The Hero Page #4

who sleeps with men.

(LAUGHTER)

You guys, we're gonna

keep the show right on rolling.

If you loved Ali, you'll love this next

comic. I have known her forever.

She is hilarious.

Let's hear it now for Charlotte Dillon.

Give it up for her.

Come on! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

All right, keep it going for Cameron

Esposito, our awesome host.

So...

I want to tell you

about my day, I had... I had...

an extremely productive day.

My parents would be very proud of me.

Um, I met a guy, and then I f***ed him.

- Yeah.

- (LAUGHTER)

But it's not... but it's not what you think.

I met him through someone

who's really trustworthy:

my drug dealer.

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, my God.

Young guys, right?

Young guys, I'm over you guys.

I'm over it. The guy that

I'm f***ing right now, older.

Older. And I'm not talking like,

forty seven or something.

I'm talking 70 plus, b*tches.

Oh, yeah! Oh-hoh!

Full on senior citizen. Like...

Allowed to withdraw

from a Roth IRA with no penalty.

Remembers when TV was like

black and white and sh*t.

But here's the thing... Older guys,

they're awesome.

They're awesome, they're experienced...

you know, they know how to treat a lady.

They go slow.

Because they have to.

(LAUGHTER)

But okay, can we can we just talk

about the balls for a second?

Right? Let's just, we're gonna talk about it.

I feel like we know each other now.

These balls have dropped.

Golf balls sitting at the bottom

of a tube sock.

(LAUGHTER)

It was actually kinda hot.

But you know what's even hotter?

Keeping his heart rate steady.

Serious.

I mean, what's naughtier than f***ing

someone who could die any second?

(LAUGHTER)

You know?

It's like...

(CLEARS THROAT)

So, yesterday...

Right? Let's talk about yesterday.

Enough about today.

(PIANO MUSIC)

(CLINKING CUTLERY)

LEE:
In some ways I've been

dead for a long time.

I had to... I had to change the way I look

to protect you.

I did die.

I had to go.

I'm leaving.

I'm your father.

And I'm here to...

I'm your father.

Mr. Hayden.

We're ready for you.

MAN:
Hey! There he is.

Good to see you, buddy.

Thanks for coming in on such short notice.

Thanks for having me.

All right.

I'm sorry about all the bother.

It's just that everybody's

reading for this movie.

No matter how big.

It's just the way this studio wants it.

I hope you understand.

No bother at all. I'm happy to do it.

Great. Okay, well... shall we just jump in?

Sure.

- Uh, you need sides, or...

- Nope.

Ready to go.

Yeah? Okay.

Um, you'll be reading with Linda.

And, uh... let's begin.

LINDA:
Who are you?

My name's Turner.

LINDA:
Turner?

That's right.

I'm here to help you.

Why?

Because I'm your father.

I'm here to help you.

LINDA:
Why?

Because you're my daughter.

My father? You're not my father.

I'm sorry.

Could I get the sides actually?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course.

Of course, you can.

Here. Here you go, buddy.

I'm so sorry, I had this down.

I'm so sorry.

Take your time, it's totally fine.

Thank you.

Yeah, don't worry about it, Lee.

You just... Just take your time.

Listen to me, if we don't go now

we're as good as dead.

But you're not my father.

My father is dead. He died a long time ago.

It's me.

You don't even look like him.

I had to change the way I look.

To protect you.

I did die.

(PAPERS CRUNCHING)

I did die.

(SOFTLY CRYING)

Sh*t.

- I'm so sorry.

- Uh...

- I'm so sorry.

- No, Lee, it's okay.

It's okay. Look, we'll go back.

Let's, let's go back.

Let's go back to...

God damn it!

I'm so sorry.

I apologize. I wasted your time.

PHOTOGRAPHER:
Hey, hey. Mr. Hayden.

Lee Hayden. How's it going, buddy?

Not now, man.

We all saw that video of your speech, man.

It was absolutely amazing.

Just happy, out of control.

- Not now.

- Listen...

Are you here for another western?

You're going to be

doing another western, aren't ya?

It's gonna be great.

We'd love to see you on it.

How did the audition go?

Get the f*** out of my face!

Jesus Christ! Relax, man.

Just get the f*** away from me.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(MUSIC)

(COUGHING)

(MUSIC)

(PHONE RINGING)

LUCY RECORDING:

Hi, this is Lucy. Leave a message.

(PHONE VIBRATES)

I had to do that act, Lee.

I had to do it to try to make

sense of whatever this is.

You know I don't actually feel that way.

But you can't help who you like.

I'm feeling really sorry

that I hurt you because I didn't...

I do like you.

So, I'm sorry.

Nothing I said up there

changes how I feel about you.

I'm dying.

I got cancer and I'm f***ing dying.

(MUSIC)

Cancer's not a death sentence anymore.

Just so you know.

Apparently, the one I have

is one of the worst you can hope for.

What does your oncologist say?

Like surgery?

Radiation, or chemo?

Is it untreatable?

There's a procedure.

Not a cure.

It can buy a few more years.

I just don't know if it's worth it.

Worth it?

Buying time.

Jesus Christ, Lee. You're dying.

It's all about buying time.

Yeah.

I just haven't figured what I wanna do.

What does your family say?

LEE:
I haven't told my family.

Are you serious?

I haven't told anyone.

Just you.

You need to tell your family.

And you need to get that procedure.

Okay?

Tell me you're gonna do it.

I will.

You need to promise me.

I promise.

Okay.

(SIGHS)

I almost forgot...

I got you something.

You got me something?

Why?

It was the f***ing reason

I came over here, man.

My ruse.

I don't know what to say.

Maybe "thanks."

Open it.

(MUSIC)

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Thank you.

(PHONE RINGING)

LUCY RECORDING:

Hi, this is Lucy. Leave a message.

Hey, Lucy, it's Lee.

It's your dad.

Look, I know you're upset.

And you have every right to be.

I screwed up.

But I guess you're used to that.

Listen...

please call me back.

I need to talk to you.

I have something I want to tell you.

(CAR INDICATOR DINGS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

LEE:
These are very you.

VAL:
I'll take that as a compliment.

Is Lucy here?

She was earlier.

Did she tell you what happened?

I f***ed up, Val.

(MUSIC)

I've got something I wanna tell you.

I've... um...

(TRAFFIC NOISES)

(MUSIC)

(MUSIC)

(PHONE BUZZING)

Hello?

How sick are you?

I guess it's pretty bad.

Were you ever gonna tell me?

How long have you known?

(SIGHS)

I don't know why you go out

of your way to be so difficult.

You know that, right?

You know how selfish you can be?

You were always away.

And even when you weren't

I was always very aware

that you were in the process of leaving.

And what are you doing now?

And the only reason we're even talking

is because you wanna die

on good terms or something.

Is there something wrong with that?

You don't deserve it, Lee.

You can't just decide to fix things.

I mean, what am I supposed to do?

Just die and that's it?

Over and done?

Would you prefer that?

I wanna get past this.

I wanna get to the next thing.

(SIGHS)

So, what is the next thing, Lee?

I don't know.

I just know there's got to be another...

Will you just give me a chance?

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