The Honeymoon Killers Page #3

or I'll make plenty of trouble for you.

How dare you talk

to my brother like that?

And as for trouble, I wonder what

the principal of your school would say...

if he saw some of those letters

you wrote to my brother.

I was shocked to see such things

from a school teacher.

Don't they have

a P.T.A. Out there?

I'm leaving now. I guess I'm lucky

I still have my car keys.

So, who's stopping you?

Why don't you

let your brother talk for himself?

You act more like a mother

than a sister.

Ray, you haven't said one word.

Are you afraid of her or something?

- Get out of here!

- I'm going!

This isn't the end.

You'll hear from my lawyer!

Get the hell

out of here!

Boy, was she a slob. Took me half

an hour to clean up that bedroom.

I think I'll put this on.

Might be cold on that boat.

Oh, I'm finally gonna

get to see new York.

And a boat ride

is the best way to do it.

- Who's that to?

- A lady from Missouri... Myrtle Young.

Come on. Let's go.

Let's go. Let's go.

What do you want

to write her for?

Because she'll give me

$4,000 to marry her.

- Isn't that a good enough reason?

- Hmm.

Here. You can hold this

while I lock the door.

"Charles Martin"?

Where'd you think of that name?

All she wants is a husband

around when her bambino is born...

so her mother and father

won't disinherit her.

- She's through with men.

- They all say that after they've been knocked up.

- "Knocked up"?

- Pregnant.

- Oh.

- You write her that you'll marry her.

In your next letter,

you better tell her...

that your married sister,

Mrs. Beck, is coming along with you.

Excellent idea,

Mrs. Beck.

Well, this is it, kids.

It's not Tara.

It's not even Little Rock.

- Your parents have a nice place there?

- Oh, you bet.

And if it wasn't for a certain

married son of a b*tch down there...

I would be home

right now.

Certainly is

a small apartment.

Well, it's the best

I could do.

I didn't know

you were comin' till last week.

Well, I wish you'd gotten

a place with twin beds.

I don't like sharing

a double bed anyhow.

- Not with a woman.

- Well, you could always sleep in here.

After all, Charles and I are married.

You know, you are much cuter

than your picture.

No, no, no, no, no.

Not cuter.

Let's say, uh, sexier.

I thought you were

through with men.

You sound just like

my mama.

Oh! Say, I think

I will phone Mama and Papa.

Well, now that I can

produce a husband...

I might just as well

start the reconciliation.

- What reconciliation?

- Well, I'll give them the address.

They still don't even

know where I am.

Then I will introduce them

to their new son-in-law...

right on the phone.

My dark and handsome husband.

And little ol' sis,

the nurse...

who has come all the way

from New York...

just to take care of me

while I have my baby.

Wait till tomorrow,

Myrtle.

- I'm too tired to charm them.

- Oh.

I think we should all

go to sleep now.

Oh, wait. In that case,

I'll just run down...

and lock up my new, uh,

second-hand car.

I want to fetch up

somethin' for Charles anyway.

I'll be right back,

folks.

- Was all the money in the envelope?

- Every cent.

She was as good

as her word.

Well, now we ought to

get out of here.

- Martha, that's not fair.

- Not fair?

Why wait around till she

tells her parents about us?

That wasn't

part of the deal.

I think we ought to get out

of here before something happens.

I'll talk her out of that

in the morning.

Well, I don't like her.

Martha, we are exhausted.

At least let's stay the night.

God, here she comes.

I don't know what

you two people are gonna do...

but I'm gonna

take a bath.

Here, Charles.

I brought you up

your wedding present.

A present?

Oh, that wasn't necessary.

Well, for whatever

the reason, we are married.

All signed, sealed

and legal, right?

Of course, of course.

And I must say...

you did keep your part

of the bargain.

Mm-hmm. Open up your present.

I'm dyin' to see it on you.

- Something to wear?

- Open it up. You'll see.

Oh, darlin',

you look irresistible.

- It's not bad, is it?

- It's all gone.

Hmm. I wonder why

I never thought of that.

What's going on in here?

How do you like your brother

with his new little addition?

- What, a wig?

- It's not a wig.

That is a hairpiece,

Martha.

I think he looks

divine in it.

Where did you get it?

- I... - I, uh, bought it in New York

just before we left.

I thought it would be amusing

to change my appearance a little.

Well, it doesn't

look too bad.

I'll just have to

get used to it, I guess.

I think we should all

go to bed now.

Myrtle, why don't you

take a nice hot bath?

Well, now what is that

supposed to mean?

- What, do I smell or something?

- No, no, no.

My sister didn't

mean anything.

She's so used to

her hospital routine.

Well, I am going

to make up my bed.

Good night, ladies.

I didn't mean that

the way it sounded.

There's nothing better than a good,

hot soak. It really relaxes you.

- Why don't you try it?

- Well, maybe I will.

I do feel

a little peaked.

She's in the bathtub.

Not now. I'm tired.

She might come in.

You didn't care

with Doris Acker.

We made plenty

of mistakes that night.

Now go to bed.

Keep your hands off her things.

This whole thing must be handled

with a little savoir faire...

and you don't have it.

Do you understand?

Martha?

Martha, are you up?

No.

Okay, now go to bed, my dear...

and we'll talk

about our marriage in the morning.

Martha.

- Martha, I told you...

- Who's Martha?

Oh, that's strange.

Why did I call you Martha?

- Go back to bed now.

- I can't sleep. I thought maybe we could talk.

I told you we'll talk

in the morning.

- Okay, let's not talk.

- Uh-uh-uh.

What's wrong?

Can't you see I'm crazy about you?

- My sister's in the other...

- Aw, she's fast asleep.

Oh, come on, baby.

Why don't you explore a little bit?

Oh, come on. Don't be so shy.

Besides, you can't get me

in any more trouble than I'm in...

so let's have some fun.

- Not now.

- Oh, geez!

- You act like a little ol' virgin boy.

- Shh!

That sister of yours

mothers you too much.

You want me to be

your little ol' southern mammy?

Hmm?

Come on, honey baby.

You want some sugar?

Hmm?

That's nice.

Okay.

Now go to sleep and stay there.

Now promise me

you'll stay there.

- Oh, you are a meanie-weanie.

- Okay?

- Yeah, I promise.

- Okay. Go.

What's the matter?

Can't you sleep? You woke me up.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I guess I'm just restless.

You want a sleeping pill?

I got some.

- You have any other kind?

- What do you mean?

Never mind.

You wouldn't.

You're too square.

You sigh a lot,

don't you?

In nursing school, they taught us

that people who sigh a lot are unstable.

- Is that your problem?

- No.

I was just thinking

about your brother...

and how handsome he looks

in that toupee I gave him.

He lied to you.

I don't believe it.

He never lies to me.

I think he's a little bit

afraid of you.

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