The History of Mr. Polly

(Chiming)

(Clock chiming)

(Click)

I'm looking for Mr Polly.

It seems he cannot be found.

Mr Polly, sir?

I haven't seen him for some time, sir.

Mr Polly, sir? No, sir.

- Tell me, where is Mr Polly?

- I don't know, sir.

"Then," said Sir Lancelot,

gazing across the valley

to where the river menandered

through fields of corn,

"my lady and Queen, this is the hardest

and most mischievious adventure

"ever attempted in all chivallery."

Old gravel-face is looking for you.

You ain't half gonna cop it.

One moment.

Have you seen Mr Polly anywhere?

(Low-pitched) No, sir.

Get up, Mr Polly.

What are we doing down there?

Why are we rolling about on the floor?

Get up at once, Mr Polly.

It has come to my notice, Mr Polly,

that we are not happy in our work,

that perhaps

we are not entirely suited to it,

that we are a slacker

and that we need to buck up,

that instead of studying our trade,

we prefer to enjoy ourselves

staying out to ungodly hours.

- You see, sir, I...

- Yes, Mr Polly?

I would like to remind you, Mr Polly,

that when we applied

for a position in this establishment

we gave every assurance

of being a smart young man,

that we had every intention

of getting on,

of getting on, Mr Polly, or getting out!

Get out, sir!

Get out of my sight!

Get out!

(Mouthing)

I've had six years' experience?

I've had six years' experience.

That's your lot. No more emergencies.

Can't get a job, can you?

Can't get a job anywhere.

Why not?

Not a trade I ever ought

to have chosen, really.

Father's fault. He put me into it.

Social misfit, that's what I am.

- (Door opens)

- (Footsteps)

Your name Polly?

Yes.

Something for me?

Good news?

Found a situation, have you?

No, it's my father.

He's dangerously ill.

Never knew him very well, did I?

Stranger to me.

Took me to the pantomime, though,

every year. Crystal Palace.

Temper, too.

That time he wanted to get

the sofa upstairs, and it jammed.

Kicked and struck at it.

Lost control altogether.

Never forgot it.

- Looks peaceful.

- It was a merciful relief.

Second departed I've ever seen.

- We did all we could.

- Oh, no doubt of it, old man.

We was just talking

about the funeral, cousin Alfred.

You'll have to have a hearse, of course,

not one of them combinations

with the driver sitting on the coffin.

Disrespectful, I think, they are.

I do like them glass 'earses.

So refined and nice.

Podger's hearse you'll have.

It's the best in Easewood.

(Mr Polly)

Everything that's right and proper.

You'll want a mourner's carriage.

- According to whom you invite.

- Didn't think of inviting anyone.

You can't let your father go to

his grave without askin' a few friends.

- Funereal baked meats, like?

- Not baked.

You'll have to give them something.

Ham and chicken's very suitable.

Bit vulturial, isn't it?

- Where will you get your mourning?

- Haven't thought about it, old man.

I suppose I must have mourning.

If I were you, I should get ready-made

trousers. That's all you really need.

Black satin tie. Top hat

with deep mourning band. And gloves.

- Jet cuff links, as chief mourner.

- Not obligatory.

- It shows respect.

- Oh, it shows respect, of course.

Chasing the old man about to the last.

Wish I'd looked him up a bit more

while he was alive.

(Women giggle)

Oh, there you are, Alfred.

These are your cousins Larkins.

This is Annie.

Oh!

And this is Miriam.

And this is Minnie.

Righto! I see.

And here's Aunt Larkins.

- I should have known him anywhere.

- She's never set eyes on him before!

I should have known him anywhere

for Lizzie's child.

You've got her eyes.

It's a resemblance.

And as for never seeing him,

I've dandled him.

- You couldn't dandle him now, Ma.

- The things you say, Annie!

- My dandling days are over.

- (Laughter)

- My turn to dandle.

- (Laughter)

- Not me, thank you!

- (Women laugh)

- (Tutting)

- Why, Uncle Pentstemon!

You 'ere? You would be.

- These your girls?

- They are, and better girls...

- Is that Annie?

- Fancy you remembering her name!

She mucked up my vegetable plot, the

baggage. Trounced her, I did, fairly.

I remember her.

Have you nailed him down yet?

You always was a bit ahead

of what was needful.

- I'm glad you could come, Uncle.

- Oh, I came. I came.

- You Lizzie's boy?

- I brought Willy.

- Here's May Punt.

- Thank you, Willy.

Oh, Grace, dear,

it is good of you to ask me.

We are looking well.

Mrs Larkins, how very nice to see you.

'Ere! Don't squash my hat! It ain't

the kind of hat you see nowadays.

Good morning, Mr Podger.

Good morning to you.

You know your way, don't you, upstairs?

Get our gloves on.

- You have a pair here.

- Oh, thank you.

(Chatter pauses)

(Loud chatter)

Well, I enjoyed the funeral

more than words can tell.

I was just reminding Grace

of the days beyond recall...

Did you think of having

your poor dear father post-mortem'd?

I didn't think of it for a moment.

Grace and beauty, they used to call us.

Don't swallow your fork, Willy.

I used to have a young gentleman,

a medical student, lodging with me.

Mr Podger,

I didn't give you very much ham.

- Can you get past? Let me sit forward.

- There she used to sit, as bold...

The contents of the stomach

- ought to be examined.

- Elfrid.

(Mrs Johnson)... and the fun she made

of everything nobody could believe.

Trounce her again, I would,

if she did as much now!

I won't have my girls spoken of,

by anybody, old or young.

- (Pop)

- Ain't the beer up?

It's the 'eated room.

- Excuse me, passing so soon again.

- Right? Righto!

- (Hiccups)

- Elfrid.

The new doctor said

everything must be put in spirits.

"Ladies," she says, "dip their pens in

the ink and keep their noses out of it."

Certain people never had

any daughters of their own.

- Elfrid.

- Not another mouthful!

And kept us in she did,

every afternoon for a week.

- Really?

- (Miriam) Elfrid.

He'd swallowed the very key

to open the drawer!

No wish to make myself disagreeable,

not to God's 'umblest worm.

- You aren't very busy with that brawn!

- (Loud chatter)

(Chatter and laughter)

(Laughter)

Little dog!

(Loud chatter)

Oh, Alfred.

(Chatter)

(Sighs)

(Laughter and chatter)

Hen-witted gigglers.

Funereal games.

Don't hurt him, of course.

Doesn't matter to him.

Feel in the need of fresh air, Alfred?

You ever thought of, um...

investing that money of yours?

Money? What money?

The old man left you.

Pretty near 500 with insurance.

500?

Yes. You'll have

to do something with it.

Give you a tidy income

if you invest it properly.

No end of things you can put it in.

- Put it into a small shop.

- Shop?

Mm, a shop. For a man who sticks to it,

there's a lot to be done in a shop.

I haven't got to go back to a shop,

not if I don't want to. Ever!

What do you think you'll do, then?

Buy a bicycle.

Stamton. Larkins lot asked me over.

Why not? Oscoolatory exercises.

Good idea! Righto!

- (Children shout)

- Rosie!

Why, it's cousin Alfred.

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