The Heartbreak Kid: The Egg Toss Page #8

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how happy you are with her.

Look, you wanna know the secret

to a happy marriage? Do what I do.

Plaster on a fake smile,

plow through the next half-century,

sit back, relax and wait

for the sweet embrace of death.

- Hey. Wow!

- What about my hips?

- And my butt?

- Great. I love it. Looks great.

Where is it?

- Come on back!

- Yes! I'm coming, Alfons!

So, this other girl. It doesn't bother her

that you're a newlywed?

No. I mean, I haven't exactly made it

clear to her yet, but I'm going to.

I just have to find

the right moment, you know?

Eddie. Eddie!

Hold on a second.

Eddie! Come on, there are sea lions

in the ocean!

Really? Okay, hang on!

She found sea lions now, come on!

Isn't that amazing? I gotta go!

Don't! Eddie, Eddie! Come home!

Come home! Come home, Eddie!

Wow.

Ashes to ashes, funk to funky

We know Major Tom's a junkie

Strung out in heaven's high

Hitting an all-time low

Wow, what a great day.

I had so much fun.

Here are your Mexican sombreros.

Look, the gang's back.

Basil sniffers.

Okay, let's hurry up.

We're supposed to meet everybody

on the veranda in 15 minutes, right?

Right, right. Okay, good.

Hey, Dad.

There's the guy from San Francisco

whose wife was murdered.

- Where?

- The guy right there.

Yeah, some crazy guy

hacked her up with an ice pick.

They caught the dude, though.

Some guy named Ronald.

Hey, baby!

Eddie Bear's home!

And boy, do I got a story for you.

Well, I hope so,

seeing that you've been gone all day.

Honey. Guess what happened?

I go downstairs to get your breakfast.

Who do I run into out of the clear blue?

- Who?

- Yvon Chouinard!

Who?

Yvon Chouinard,

big cheese at Patagonia.

- And?

- And?

Come on, honey,

Patagonia's like my biggest supplier.

I carry their entire line. You know that.

So, Yvon and his buddies

are going out golfing. Water?

- No.

- They ask me if I want to go.

So, what am I gonna do?

Say no? No. Right?

But you didn't bring your clubs.

I demoed a set! TaylorMade!

Sweet, too!

Added like 30 extra yards to my drives!

- Who were the buddies?

- Just a couple of guys.

This guy Lenny from Akron, insurance

guy. Kind of a stiff, but good golfer.

And the local Patagonia rep.

What was his name?

His name was Six-toe.

- Six-toe?

- Yeah, Six-toe.

Amputee.

Lost four toes scaling up Everest.

Did it without oxygen.

One of those guys.

By the way, amazingly, he showed me.

Retained the outer toes,

lost the middle stuff

but kept the balance points,

which are all you need.

In fact, he says

it gives him a better swing

because he swings

right through the ball,

less resistance. Fascinating guy.

Eddie, since when has golf

taken seven hours?

Yeah, well, we got behind

a Korean couple, so...

But I'll tell you, it actually worked

to my advantage,

because we got to talk shop,

and if things pan out

the way I think they might,

we could be talking about some

really sweet credit terms for the store.

Why didn't you call me?

I've been worried sick about you.

Honey, I did!

You get a mile outside of this place, it's

like trying to get reception on the moon!

What are you doing?

Are you going somewhere?

Lila, I just told you, I'm taking them

out to dinner in five minutes.

When did you say that?

Okay. First of all, these people...

Let me explain something to you.

These people, okay, they're primed.

This opportunity... Do you understand?

This is the head of an incredibly

important outerwear company.

International, okay?

They have taken the bait, and now

I just gotta gaff 'em, get 'em in the boat

and club 'em to death. Kill time, honey.

Kill time. I can't let the air out.

Then all the momentum I built up all day

just evaporates.

By the way, shouldn't take too long,

because they started dropping back

the shots about two hours ago.

So... Very interested

in anything anybody has to say.

So, you know, it's gonna be good.

All right. Well, hang on a sec.

Let me put on some makeup.

You're coming?

Of course I'm coming.

Yes! Good! Sweet!

I'll just call down and tell them

to make room for one more on the skiff.

On the skiff?

We're going out on this little 12-foot

Zodiac, inflatable job, twilight cruise.

No, Eddie, I can't go on a boat.

Oh, crap. That's right.

You sure?

Because really, honey, we're only going

a couple miles out past the breakwater.

Right to where the continental shelf

drops off? It's supposed to be amazing.

The guy said it's where they filmed

that movie, The Perfect Storm?

Honey, I'm sorry, I feel really bad,

but there's no way I'd last out there.

You know what? Screw it. Screw it!

What am I doing?

I'm on my honeymoon!

Thank you for getting my head straight.

- I'm gonna call and cancel. Right now.

- What about the credit terms?

All right. You know what? Fine. You win.

We do it your way.

I'll go, finish the deal quickly, come

back, take you out for a late dinner.

That sound good? All right?

- Okay.

- Good.

Also, there's some important stuff

I wanna talk to you about.

Oh, yeah? Like, good stuff or bad stuff?

Like, well, you know,

at first you might flinch,

but then, I think, in the long run,

great stuff.

- Okay.

- Okay, good.

- Oh, honey?

- Yeah?

I'm sorry I swatted you away

this morning.

I didn't mean to hit you so hard.

Swatted me away?

You know, when you were

sitting outside the bathroom door

after you dropped off the food,

and you put my hand on your schlong?

You just surprised me, you know?

And I wasn't feeling so well.

But I promise

I'll make it up to you tonight.

Super.

- Hey there, Tito.

- Hey, Seor Eddie.

How's it going, man?

- I'm okay.

- Yeah? Sure?

'Cause you look like you got

a little hitch in your giddyup.

Oh, that. No, it is a long story.

I will not bore you with it.

No, no, no. You bore me. Bore me.

Please. I got all the time in the world.

I'd love to hear. What happened?

Okay. After I dropped the food off

at your room this morning,

I placed my penis in your wife's hand

and she smacked it away.

She nailed me pretty good, too.

Are you for real?

What are you doing? You don't just...

You crossed a serious line there.

That's not acceptable.

You don't do that. Come on.

Screw off! You're joking, right?

You had me.

- No.

- That's good!

No, I'm not joking. That's outrageous!

That's not acceptable behavior.

You don't just go and take your penis

and put it in my wife's hand.

Well, when you put it that way...

Wow, I'm sorry. I feel really bad, okay?

What were you thinking?

It's just that, well...

You come down here and you try

to bribe me with your porno tapes,

and then I see you running around

with other women on your honeymoon,

and I just figured that,

"Anything goes with this guy, hey?"

All right, fine.

I am sorry

for the misunderstanding, seor!

- Hey!

- Hey!

Wow. You look beautiful.

Thanks.

- So, you gonna walk me over?

- Yeah. Yeah. Hey, listen.

I gotta tell you something.

And it's something I should have said

before, but I didn't, and...

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