The Hero Page #3

Everybody take five.

Thanks, Lee.

(MUSIC)

Hey, Dad.

How was the procedure?

You know what I always said?

I'm not going anywhere.

(MUSIC)

(FLOORS CREAKING)

CHARLOTTE:
Hi.

Morning. Coffee?

Yes.

Thanks.

Did we, uh...

No.

Molly usually isn't good

for that sort of thing.

We did other stuff though.

Other stuff?

Yeah, we went out. After the ceremony.

We went out?

Yeah.

To a few bars, and a club.

You, um... danced. A lot.

(CHARLOTTE CHUCKLES)

How old are you?

How old are you?

Seventy...

One.

Why do you wanna know how old I am?

Because this seems a little odd.

- Does it?

- Yeah.

I mean you look like you could be my

daughter's age for Christ's sake.

Jesus. Don't make it weird.

It is a little weird.

How old's your daughter?

Thirty four.

Cool, well... I'm older than her.

LEE:
Still.

Look, I'm just a little...

confused right now.

I don't understand why you're here.

You asked me out, right?

Yeah.

So, what the f***, man.

I'm not busting your balls

because you're older than my dad.

But whatever.

If you've got a problem with it, I'll go.

No, I don't want you to go.

Okay so, what do you want?

I don't know.

Don't think so hard about it, man.

You're thinking about it instead of just...

(SIGHS)

Can I have some milk in my coffee?

I'm sorry.

I'm here because I wanna be here.

Trust me, I got plenty of places I could be.

But I'm here with you.

But if you don't want me here, I can go.

After I drink my coffee.

'Cause this coffee's pretty good.

That's Folgers.

I don't want you to go.

(MUSIC)

Can't find my phone.

You got to call somebody?

I like to check in once in a while.

CHARLOTTE:
Lee, oh, my God!

What?

You're trending on Twitter.

Your speech last night...

I got a text from Jeremy.

Oh, my God, it went viral, dude.

TMZ, Entertainment Weekly,

Jezebel... Holy sh*t! You went viral, dude.

What're you talking about?

Your speech. When you

brought that lady up on stage...

Okay, yeah.

People are going nuts over it.

Oh, my God!

Diane! They interviewed Diane!

Man, we really got to find your phone.

I'm not sure I want to know.

Let's forget about the phone.

You have a job to go to or what?

What do you do anyway?

So you wanna like...

get to know me or something?

Yeah, I do.

I'm a comedian.

- A comedian?

- Yeah, I do stand-up.

I have a show tonight actually.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Wanna come?

You want me to?

Yeah, sure.

Hotel Cafe, eight o'clock.

I'll let you know.

Are you gonna tell me

how old you are or what?

(LAUGHS)

LEE:
Diane, my hero.

(CLAPPING) Let's hear it for Diane.

She's a f***ing icon! (JEREMY LAUGHING)

You've got almost

two million views in less than 24 hours.

- And that's a good thing?

- F*** yeah, man.

Everybody's talking about you today.

They love you.

Check this out.

Hey, wait a minute, what...

What is this thing here?

You don't know about the iceberg?

No.

Success is just the tip of the iceberg, man.

But underneath...

is all your experiences

that made that iceberg.

And you're the only one

who knows what's really down there.

It's a metaphor.

People look at you and

they only see the success.

It's like a figurative

representation, like poetry...

Yeah, I see. I get it.

What I don't get is why this

is on your computer.

'Cause it's true.

(PHONE BUZZES)

- Hey, Peter.

- Lee.

I've been trying to reach you all day.

Yeah, what's up?

What did you get into last night?

I don't know.

Well, the phone has not stopped ringing

for you all day.

For what?

For work.

I got offers, I got scripts,

more commercial work.

I just got a call and they wanna bring you in

for this massive new movie called Galactic.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

It's this fantasy thing,

based on a young adult novel

and there's a great role in it for you.

This guy is the ultimate cowboy.

So, there's an offer?

You just need to come in and audition.

I haven't auditioned in

40 f***ing years, Peter.

They want you to come in tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

You can't say no to this, Lee.

You just can't.

Look, the thing is, I got some...

All right.

Fax over the pages.

JEREMY:
Wow.

You still fax?

(WHIRRING)

You seem a little tense.

I'm just trying to focus here, man.

This helps me focus.

Helps me come off the mountain, man.

What f***ing mountain are you talking about?

(GRUNTING)

Thought you were already making a movie.

It was a pipe dream.

This is real.

Okay.

Jesus Christ. You're making me crazy

with all that moving around.

Sorry.

You wanna run lines?

JEREMY:
Who are you?

They call me Turner.

Turner?

That's right.

And I'm here to help you.

But why?

Because you're my daughter.

I've come to save you.

And I need you to come with me. Now.

My father?

You're not my father.

Listen to me.

If we don't go now, we're as good as dead.

My father is dead. He died a long time ago.

It's me.

You don't even look like him!

I had to change the way I look

to protect you.

I did die.

In some ways, I've been dead for a long time.

I had to leave you.

But I did that to save you.

You were better off thinking I was dead.

When I heard the council

was coming after you...

well...

let's just say I'm not dead anymore.

I'm your father.

And I'm here to help you.

I love you.

And you have to come with me.

You have to come

with me now, or we'll both die.

You remember what I always used to call you?

Buttercup.

It's me, Buttercup.

I've been gone for a long time.

And I may not look the same.

But it's me.

I'm here now.

I'm here now, and that's...

That's all that matters.

(MUSIC)

F*** yeah, man.

I think you're good.

(MUSIC)

WOMAN:
(ON MIC)

A lot of people, when they get married

they register at some bullshit place,

like Pottery Barn, Crate and Barrel...

I had a friend who works for a non-profit.

She registered for asparagus peelers.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

B*tch, you don't have a bed frame.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You can't afford asparagus,

the gay uncle of broccoli.

(LAUGHTER)

My husband and I, when we registered,

we registered somewhere practical.

Kaiser Permanente.

We got IVF treatments and pap smears.

Hey, what can I get you?

- Can I have a Michter's, neat, please?

- Yeah.

Say...

Make it a beer.

- Whatever's on tap.

- Okay. Be right back.

WOMAN:
Last dude I dated, his little

brother worked at an ice cream truck

right outside of my house in New York.

And every day he would

give me free ice cream.

And one day he pops his head

out of the truck and he was like, "Ali,

have you seen my brother?

Oh, my God, you don't know this,

but he's bi-polar.

And he's gone missing."

And I was like, "Oh, my God."

(LAUGHTER)

(WHISPERING) "Do I still get free ice cream?"

(LAUGHTER)

All right, I've been Ali Wong.

Have a good night, everybody.

Give it up for Ali Wong!

HOST:
Ali just got married,

I also just got married.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

I loved your speech, by the way.

HOST:
Obviously... I married a woman.

Thanks.

You have eyes on your face.

This is not the haircut of a woman

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