey!

Honey, I was downstairs.

Downstairs.

You left here seven hours ago, Eddie.

You said you were just going

to have dinner.

I did! I did. I was right down at the bar.

I had the chimichangas

and the chalupa sampler on the side.

Chimichangas don't take that long.

No, no, they were quick. The chalupas

were a little slow coming out.

But, honey, what happened was

I met this great older couple

who found out it was our honeymoon,

and so they offered to buy me a shot

and this other group a shot, and then

we all ended up having shots, and...

What other group?

This other group. Just these rednecks

who were down at the bar.

But cool rednecks, you know,

like Jimmy Carter types.

Eddie, that still doesn't explain

why you're coming in at 4:00 a.m.

when the bar closed at 2:00.

Honey, you said you wanted to sleep,

so I wanted to allow you to rest,

so I ended up just sitting on the beach

watching the waves all night.

You were on the beach all this time?

Yeah.

- Really?

- Yes. Honey.

- Eddie Bear.

- Honey.

I don't want you to be... Careful!

Okay.

I'm sorry, honey. I didn't mean

to take it out on you. I just...

I've been so miserable.

You know, I have this sunburn.

I have a pill stuck up my nose.

I can't sleep.

Wait, what?

You got a pill stuck up your nose?

Yeah. I tried to take a Tylenol

for the pain, you know,

and these Mexican pills are so big

that I started choking,

and then it got stuck

in my stupid deviated septum.

Wow. Did you try to get it out?

These crappy tweezers don't work.

It's just stuck.

Honey. I'm gonna take care

of this, all right?

- Okay.

- I'm gonna get rid of your little...

Your little unwanted visitor up there.

Here, go this way.

- Okay.

- Good. Now tilt back.

Hey, this is like that game Operation.

Oh, yeah.

- You touched my nose!

- Yes, I did.

- Okay, you gotta hold still, though.

- Okay, okay.

Wow, that's big.

My face feels so swollen.

I should take the cream off, I think.

All right.

That feels so much better.

How do I look?

What, is it bad?

No. It's not that...

Oh, my God!

- Honey.

- It's awful!

Honey! It's not that bad! Babe!

Lila, come on!

Lila, they have our credit card.

We're liable for the damages.

Go away! This is all your fault!

How is it my fault?

You threw such a hissy fit

about your stupid sunblock

that I wanted to prove you wrong!

You won, okay? Are you happy now?

- Lila, that's crazy talk.

- I'm ugly!

Honey, it's just a sunburn!

Lila?

Lila, come on.

This is ridiculous.

How long are you gonna stay in there?

None of your business.

Now leave me alone, Edward.

Babe, come on, I gotta pee.

- So?

- Let me in.

Go pee somewhere else.

Why don't you go explore Mexico

or something?

Honey, I don't want to explore Mexico

without you. Come on.

Well, I wanna be alone.

Well, you gotta eat.

Wanna have some breakfast?

Slide the menu under the door.

- Hey, you!

- Hey!

Hey.

I thought you guys were going

on that fishing expedition.

We slept in.

Yeah, I'm out a $150 deposit,

thanks to you, Mr. Party Boy.

Well, I guess that's how y'all do it

in California, huh?

You just rock on with no consideration

for other people's plans, right?

All right, Martin,

stop being such a tightwad.

We all gonna chip in for the boat.

I'm not gonna chip in

for no goddamn boat.

- You gotta hear this one. You tell him.

- No, you. All right.

Earlier today we were walking on

the beach, having our morning coffee,

and we got to talking about last night.

Anyhow, Buzz was just saying how

much fun it was getting to know you.

- It's really been a pleasure.

- Oh, yeah. Me, too.

By the way, for his birthday this year,

we're gonna get Boo

a license plate that says "Byoo"!

Can you imagine that?

Christmas morning,

he's gonna open it up,

it's gonna say "Byoo"!

- No numbers. "Byoo"!

- "Byoo"!

That's great. He'll love that.

He'll love that.

But that's a big secret.

Mum's the word, okay?

Who am I gonna tell?

- Good to see you.

- Take it easy.

Eddie, what do you have there?

It looks like you're eating for two.

Oh, no, no. Yeah. No, no. I just...

I just wanted to load up on some carbs

this morning, so...

And eggs, too. Eggs and carbs,

and, you know, full-on...

Hey, here's something to do.

There's a double-decker bus running

tours out to a town called Miraflores.

It's the basil capital of Mexico.

Let me see that.

- Did you say "bagel capital"?

- No.

I've always wondered how they cultivate

and harvest basil. That'd be great.

- Me, too. Education. No, it's a herb.

- It's a herb. Italian herb.

She puts it on a lot of

the food she cooks.

Everything.

- Oh, everything. I love it. Pesto.

- It's delicious.

- Is it spicy?

- No, it's not spicy.

You can order a whole box of it.

Uncle Tito will take care

of everything. Okay.

Hey. Listen, Tito, I need you

to do me a big, big favor.

You don't even know what it is yet.

It is something nasty,

or you would be doing it yourself.

All right, fine.

Honey? Is that you?

Good. I'll open the door,

and you slide it in.

Thank you.

Thanks. Okay. A little bit of salsa.

Are you okay?

But he keeps nipping at me.

Lime!

Oh, my God.

Good.

Hello?

Hey, Mac! Listen, man,

I owe you, buddy. This place is like...

This is like my favorite place ever!

I told you you'd love it.

And the people, the people down here!

Oh, my God, I know. Aren't they great?

I'm seriously thinking

I should sell the store

and open up a place down here.

I mean, wouldn't that be incredible?

So, how's Lila?

- Oh, I'm sorry, your name's Joachim?

- Who?

Your wife. Lila.

She's not so good.

She got a little sunburned, so...

I've been hanging out

with this other girl.

Yeah.

Wait. What, are you serious?

Divorce lawyer?

What the hell are you talking about?

Do you get a buzz off it?

I'm telling you, the second we

got married it's like a switch flipped.

She's a nightmare, Mac.

Yeah, well, b*tches be crazy, man.

You know that.

Tammy's always flipping switches.

What are you talking about?

You're always talking about

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