The Heyday of the Insensitive Bastards Page #2

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Dad:
Charlie

dad:
You want to explain

yourself?

Dad:
This fight that I am

having is mine. You understand?

Mom:
Charlie

narrator:

His fight was also mine

I am much older now, but a part of

me is still in that bed beside him.

The other part back

on that playground,

hoping that fight

put me back together again.

Amanda:
Pelicans can fly three

thousand miles without stopping

in the first world war-pelicans

transported supplies across enemy lines

narrator:
Amanda peeled labels,

chewed nails, ate the caps off pens

twice she tried to kill herself

I used to think we would be best

friends forever and not just sisters

that was before dad died

before she went to rehab for the

third time

before I moved far away from

the mess I used to call home

Lisa:
Hey you know uh, we were

invited over to Timmy later

Amanda:
I do know

what? I talk to him. He is my

ex-boyfriend

Lisa:
Yeah after he was mine

Amanda:
I have no problem with

leftovers

it does not even make any sense,

saying I drink like a fish

it is like saying I read like a

word

Lisa:
Amanda, who said you

drink like a fish?

Mom just said you

should not drive

Amanda:
Mom said you

should not drive.

Amanda:
You know what, you are more

like the fish. Lisa: I am ignoring that

Amanda:
Come on. You are being a haddock.

Like a smoked haddock you know?

Lisa:
Ok I have been home

for like an hour-

can we just have a

normal conversation please?

Amanda:
Sorry

Lisa:
Oh!

Amanda:
Does anybody want

a muddy Mary?

With some leaves on top?

Crap.

Oh! You know what she should do?

We should go inside

and get a cognac

that is the perfect dusk drink!

Lisa:
Do you think you should

just slow down a little bit?

Amanda:
Why?

I am celebrating my sisters annual

abbreviated trip to the homeland

Lisa:
Okay - well the sun does not

go down for another three hours

Amanda:
Yeah, but if you get started

early, anything is possible

you of all people should know

that Lisa.

Amanda performing: The combined

IQ of a colony of ants

exceeds the intellect of most

us senators

Lisa:
My mother

Ophelia:
You wish to eat me!

Lisa:
One drink made her queen

Victoria

and three took her out of it

Sydney:
I was under the impression that

Amanda liked margaritas - loved margaritas

Lisa:
Counting his cock

what me and Amanda used to call

our stepfather self fondling

Sydney:
What are we going to do

with all these margaritas?

I was under the impression

that Amanda liked marga-

Ophelia:
What are you talking about?

We have heard you already.

Ophelia:
Go find your sister!

Sydney:
Sweetie, go see where

she is okay? Huh? Thank you.

Sydney:
What the hell would you

do with the rest of these?

Amanda:
An ant is attracted to

the genitals of all mammals

both male and female.

Sydney:
Do not point at me.

- my mother is not dead

what, what? I'm

ready with the glasses Ok-

Lisa:
Hey!

Lisa:
Oh my god - oh god -

come on

come here

Lisa:
Oh sh*t

Lisa:
Honey?

Lisa:
Seriously - you are acting and you

made me drag you all the way in here?

Amanda:

Stripped of its stinger -

a bee becomes nothing more

than a raisin with wings...

Lisa:
Did you ever notice that there are

no streetlights in this town that work?

You still work at that delivery

place?

Amanda:
Yes - yes. That is what I am doing.

No - actually - I quit that three years ago

do you know anything about - me.

What I am doing anything at all?

Lisa:
Okay - uhm - let us not

Amanda:
Okay - I work at a dock

and I manage a band

Lisa:
Have I heard of them?

Amanda:
Do you listen to

any decent bands?

Amanda:
I wanted to do some more artistic

stuff so I decided to become a monologuist

Lisa:
Is that like a comic?

Amanda:
No, it is like

uhm, performance art, you know?

Amanda:
So I would tell stories

about my life

and I would incorporate facts about

animals and sort of do this -

Lisa:
Awe inspiring

Amanda:
Yeah - I kept trying to

push the show and push, push, push!

Amanda:
I was just hoping eventually

somebody would get what I was going for

Amanda:
Do you know what I mean?

Lisa:
Yeah

Amanda:
Yeah

Lisa:
I mean - I have a kind of

idea of the man I want but -

the f***ing clowns I

meet are never anywhere close

Amanda:
The stingerless

bee becomes an outcast

and must make its way in

a world alone

Lisa:
Thinness is genetic. Like

baldness

Amanda:
Unless you are me and then you are

really skinny but that is because you never eat

right? Look at that. Look at it. You

wanna put your little nose in there?

You wanna put your little nose in there?

There - put your little nose in it.

I like your hair.

Do not listen to my sister.

Lisa:
Do you have any

drinking beverages in here?

Amanda:
A pelican can fly three

thousand miles without stopping.

In the first world war - pelicans were used

to transport supplies against enemy lines.

The combined IQ of a colony of ants exceeds

that of the intelligence of most us senators

my sister and I went to see the

famous monkeys at the St. Louis zoo.

Lisa:
What famous monkeys?

Amanda:
The monkeys shared a

tail.

Amanda:
You could not tell

where the first monkey ended

and the next monkey began

Lisa:
I forgot how

many signs we had.

The hand signal that indicated

someone was lying.

The nostril flare that meant we

were dealing with a loser.

The hiccup that said, let us

get the hell out of here.

Amanda:
They would never let

anything separate them

not even the third monkey

who went into the kitchen to get

the first monkey a drink

Amanda:
And then one day

their father crashed into a tree

and monkey one and monkey two

dived into the magic bottle.

And monkey one

transformed into a bird.

And monkey two transformed into

a fish.

And when they spoke to each

other

neither of them could understand

what each other was saying anymore

Amanda:
What do you think?

Lisa:
You are prettier than I am

Amanda:
Yeah, I am.

Monica:
Hi, I am Monica.

Mr. chub:
I am Mr chub. May I

see your drivers license?

Monica:
Why you get a lot of strange

women pretending to me maids?

Monica:
Usually I do not mind

being carded, but not at work.

Mr. chub:
Please, come in.

Mr. chub:
Oh - I have my

own vacuum.

Monica:
Nice condo. He could be an agent.

It always pays to wear lipstick.

Mr. chub:
So, uh, Monica -

did you bath this morning?

Monica:
Seriously? Nine A.M. and

he is already picturing me naked.

Mr. chub:
Ooh I want you.

You will not be sorry.

Monica:
No! You are my employer.

We should keep it that way.

Besides I don't think my boyfriend

would like it very much

Monica:
What? You do not have

the right to ask me that.

Mr. chub:
I did not mean to offend. I

just have a thing about cleanliness.

Monica:
So I noticed.

His hair is kind of nappy though. I mean

natty natty is not a racist word, is it?

I dated a black guy once

come this way. Thank you.

Monica:
Wow.

Monica:
Ever think

about knocking?

Mr. chub:
I did not mean to

startle you.

Monica:
Well, you did.

Mr. chub:
You work very

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