The Hoax

Dana?

Dana, can you hear me?

Just follow the instructions.

Is that so difficult?

No, no, "N"!

Harold.

It's very becoming. I like that.

Guys, there's nothing

I can do, all right?

The meeting's gonna be canceled.

The building's being evacuated.

Top four floors are closed off.

I don't know what's going on.

It doesn't matter.

Nobody's supposed to be there.

Just follow the instructions.

Is that so difficult?

Clifford, it's 2:37

and my interns are stranded.

- Where the f*** is he?

- He's coming.

- He's coming?

- He's coming.

I think we got something.

Oh, my God. Is that him?

South side of the building.

Do you see it?

- That's him! He's here!

- Oh, my God!

He's landing! Clear the roof!

- Get your things. Go! Come on!

- Quickly.

He keeps his promises.

Fake.

- Fake.

- Yes.

Malika, Clifford is the man

who wrote Fake.

An excellent book

about the guy, artist...

I'm blanking... Who was it?

- Art forger.

- The art forger.

- Exactly. Elmyr de Hory was his name.

- Okay.

He forged Picassos, Matisses,

Modiglianis...

The whole theory of forgery as art.

What is art?

Very subversive kind of act.

The book sold poorly.

- Well, it could've done better.

- Let's not talk about that today.

Regardless. The new one. Fiction.

- Yes.

- Rudnick's Problem.

I like it. You're right.

- I like it. Malika liked it, too.

- MALIKA:
Yeah.

Yes, I did. I loved it. It was stunning.

It scared the hell out of me, actually,

to tell you the truth.

- It's an angry book.

- ALBERT:
But funny!

I mean, I read it,

I thought it was hilarious.

It wasn't angry to me.

It was nice to me. It made me laugh.

But anger's important. We need anger.

Which I think will help us in Germany.

Regardless,

marry us and have our children?

Brad Silber at Life is reading it

right now for serialization rights.

Great.

Harold McGraw himself

is reading it this weekend.

- You're kidding.

- That's just a formality.

You have waited, Cliff.

You've watched as less talented writers

have bypassed you.

But now, justice at last.

They're going to push this one hard.

They're going to bet the bank.

- Is that a promise?

- You can set your watch by it.

Andrea, I don't have a watch.

Then buy one.

Trust me, you can afford it.

HERE COMES THE SUN PLAYING

Calls unreturned, they don't read you

for six months, they're indifferent.

Then overnight... God.

Dick, can you hear me?

Dick! Here, try these. They're bigger.

No, they're fine.

We're doing a vacation,

a gentleman's celebration kind of thing.

You got harpoons?

The ones that shoot?

- Yeah, most of them shoot.

- Good.

He looks like a sausage.

All right, I'll take the whole outfit.

Set me up as a regular account.

I prefer monthly payments.

You're a prick, Robert, you are such

a prick. You played me like a harp.

Whitewalls, leather...

Is this guy a salesman?

Now, when my accountant comes by

with the check,

should he talk to you directly?

He should speak to me directly, yeah,

with the check, yeah.

Call the police, there's a

beautiful woman in front of my house!

SCREAMING WITH JOY

What's the matter, pear?

You haven't seen

a bestselling author before?

- Oh, Cliff.

- Yes.

You didn't think I was going to do it,

did you?

Stop, Cliff, stop.

Look, they're taking the sofa.

Oh, I love that sofa.

Hey, guys. How are you doing?

Hey, guys. How are you doing?

Ah, f*** the sofa.

- Close your eyes. Close, close.

- What?

- Okay.

- Oh, Cliff.

Cliff!

There, perfect.

You are a beautiful man.

I am sure you would desert me.

No, will desert you,

the tense is future active.

Don't correct the grammar of it.

You are not this perfect person.

Honey, it's finished.

I told you it was finished.

It's finished with her.

- Good night.

- Cliff...

- Keys to my new car.

- Yeah, got it. Bye, honey.

Have fun.

Andrea!

Andrea! Hi, isn't this amazing?

Isn't this wild?

- Can I talk to you a second?

- Let's talk on Monday, Cliff.

No, just for a second.

It's really important. I'd like to...

Look, 30,000 copies is not gonna do it.

A short run like that,

it sends out a message,

and it's not a good one.

- We're not publishing the book.

- Exactly, exactly.

With 30,000 copies, it's like

we're not really publishing the book...

Brad Silber at Life magazine hated it.

He called it,

"A third-rate Philip Roth knock-off."

And he told Harold. And it was awful.

It just rolled like a snowball.

I wanted to tell you on Monday.

I'm sorry.

Fine, we'll do The New Yorker.

The New Yorker's better anyway...

You're not listening to me, Cliff.

McGraw-Hill is not publishing

your book.

Book, gone. The bomb has dropped.

It's over.

Andrea, you said

that this was a formality.

Well, apparently, I was mistaken.

Look, if you have other ideas,

my door is always open to you.

The enemy, very deceitfully,

has taken advantage of the troops...

They are potatoes, all of them.

Potato people.

And you are a brilliant, strong man

who will have all his dreams.

All of them.

You know what I'm getting

for dinner? Swordfish steak.

It sounds good. Sounds enticing.

Oh, come on, Cliff. Forget it, forget it.

All right. Enough, enough.

I want to talk about my friend.

Tell me about the children's book

you're working on.

Oh, Richard the Lionhearted.

That's going okay.

I should be done

by the end of the year.

You know, it's a great subject.

War, sodomy.

I mean, the war part's great.

Kids love war.

But what do you do with the sodomy?

You know?

You see, I want it to be

historically accurate.

And you will make it so

because you are a superb researcher,

and a fine writer.

Thank you.

Bumped by this adolescent coffee boy.

My lit professor at Cornell

compared me to Hemingway.

The middle of my life is at hand.

I don't have a couch.

Think about this.

Henry Miller was 38 years old,

unpublished.

His wife left him for a lesbian.

You're kind to tell me that, Dick.

You're a very good man.

You're a good friend.

- Need a loan?

- Always.

- No, no. I was kidding, Cliff.

- You got a pen, kid?

I was kidding.

Your house is going into foreclosure.

- I'm post-dating it.

- Stop that. Stop being the hero.

- Go to bed.

- I got it, I got it. Walk away. Go.

- I got it.

- All right.

- Go to bed.

- I will.

Everyone's being relocated

to another hotel.

Please stay calm and follow me.

- Excuse me. Can you...

- MAN:
Follow me, please!

Somebody told me

that Howard Hughes is

moving into this hotel.

What is this? What's going on?

It's an executive decision

to close the facility for the weekend, sir.

- You're being relocated.

- Executive decision?

Howard Hughes

wants the pool to himself,

so he's kicking everyone out

at 1:
00 a.m.?

I don't know about that, sir.

That's power.

It's a friendship

between Tom Mix and Pancho Villa.

Revolution, Mexican revolution.

Men were men.

- Friendship and...

- Mr. Clifford?

Andrea's running late, so she said

that we should just go ahead

and start the meeting without her.

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