The Hooligan Factory Page #4

There ain't no going back!

South London. I sh*t 'em.

I see you've brought your boy with you.

Now you mind he don't get hurt.

Shut up, you mug.

- You f***ing little sh*t.

- You want some, Baron?

Come f***ing get some!

Come on!

Dad! Dad!

Move.

Dad! Dad!

Dexter!

He'd be about your age now.

I swore that day I'd avenge my son's death.

And settle the score with the one person

I hold accountable.

Hello, Dexter.

Baron!

So, finally found your way home, did ya?

- I just had to pick up a present for ya.

- Oh, yeah?

I've a little surprise

waiting for you and all.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

Don't waste my time, scum.

What do you want?

All right. Slow down, son.

Just a courtesy call.

Just to make sure

you ain't gonna bottle it tonight.

Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world.

I've been waiting a long time

to be in the same room as you.

Well, do try and contain yourself.

It's a gentleman's rendezvous this evening,

not Tottenham away.

You'll keep.

But when the time comes, Baron,

I'm gonna open you up like a village fete,

you saucy slag.

Dexy.

Don't bring another boy with ya.

Finished. Finished. Hang up. Hang up.

F***ing hell.

I'll get that, mate.

Oh.

You're the f***ing butler now,

are you, lunch?

- F***ing mug.

- Exactly.

I'll stick the kettle on, Dex.

Oh, f***ing sweet.

Nunchucks.

Quite a collection you got there, Dex.

I bet this lot has seen some action.

You're f***ing right they have.

Ooh!

- This looks particularly nasty.

- Well, of course, it f***ing is.

Dexter used that to stove in

Jimmy Higgins' head.

Look. You must have heard about that, Bill.

Yeah. I bet the gavvers would like

to get their hands on this bit of evidence.

Why are you so interested, Bill?

You writing a book, are ya?

Who brought the filth?

Come on. Who's the pig?

Finally, someone sees it.

Of course, I see it. I could smell it

as soon as I came down the stairs.

Weasel!

Look at the turnout

you've left all over my Persian.

- F***'s sake!

- Oh, Weas!

I'm sorry, Sharon. Sorry, Dex.

Now get your shoes off

and take 'em outside.

Hello. Ooh!

Midnight.

Sharon.

- How's the little one?

- He's good.

Nice having his daddy in the house again.

I bet it is.

Hello, Sharon, love.

How do you take your coffee?

Black.

- Like her men. Hey, boys?

- Hey.

Sharon, do me a favour and f*** off.

I want to talk to the boys.

So I trust

you're all ready for the meet tonight?

We are now, mate.

You, too, Dan.

- Yeah, mate.

- Hold on, dry lunch.

You want to run with the foxes,

you got to get bloodied first.

What?

Now, Danny.

I want you to put your hands together

for my friend and yours,

Stanley.

What you going to do with that?

Oh, Jesus.

He won't help ya.

That's poison, that is.

Don't bottle it in front of your new mate.

Well, if you're gonna f***ing do it,

then f***ing do it.

All right, f*** it. Give it 'ere.

I'll do it myself.

Oh, my God.

Oh, you...

Oh, my goodness.

Well, he's ruined your grouting.

Dan, mate, are you done?

Yeah, mate.

Well, you're gonna laugh.

Want an ice cream, mate?

Birds'll love it.

Dex, mate, can you do me a favour, geez?

Mmm?

Well, anything. You're in the Factory now.

- Yeah.

- Sweet.

Congratulations.

Great. Can you...

Can you call me an ambulance?

Gentlemen! Gentlemen!

I'd like to thank you all for coming

and welcome ya

to the 25th annual meet of the Hooligan

Association of the United Kingdom.

- Come on!

- Yeah!

Right then. I wanted to open up the floor

to any new business.

Yeah. The honourable gentleman from

South of the River.

That's you, Slasher.

My friends,

I look around and I see a lot of new faces.

Some of which I've slashed.

Some of ya I look forward to slashing

in the seasons to come.

My fellow hooligans.

What I'm about to say concerns us all.

Who in this room

has got an autobiography coming out?

For f***'s sake.

This is what I'm talking about, Baron!

Order!

Sit down, Slasher.

What we have here is

what's known as market saturation,

hence forth all book releases

must be agreed to by myself forth...

Move!

Dexter. How lovely of you to join us.

I had to take one of mine to the hospital.

But don't worry.

What I got to say won't take long.

Oh, good.

Now there's over 4,000 Germans booked in

for Europe this summer.

And they're gonna steamroller us unless

all our firms go together.

With me as top boy.

Testing.

- One, two. One, two.

- Now in the past,

our firm has rumbled

every single one of you lot.

So I suggest it's me that leads the charge.

One minute, mate. Who the f*** are you?

I'm Dex.

Weetadex more like.

That's quite funny actually.

What firm are you anyway?

The Village People,

by the look of that moody Tash.

Have you not heard? The 1980s called.

They want their clobber back.

Go on, mate, take no notice of them.

Which outfit are you?

- The Hooligan Factory.

- Yeah.

The who?

- Anybody read that one?

- Nah!

Go on, then, Magnum PI.

What's your book called?

I don't have a book.

You want to take us on tour

and you don't even have a book?

You don't have a book? You mug.

What a mug!

Hey, you f***ing crappy ugly bastard.

Go on, f*** off.

Dex. Dex, mate.

Why are you following me for, eh?

Didn't you hear 'em in there?

I'm a nobody. A f***ing has-been.

You're just a f***ing kid.

Go home, Dan. Just f***ing go home.

Oi, Danny, mate.

You get lost on your way to your penthouse,

did ya?

You lemony f***ing mug.

No, f*** this.

Yeah, jog on, you melt.

Babe. What's the matter?

You think I'm all right, don't ya, babe?

You're the bollocks.

You think?

Of course, I do, you silly sod.

You're a double hard bastard.

Always have been, always will be.

Now come on, get up.

There's someone here to see ya.

- Dex.

- Look, Dan, mate...

You came here, you should go first.

Look, mate, I just wanted to say sorry.

Me, too.

I shouldn't have gone off on you like that.

It was bang out of order.

Sweet. Let's forget about it then.

Water under the bridge.

So what do we do now, then?

It's just I've never really apologised

for anything before.

You know, we could hug.

Hmm.

Yeah. Yeah, we could do that.

- I've missed ya.

- I've missed ya, too, mate.

Yeah, that's my boy.

That's a good boy.

That's a good boy.

- That's a good boy.

- Erm...

That's good. Good boy.

Oh!

You're f***ing killing

me, you pair of melts.

God.

Dex, you still want to get back on top?

More than anything.

Good. Because I've got a plan.

- Let's kit you out.

- Sweet.

- Nah. That's muck.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, it ain't normally my usual thing.

All right. You don't like it,

you don't like it. Not a problem, mate.

Now this.

That's proper f***ing bit of garment, mate.

No. You know what, mate? I've got an idea.

Oh, God.

You mug.

- Danny!

- Yeah.

My plan was as simple

as it was brilliant.

We'd get back on top the old-fashioned way. By

taking a fight to them. One firm at a time.

But travelling around the country

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