The Heartbreak Kid: The Egg Toss Page #9

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I know about your wife.

You do?

How?

Beryl and everybody overheard some

people talking about it on the bus.

They were talking about it on the bus?

So it's true, then?

Yeah, but it's really important

for you to know that it is over.

And I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier.

It's just...

You know,

at first it didn't even occur to me

because, you know,

when I first met you...

And then... I don't know, I didn't realize

I was gonna like you so much.

And I didn't wanna freak you out, so...

You wouldn't have freaked me out.

Really? So you're not mad?

No.

I'm sad.

That must have been horrible.

It was. It is. I mean, it sucks.

You're like the coolest person

on the planet.

Really.

No, I mean,

I wasn't expecting this reaction.

- So your whole family knows?

- Yeah.

I can't imagine they're taking it

as well as you are.

Of course they are.

- They just wanna support you.

- Even Martin?

Boo instructed everybody

not to even bring it up.

Dynamite!

The burros.

You go to the top of a mountain and

they leave you there with a pack of...

No, all the way up

to the top of the mountain,

and you can camp out there overnight.

- By starlight, you make a fire...

- We should do that.

- Totally. Totally in.

- I'm serious.

- Anytime.

- We could do it the day after tomorrow.

That would be... Okay, I have some

things that I have to move around.

It will be a bit of a headache,

but I can make it happen.

Buzz.

Am I the only one who's still

a little bothered by this guy?

I believe you are.

All right.

Well, let me ask you this, okay?

This dude's supposed to be

down here in mourning.

What's he doing

canoodling with Miranda?

- And the goat was dead?

- No, no.

- Really?

- The goat got back up.

Everybody mourns in their own way.

Why don't you cut him some slack?

He likes her and she likes him.

And I don't think

they're breaking any rules, all right?

I don't trust him.

Hey.

- Hi.

- Hi.

How you doing?

Honey, I'm sorry

for ruining our honeymoon.

I'm such a sucky wife.

No, honey, you're not.

You're great.

You're an amazing, beautiful person.

However, I do think we should talk.

Hold on. I have something for you.

I love that. Thank you.

So anyway, I've been thinking...

Honey, turn it over.

Did you make this?

Before we left.

You made this?

- You sewed this yourself?

- Yeah.

And the hearts?

Your heart and my heart,

together

forever.

So, honey, what did you

wanna talk to me about?

I want to talk to you

about nothing right now.

I want you to get some rest

and we'll talk in the morning, okay?

Give me a kiss.

Okay.

Eddie Bear, I love you.

I love, love, love, love, love...

Love, love, love.

- Okay.

- Okay.

So, what's this important stuff

you wanted to talk to me about?

Yeah, okay.

Oh, my God!

This guac is f***ing awesome!

Is it? That's good. Good.

Your hand, Eddie.

Look, I'm just gonna

lay this out there, all right?

I have not been a good husband.

I've been bad.

I am so glad to hear you say that, Eddie.

I mean, I thought I was losing my mind.

It's like the moment we got married,

a switch went off

and you became this loony bird.

Yes! Yes, you're right!

I did turn into... I've been a loony bird,

and it's not you, it's me.

This conversation

is all about my deficiencies,

because as a wife you've been spot-on.

You've been incredible.

You've been doing everything

a wife should do,

and any man would be happy

to have a wife like you,

and kudos to you for putting up with me

and all of my junk.

Thank you.

But the point is, honey, you shouldn't

have to put up with your husband.

You deserve so much better.

You understand what I'm saying?

Yeah, you're apologizing.

That's very sweet.

No. No, I'm not... I'm not...

Oh, God, that frigging stuff is hot.

Honey, look...

In life, sometimes...

Sometimes we make choices,

and in retrospect, we realize

the choice wasn't the right choice.

Not a bad choice, not a good choice,

just not the correct choice

for the people who are involved.

What are you getting at, Eddie?

Lila,

we're not gonna be happy together

in San Francisco.

Rotterdam! That's where you gotta be.

It hit me!

That's where your destiny is.

Cleaning up the bogs,

and getting the environment

right over there.

That's what you should be doing,

not hanging out in San Francisco

with me, some sporting-goods schmo...

Oh, my God!

Are you saying

what I think you're saying?

I'm saying...

Lila?

This is gonna be a good thing, Lila.

Lila, it's better. It's for the...

Lila, you got a little piece of tri-tip

coming out here.

This is so for the best. Do you hear me?

Can I call my mom?

Yes, of course!

You wanna call her, go ahead, call her.

- Hello?

- Mom, it's me.

No, no, I'm okay. It's just...

Something's happened.

Something huge.

Eddie's moving to Rotterdam with me.

No, no, wait! No, Lila, no.

He doesn't wanna be

a sporting-goods schmo anymore!

Hold on, he wants to tell you himself.

I didn't want... Hello?

Hey, Eddie! You having fun?

Yeah, yeah, we're having a ball.

And I hear you're moving to Germany?

No, no.

See, Lila got a little bit

ahead of herself on that one,

and I haven't actually gotten through

the entire plan with her, but she...

You know what? I gotta go.

I gotta say goodbye, okay?

- Okay. Yes.

- Love you! Bye!

- Hey!

- Isn't he the greatest?

What's that?

I know. I know.

- How you guys doing?

- Not too good, actually.

Beryl and Boo are set

to renew their vows on the terrace

and we can't find Miranda anywhere.

Have you seen her?

Hang on. Honey, who's Miranda?

Miranda, honey, is their cousin.

Their cousin.

You know what? Excuse me

for one second. Come here.

Sorry, Mom. Yeah, no. I don't know.

Just some guys.

Guys! Guys! What are you doing?

You're killing me here.

What is this? What's going on?

Look, Martin, I know you're upset

about this whole thing

with Cal, Miranda and me.

But there'll be a time and a place

we can talk about it, but not now.

I'm about to tell her.

Who is that?

It's my wife!

Wife?

Guys, what are you, like, snorting

peyote? Come on, it's me. It's Eddie.

- But your wife was murdered.

- What?

Those twins.

They said that your wife was murdered

by a maniac with an ice pick.

No, no, no, no, no.

Look, you guys, all you have to know

is that from the second

I fell in love with Miranda,

I have not once cheated on her

with my wife, okay?

And I'm not saying that

to toot my own horn, it's just...

- I really haven't...

- You sick little prick!

- Martin! Martin!

- Come here.

- No, stop!

- Here, take this.

Hey, what are you doing?

Get off me!

You gotta get yourself

right with God, buddy!

- He is not worth it!

- Get off me! Get off!

What is going on?

Eddie, who was that?

I have absolutely no idea.

How's your... How's your...

What do you mean, you have no idea?

They called you Eddie.

You knew their cousin!

No, I know. I mean, I know who

they were, they're the Patagonia guys.

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