The Hooligan Factory Page #5

don't come cheap

and no bank was gonna lend us money

to kick the f*** out of someone.

So to put a bit of extra cash our way

we all started working the door at one of

London's roughest clubs, the Bear Pit.

Get out of the club,

you little dollop of sh*t.

F*** you lot. This club's

a f***ing shithole.

I'm gonna get my guys,

come back and f***ing screw you.

Shut up!

Welcome to the f***ing neighbourhood!

Hey, sluts, what's happening?

Needless to say,

we took to it like ducks to water.

10? 10? You f***ing rip off.

Yeah. That's right.

Within a week

we had the place on lockdown.

No more gangsters, no more drug dealers.

Thank you, sir.

But there was only one problem.

What an absolutely charming venue.

For some reason

the punters just stopped coming.

And the work dried up.

But we soon found out running doors

weren't the only way to make money.

There's more than one use for hired muscle.

Guarding packages, minding drug deals.

Where's all the cocaine?

Me and the lads got paid to make sure

things went down how they should.

Go on, Weas, she f***ing loves it, man,

like a f***ing Hoover, yes, mate!

Well, no one minds laying out

an extra 10% for peace of mind.

And soon

people started to come to us for all sorts.

So what the f*** are we doing out here?

What do you want from us?

Well, basically, mates,

what it is, we're just looking for

someone to keep an eye on things.

Keep out the wrong element,

if you know what I mean.

Good job you called us then.

'Cause cracking heads is what we do best,

innit, boys?

Yeah.

No, Mr Dex, you misunderstand.

Charles and I abhor violence.

What we're trying to create here

is an environment of love.

An environment where people from

all walks of life can come together,

and dance, and sing and love,

free from the shackles of oppression.

Mmm.

Poofs night, is it, then?

No, Mr Dex.

What's that? Drugs?

This isn't drugs, darling.

This is pure love.

I love you, man! I love you, man!

F*** off! Back off, all right?

- Guys, why are you so angry?

- Step back. You're encroaching.

You all right, lads?

We've only gone

and taken one of them pills, ain't we?

How is it?

F***ing sh*t. Don't do nothing.

Two-bob.

Right, Midnight, give me another one.

Mine must be a dud an' all.

These pills are f***ing rubbish,

ain't they, mate?

F***ing sh*t.

We've known each other a long time,

ain't we, Midnight?

Yeah, mate. A long time.

You're like a f***ing brother to me.

I was just thinking the same thing.

We're like brothers.

Oh, f*** me, I love ya.

I f***ing love ya an' all.

What the f*** are they doing?

Yeah!

Oi...

What have they been taking? Tablets.

We were on our way.

Right, let's have ya.

With the money we made

from being doormen

we had more than enough to pay for

a sh*t load of those happy pills

and we sold 'em at raves

up and down the country.

It was the easiest money we ever made.

We hired a bus and a sh*t load of extras

and began to tour England

tearing up the firms one by one.

But I still had one problem.

Bullet!

- All right, Dex.

- What?

Oh, I'm sorry, Dan.

Can't tell the two of you apart nowadays.

Funny. I remember when we first met.

You remember that, don't ya, lunch?

Let me fill you in.

You might dress like Dexy,

but the only reason you're here is because

you remind him of his dead son.

In case you're wondering.

That's me there. Right at the top.

And it ain't alphabetical.

You f***ing sod.

It's f***ing on now! F*** this...

Have that, you f***ing mug.

F***ing broke my glasses.

What the f*** was that for?

He's a bit keen, isn't he, Dex?

He's new.

He's mental. Oi, this is

supposed to be the verbals, son.

You can't just go round hitting people.

- I'm sorry.

- Don't say sorry to me.

It's him whose glasses you broke.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

- You all right?

- It's all right.

- Sure?

- Yeah.

All right. Now where were we?

Oh, yeah. Come on then!

It's f***ing on!

Right. Step back. Come on.

Nothing to see. All over.

God! What is going on?

You flash, cockney bastards.

You know Stanley?

Nah, mate.

Do you know my little friend Makita?

F***ing hell, boys.

What's the matter with ya?

I'm sorry, Dex, mate.

Call yourselves hooligans?

They've done the lot of ya.

And you, Farmer,

your lot were a f***ing embarrassment.

You're supposed to be

one of the top firms in the country.

And you let yourself get turned over

by a f***ing has-been.

He told me to give you this.

"You have been steamrollered by the..."

F***ing...

What are you gonna do with that?

Something I should have done

a long time ago.

You can't bring a gun to a ruck.

Says who?

Just can't. It's not cricket.

F*** cricket! This is football!

I can't believe we did it.

We got the top firm.

When I go down to the shops I get

straight in at the front of the queue.

Pop down the boozer,

people are buying me drinks.

Feel like a legend. Like me old man.

Yeah, well, we're not the top firm yet.

All right, mate.

Ah, Midnight,

you want to come in or something?

No, I'm sound, bruv.

Uh...

Listen, Dex, erm,

I can't come to the final ruck.

- What you talking about?

- I'm looking to get out. Going straight.

Got a geezer who said

he'll sort me out with a job.

A proper job. Not a florist.

Dex, I got a kid to support.

No, you don't.

No. You're right.

I don't.

It's just,

- ever since that night at the rave...

- Oh, I knew it. I knew it.

I can't even look you in the eye no more.

And me heart's not in it.

Midnight, they need ya.

I need ya.

I'm sorry, mate.

Midnight! Midnight!

Midnight.

Dex, mate, it's the phone.

It's important.

It's The Baron.

- Baron!

- Hello, Dexter.

I do hope

I'm not calling at an inconvenient time.

Shut it, Baron.

Give me the where and the when.

3:
00 p.m. kick-off.

- Where?

- Well, call me sentimental and all that,

but one place does spring to mind.

I think you know where.

Dad!

Yeah.

I know.

You okay, mate?

Danny, I don't want you

coming to the final ruck.

What do you mean?

Look, you've done great so far.

But this ain't Ipswich away.

These lot mean business.

I thought I was part of something.

And I thought you needed me.

I do. More than you know.

Well, then why are you

taking this away from me?

Look, Dan, I've already lost one son.

I am not losing another.

I'm not your son, Dex.

- Danny.

- No, mate. I'm me own man.

You're just a kid.

Well, f*** you, Dex.

You wouldn't even be here

if it weren't for me.

Danny.

It's quiet.

- It's almost too quiet.

- Maybe they've bottled it.

Something all too familiar about this,

eh, Dexter?

And I see you brought another boy with ya.

Ain't you learnt nothing from

the last time?

What are you doing here, Dan?

I told you not to come.

F*** off, Baron, you kimono-wearing clown.

I'll open you up like a tin of beans.

He's got some stones on him, your boy,

I'll give him that.

Well, you listen to me, boy.

As soon as I'm done with the old man,

I'm coming for you, you f***ing pinhead.

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