The Honeymoon Machine Page #8

Get a hold of this

lieutenant ferg...

Ferguson Howard?

Yes, sir.

Fine officer, sir.

A lieutenant, did you say?

Yes, sir.

Lieutenant Ferguson Howard.

I know that lieutenant, sir.

He happens to be in my command.

Not for long, though.

Where's my barge?

Below, sir, at the dock.

Well, get the steam up.

We're going to the casino.

You too, sailor!

Grazie, signore. Buona fortuna!

There is no such

a thing as a system.

Pay the signore once more...

Getting a little

tiresome, isn't it?

Monotonous, really.

I've never been so bored

in my life.

What do you say we blow this

joint and take in a movie?

You will not be bored much

longer, signore.

The next will be your last bet.

So soon.

Well.

What number should we risk

our money on now, professor?

11, 8 and 30.

And how much should we risk?

I don't know.

Let's not be greedy.

No, let's not.

The works.

Signore, do you realize,

if you win,

how much that will be?

Well, I haven't figured it out

to the penny.

But I imagine it'll be quite

a pittance.

A pitt-pitt-pittance?

Pittance.

What are you doing here?

That sailor,

you know that sailor?

Your orders were to watch him

every second.

I did.

Then why aren't you

with him now?

Because he just fell

in the grand canal, that's why.

He woke up,

and he's on the loose.

If they get a hold of him, they

might put two and two together.

That movie sounds like a fine

idea, let's go.

- Come on!

- I'm ready!

Let's not lose our heads!

All we've got is one roll.

As soon as we cash in, we head

for the hotel.

Beau, you start now.

Soon as you get there...

Well, look who's here!

I see you decided to come, sir.

Yeah.

Who is it?

The elevator boy.

We've been playing

a little roulette.

How are you doing?

Pretty well, sir.

As a matter of fact,

I'm about to make a killing.

That's interesting.

So am I.

On your feet, lieutenant Howard!

Signore, is

there something I can do

for the United States Navy?

Yeah, yeah.

Rent me a room.

Where I can hold a quiet

court-martial.

Certamente, signore.

Perdonne, perdonne.

Grazie, grazie...

Why wouldn't they

buy me that bicycle?

Lieutenant, can you think

of one reason

why you should not

spend the next 20 years

in solitary confinement?

I think 20 years

is a fair shake, sir.

Considering

your offenses, it's charity.

Purloining and destroying

Navy property,

the blinker.

Out of uniform,

a defiance of orders.

Deliberately helping a sailor

become drunk and disorderly.

I don't need any help

for that, sir.

I can manage all right.

So thank you very mu...

Never mind.

Yes, sir.

And most important, operating

top secret Navy equipment.

Gambling for personal profit.

Through the use,

abuse, and prostitution

of an electronic brain...

Let's make that

30 years, shall we?

30 years it is, sir.

Mr. Eldridge...

You're not subject

to Navy discipline,

but I'm sure I can guarantee you

an equally unhappy future.

No doubt of it, sir.

And as for you

lieutenant schillkraut...

I'm Gilliam, sir.

Beauregard gi...

As for you,

lieutenant schillkraut,

now, y-you're just a dupe.

So I have decided

to let you off easy.

From now until retirement age,

you will peel potatoes

on a Navy garbage scull.

Thank you, sir.

Admiral, since we all know what

the score is around here,

I think you can dispense with

my presence?

I could have dispensed

with your presence at 7:00.

I merely want assurance

that these men

will receive the punishment

they deserve.

I shall so suggest in my report.

You're going to make a report?

I most certainly am.

And I shall mention

them all by name.

My fiancee, of course, had

nothing to do with it, I'm sure.

As for this young lady,

I don't know her,

but she's a criminal

type if I ever saw one.

Make sure that

she's in your report.

Get her name right.

She's my daughter.

Your daughter?

Young foghorn.

Look, dad, let's not

be silly about this.

You can't put Fergie

in the brig.

No?

Watch me!

Well, if you want a jailbird

for a son-in-law,

it's up to you.

What?

I'm going to marry Fergie.

And the sooner the better.

Julie, I don't think now

is exactly the...

You keep quiet.

I was only trying to... Quiet!

Julie, I will not permit you to

sacrifice yourself

for this harebrained

excuse for a lieutenant.

It won't be any sacrifice.

I'll enjoy every minute.

Well then,

let me say, I forbid you.

Dad, I've got to marry, Fergie.

And he's got to marry me.

Julie, think what

you are saying.

You mean it's necessary?

Sorry, dad.

S-s-sir, she doesn't mean that.

She's only trying... Julie?

You're putting

a rope around my neck.

Sir, would you take the word of

an officer and a gentleman?

- Where is he?

- Listen, sir.

I swear, nothing

happened tonight.

All we did was have dinner, sir.

Dinner.

And a couple of short vodkas.

That's all. Is there any crime

against that, sir?

Nice going, Julie!

Thank you.

If you don't believe

every word I say, sir,

forget the 30 years,

and swing me from

the highest yard arm, sir.

I'm considering that.

Start glowing, Fergie.

You're gonna need it.

Excuse me, sir.

I think we should discuss this

calmly, and without passion.

I don't blame you for being

upset, sir.

I'd be upset myself,

sir, if I were in

the spot you're in.

I'm in a spot?

However, I think

I can get you out of it.

As I see it, sir.

Your problem is threefold.

First, your daughter.

Naturally you're concerned about

her, and why not?

You can put your

mind at rest, sir.

Because I'm going

to be your son-in-law.

That's a comforting thought.

Fergie, you're an honorable man.

So much for your first problem.

Your second, sir.

How to overlook my crimes

and still preserve your honors

and officers.

Frankly, sir.

That has me worried.

This isn't really happening?

No, no.

I-I-I'm home in bed.

I-I'm fast asleep.

Admiral, do you realize what

this man is doing?

He's making you look like a...

Well, like a... Like a what?!

You know your duty, sir.

That money out there.

Why don't you return it

to the casino immediately?

Why don't you close

your loud mouth?

Pam!

We need that money.

If Jason doesn't get it, he may

not marry me.

You're going to marry

Jason eldridge?

Did I forget to mention that?

Yes.

Pam!

Our engagement is off.

I believe I prefer it

that way, old man.

I think I'll turn

this whole thing

over to the fleet psychiatrist.

We haven't discussed

problem 3, sir.

Let's not miss problem 3.

You don't seem to realize, sir.

Your whole naval

career is teetering

on the brink of disaster.

A few minutes ago

I was only in a bad spot.

What happened to me since?

Sir, out on

that table is a sizable bet.

And if one of our numbers hits,

and it will, sir,

there will be a fortune

involved.

And where is half of that

fortune supposed to go, sir?

To the Navy relief, sir.

That's where

it's supposed to go.

It is?

You remember me

telling you, lieutenant?

50 percent of our

take earmarked for our boys

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