The Heartbreak Kid: The Egg Toss Page #10

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I just didn't understand

why they were so...

You know, they get so...

Acting like that.

Eddie, are you okay?

No! I'm not okay!

Look, Lila, we're not okay. It's over!

No!

Could you please go away?

- What?

- We're over!

- What do you mean?

- Stop!

- What's over?

- Hang on a sec.

Here! Here you go. Fifty.

Fifty Americano. Please stop, okay?

Can you... No! No, stop!

Will you shut up?

We're trying to have lunch here!

Would you stop? I'm paying

a lot of money to stay at this hotel!

I'm on my honeymoon.

We just want to have a nice quiet lunch!

Eddie, Eddie. It's okay.

They're not bothering me.

No! It's not okay!

We're newlyweds! We just wanna have

a quiet time together!

How can we have any good memories

if you guys keep...

Eddie, Eddie.

It's okay, I am having good...

Eddie, please sit down!

Wow, I was starting to wonder

where all that passion had gone.

Lila, I'm sorry,

but you and I are finished.

What are you talking about, Eddie?

What about our Rotterdam plans?

I'm sorry. I'll be right back.

I'm sorry. I'll be right back.

Eddie!

You're acting like a loony bird again!

- Hey.

- Hey.

Oh, my God!

What happened to your nose?

- Martin stuck a pepper up it.

- What?

Look, there's been

a massive misunderstanding.

I don't mean to be rude, Eddie,

but can this wait?

No!

I'm gonna be late

for Beryl and Boo's ceremony.

Look, my wife was never murdered.

- What?

- Yeah, my wife, she never died.

In fact, I never actually said that,

it was just those stupid twins, they...

What are you saying?

You're not a widower?

- No...

- No, he's married!

Martin just told me.

He's been staying here with his wife

all week!

What is she talking about?

It's true, I'm...

But it's over, Miranda. I mean, it's...

Get away from me.

Miranda, it's okay.

Will you listen to me, please?

Get away from me. Leave me alone!

Miranda!

Hang on!

Eddie!

Sh*t!

- Eddie!

- I was trying to tell you before.

- Leave me alone! Get away from me!

- Miranda!

Eddie! What the hell is going on?

Lila, I was trying to tell you before,

and I...

Did I cut my back on the rocks?

Oh, my God!

Man-o'-war!

Get it off! Get it off!

Come on, do something.

I'm not doing anything.

This is what he gets.

- It's okay! I know what to do.

- What are you doing?

Get off of me! No! No!

Oh, my gosh!

I know what I'm doing!

- No!

- Eddie!

- Burning! Burning!

- It's okay!

It's okay. It's okay.

I know, honey. Isn't that nice?

Sick!

Oh, no! It's okay, I'm his wife.

- We're on our honeymoon!

- Honeymoon?

Miranda, it's not what it seems.

No. Wait, Miranda!

Miranda!

I think it was

a confluence of events, you know?

With my dad busting my balls

about my dating life,

then going to Jodi's wedding.

Why did I even go to Jodi's wedding,

you know? Just to torture myself?

Mac's all up in my grill about being

married. It's just...

I don't know, I jumped,

you know, I jumped.

I felt the heat and I jumped, and it was

like two days, three days early.

And I'll tell you something.

I should've just gone with my dad to

Vegas and double-teamed those girls.

That would've been

the decent thing to do.

Seor Eddie!

Hey, there he is! Seor Tito!

My Tito-Bandito!

Eddie, what are you doing?

I'm just hanging with my brother,

my brother Manuel.

Eddie, people are looking for you.

Your father keeps calling, and then Mac

is trying to track you down.

And what am I supposed to tell

the American girl, the... Miranda?

- What do I tell her?

- Miranda?

- Miranda?

- Yes!

- What?

- Her family flew home, but she didn't.

And she has been everywhere

searching for you.

She has?

Screw off! I'm joking, man!

That chick ran for the hills, huh?

You should've seen your face!

You were so happy!

For a moment, you were like...

I can't believe I got you again!

The funny man!

That's cool man, that's cool.

Don't worry about me.

Seriously, are you here for a reason?

Huh? What's the deal?

What, you want me to... You want

to tell me to, like, go back and get Lila?

Or go back to the States?

It's not gonna happen!

Look at you. Listen to you.

You are sounding loco!

- Oh, I'm loco?

- Yes.

No, you're loco!

Lila burned my wallet, she burned

my clothes, she burned my passport.

Okay? Even if I wanted

to go back, I couldn't!

I can't get papers

for like a month or something.

But you know what? I don't need papers

to hang with this guy,

'cause he doesn't want papers.

He just wants friendship, don't you?

And we're gonna stay here,

we're gonna keep talking it out

and talking it out,

until it feels right up in my head.

Right, Manny?

Even if it takes forever. Am I right?

Listen, you little gringo p*ssy,

you've been ear-f***ing me for

two straight weeks about all this sh*t!

You wanna fix what you did?

Stop talking about it, just do it!

Get off your ass and do it!

Manuel is right, Seor Eddie.

You are going to have to go back and

fix this yourself, okay? Now, come on.

- Get up!

- Can't.

You can do it, come on! Listen.

I have connections. You know, people

that can sneak you back into California.

You're not joking?

No, I promise. I'm not kidding this time.

- Okay, good. Good, good.

- Yes!

But I don't wanna go to California.

I wanna go to Mississippi.

It's cool! It's cool, guys!

I'm an American. I just lost my passport.

America!

Stop right there!

I'm an American!

- Come on, grab his hand!

- You can do it!

Come on, buddy!

Come on! Grab it!

I'm going on the record here, Eddie.

I think this is a bad, bad idea.

Look, Pop, I appreciate your coming

down here and helping me out.

This is just something

that I have to do, okay?

I still don't understand

what happened with you and Lila.

She was such a sweet kid.

Dad, I love Miranda, okay?

I've never been more sure

of anything in my life.

All right, Eddie. Just be careful, okay?

Remember, this is the Bible Belt.

These people have guns.

This is it, right here! Stop! Stop!

Don't you think we should clean you up

or give you a shave or something?

No. Look. I've been working on

this speech for over a month.

I just want to go in and do it.

Knock 'em dead!

Seven pitches in a row over 90 miles

an hour? That boy hums that ball!

Byoo! Look what the cat dragged in!

I know, don't ask. Is Miranda around?

- You must be out of your mind.

- Well, no, I'm not.

Oh, my God! Why am I not surprised

that this moron's standing out here?

It's all right.

Look, I don't want any trouble, Martin.

Oh, you don't want any trouble?

You're about to get some trouble, boy!

You better get off my stoop!

You piece of sh*t!

That is a refreshingly honest response.

And let me just drop some of that

back on you,

and tell you I made

a huge mistake, okay? Guilty. Boom.

I stepped in it, big-time.

And I admit it, okay?

I jumped into a marriage

way too quickly.

I only knew my wife for a couple months

before we got married, okay?

So that's the back story.

And how long did you know Miranda

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