The Heartbreak Kid: The Egg Toss Page #11

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before you decided she was the one?

Two days, and I hear that.

Let me just say to you,

"That's my point."

I'm not gonna make

the same mistake again, okay?

You can rest assured,

I have got my act together.

And once my annulment is finalized,

I really believe that Miranda

and I should just go slow.

I mean, you know, date for a while.

Move in together for like a year, at least.

See what it feels like,

then go from there, okay? No promises.

- Really?

- I wanna do everything right this time.

There ain't gonna be a "this time,"

Eddie. The popcorn has popped.

Miranda and Cal got married

two weeks ago Saturday.

What?

What're you talking about?

She has finally come to her senses.

I don't believe you.

- Oh, you better believe it.

- Eddie...

- I don't believe you.

- Eddie...

It's true.

They got married?

Well, can I...

At least, can I talk to her in person...

- No, you cannot, all right?

- Martin! Martin! Calm down!

You will stay the hell away

from Miranda, okay?

I'm gonna put my fist through your face!

I'll put both of my fists

through your face!

I'm calm! I'm calm! I'm being calm.

You're holding me too tight!

Stop it. Eddie...

- Take it easy, boy.

- I'm fine.

Now, look, we ask you to respect

Miranda and Cal's privacy.

Give those kids a chance to be happy.

If you care about Miranda,

that's what you'll do.

Okay, Beryl.

I will.

Miranda!

It's okay!

It's me. It's just Eddie.

Are you crazy?

This is crazy!

Hi!

- What the hell are you doing here?

- It's okay, it's okay.

Beryl told me you got married.

I just wanted to talk to you.

This is my husband sleeping

right next to me. Do you see that?

Yes, I do.

This is not the time or the place

to do this!

Please, please. Look, I'll keep it quiet.

I'll be cool. Just hear me out.

No! I am not going to hear you out!

This is insane!

I'm begging you! You don't know

what I've been through to get here.

Please, just hear me out.

You got one minute. Go.

Okay, look. First of all, I'm so sorry

I didn't tell you I was married.

See, I tried to tell you a couple of times,

but we kept on getting interrupted.

And then there was this sort of

classic misunderstanding

about my wife being murdered.

Anyway, the point is...

No! The point is,

whether you tried to tell me or not,

you tried to pick me up

on your honeymoon!

Do you know how creepy that is?

Yes, I do. I do. It's repulsive,

and I owe you a massive apology.

But, on the other hand,

I'm glad it happened.

Look, it's not my fault the Lord works

in mysterious ways.

And so, yeah, I screwed up, okay?

I got married a week too early.

But you know what?

I wouldn't change any of it.

I don't regret marrying Lila

because if I hadn't,

then I wouldn't have gone to Cabo,

and I wouldn't have met you, and

I wouldn't have fallen in love with you,

and I will never apologize for that.

Not ever.

God damn it, Eddie.

I know.

Cal, it's fine.

Martin! Martin, put the bat down.

Just shush, all right?

This ain't about you, it's about him!

What?

Who the hell is that guy?

This the psychopath who's trying

to steal your woman, man!

I knew you wouldn't stay away from her,

you son of a b*tch!

I can't help it.

The heart wants what it wants.

Eddie, you've gotta get out of here!

Not until you give me an answer.

No! There ain't gonna be no answer!

Damn you, Martin!

Damn, that hurts! Sh*t!

You... Martin, that hurts!

You wanna throw down, tough guy?

I will mess your sh*t up! Come on.

I don't want any trouble here.

Why don't you just back up, all right?

Well, trouble's found you, pussydick!

Dad! It's okay.

Look, Miranda, just tell me,

do you feel the same way, or not?

We can figure everything else out.

No, I don't, Eddie.

We had a connection in Mexico,

and that's all it was.

I love Cal, and everything that happened

in Cabo made me realize that.

I'm sorry.

That's the deal.

Come on, kid, let's get out of here.

Come on, come on.

Come on.

B*tches be crazy, you know that.

Come on.

Yeah, take care, Grandpa.

Come on, let's go.

Wow.

Hey, Dad?

Take a look.

If she's watching,

it means I still have a shot.

Your goose is cooked, Eddie.

Come on, man. You can't leave me now.

I finally straightened Tammy out.

What does that mean?

It means I stood up to her.

I told her that from now on,

Thursday through Sunday,

it's gonna be bros before hos.

I said, "I's needs my's alone time."

Really? You said that? Just like that?

Putting your hand up, like...

Like, half that, yeah.

And she bought that?

Honey, I'm conversing

with Edward right now.

I'll speak to you later.

Goodbye.

- Wow. Impressive.

- Yeah, see?

That's how it's gonna be from now on.

Please don't go.

Mac, we've been through this before.

There's no reason for me

to be here, okay?

Lila got the store in the divorce.

My dad's off in Vegas all the time.

I haven't really met anybody

in the last six months.

That's because you're still

hung up on that Miranda chick.

No, I'm not! I'm over her. I moved on.

In fact, I'm starting to think

there's a lot of good

that came out of that experience.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah!

Like, you got to sit around

for six months in your panties,

growing that funky beard.

That was awesome.

Yeah, which is why I need to change.

I can't just sit around

waiting for life to happen to me.

I need to follow my instincts,

and right now my instincts

are telling me that I...

Mac, get your ass

in the f***ing car right now!

You got it, sweetie. Hi.

Eddie! Think about what I said.

Bros before hos!

How you doing, Eddie? You sad?

- No.

- Good.

Good. Okay.

Okay. Bye, Lester.

Now, for another $150,

I can give you the Uncle Tito special.

A guided tour to the island's best reef!

- $150?

- That's a little steep, isn't it?

Or you can find it yourself.

You guys are pretty big.

I don't think you're gonna have

a problem fending off the sharks.

Tito! Don't scare these people.

There's no sharks.

There's sand sharks,

but they don't have any teeth.

You see that attitude right there?

You have no business sense.

Hey, Manuelito! Do me a favor.

Help Tito give these folks

some snorkel gear, all right?

Throw in the fins for free.

- Oh, hey. Thanks, Eddie.

- Thanks again, Eddie.

How much for a skimboard?

Hey! Hi!

Hi.

What are you doing here?

Down here with the family.

It's that time of year again.

Beryl and Boo are renewing their vows

on the beach this afternoon, so...

Wow!

And, to be honest,

I had heard a rumor that

you'd opened a business down here.

Oh, yeah? How'd you hear that?

I got the e-vite for your grand opening.

Oh, right.

Yeah, I had a group e-mail list that I...

I can't believe you really moved here.

Yeah, I did it.

I became one of those

perma-vacationers,

like we talked about.

- Yeah, I remember.

- Yeah.

Suits you.

You look beautiful.

Thanks.

So, you down here with Cal

and the crew and...

Cal and I split up.

Split up.

He's a great guy, but we probably

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