The Hot Flashes

1

All right.

Come on, Armadillos!

Go, number 11!

Good job, Millie!

- Millie, great.

- Ooh-whoo! That is my baby!

That Kayla Rash is a b*tch.

Beth.

Jocelyn needs to get along

with Millie Rash on the court,

so keep your comments about her

mom down a decibel, all right?

Block out! We gotta play better

defense! We can do that!

We gotta block out. Ladies, we

have been the state champions.

- Are we gonna let them take that from us?

- No!

I didn't think so.

Let's bring it on in!

Armadillos on three!

One, two, three.

Armadillos!

Come on, defense!

Get them!

Nice pass, Jocelyn!

A" Tight, guys, get 'em!

Watch the clock!

Watch the clock!

Whoa!

Whoa! We smoked 'em!

We smeared 'em! They suck!

Yeah!

Armadillos!

The best of the best!

Yeah!

Mwah!

I'm not supposed to be goin'

through this for a few more years.

Baby, close that door.

It's freezin' outside.

I'm thinkin' of

takin' up a new hobby.

Maybe pottery.

Or a blog.

Everyone says my Facebook

posts are really clever.

I'm still waitin' for you

to finish up your last hobby.

I'm done with the paper, if you

want to take up papier-mach.

- Oh, no.

- What?

They are closing Tess's

breast cancer screening unit.

Tess's Traveling Titty Tester.

Have a little respect.

She was my best friend.

Wow. It says they are...

"discontinuing services

due to a lack of funding."

Well, how can that be? Tess left them all

that money. I filed the paperwork myself.

It wasn't that much money,

and it's been three years

since she died.

But the state

was gonna match the money.

It should've lasted

longer than this.

Well, call her husband and see

if he knows anything about it.

He's too busy movin' his new bride out of

her sorority house to care about this.

You know, this is Tess's legacy.

I cannot just sit by and do

nothin', like a lazy eye.

Are you closin'?

I can stay if you need a screening.

No. I'm just a concerned citizen.

I read in the paper that

y'all are closing for good?

Shame about the mix-up

with our state funding.

What mix-up?

Well, her money could've

lasted a lot longer...

'cause whoever filed the paperwork didn't

read that you have to reapply every year.

Too bad. I might be

out of a job myself.

I've gotten so attached

to Burning Bush.

I belong to the square

dancing group here.

Oh, speaking of which, I would

love to stay and visit,

but if I don't leave now, I'll end

up having to do-si-do with a girl...

'cause all the men'll be taken.

I hate that. Bye.

Anyone who says...

that menopause isn't the most

divine time in a woman's life...

is a pessimist.

I carry a cattle prod

from my husband's ranch...

in my purse at all times,

so when a pessimistic thought about

menopause comes into my head,

I give myself a teensy zap.

This is the time of your life...

when your inner goddess emerges.

Mm-hmm.

And I'm not talkin' about some

New Age pagan kind of goddess.

I am talking about

a Judeo-Christian goddess.

And you no longer have to worry

about getting pregnant...

or getting whistled at by those

handsome, young ranch hands.

Menstruation is overrated.

Hot flash, missy?

Hot flashes.

Mood swings.

Achy joints.

Oh, yes.

Frequent urination.

It's all good.

Hello?

May I speak with Beth Humphrey?

This is Beth.

This is Liz Hulsey from the

State Department of Health.

I got your message about

Tess Muldoon Mobile Unit.

I am thrilled when a generous

donor like you calls,

especially with

our budget cuts.

Donor? Oh, no, no, no, no.

I just, um...

How much money would it cost to get

the mobile unit back in operation?

Let's see. 25,000 would cover the

costs for the rest of the year...

if you reapplied for

state-matchin' funds right away.

25,000?

Oh, Lord! I can't...

I can't afford 2,500.

Well, darlin', if you figure out how

to raise the money, you let us know.

We'd need it no later

than two months from tomorrow.

Call me if you have

any questions.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Passes it

quickly over to the right.

Dribbling up to the side corner.

No, no. No, no!

Ah. Mmm.

Beautiful pass!

Hmm.

Yes!

Go. No, no! Oh, come on.

The free throw line.

The first one was good.

Laurence?

Go, go, go, go, go!

No. no! Oh!

Where are your old Burning

Bush High School yearbooks?

They're in the hall closet,

I think. Why?

Just curious.

Ah... Go on! Yeah!

Oh, I love this team.

Tess.

I stumbled across

Laurence's old yearbook,

and I saw that you were on

the basketball team in 1980.

That's when God was still a boy.

I played some in high school.

We didn't make state like y'all, but

I made first team all-district.

Did ya?

Mm-hmm.

You must still

really love basketball.

You haven't missed a game all year.

Mm-mmm.

You can't keep me away

from a Lady Armadillos game.

Well, next time I see you

sittin' by your lonesome,

I'm gonna make you come sit by me.

Well, that'd be sweet.

I try to get my roommate to come,

but she's not into basketball.

I cannot believe

I have not met her yet.

Jewel, right?

Yeah.

She's not here much.

She works over in Jewett.

We're just... roommates.

You know, two single gals sharing

expenses until we meet the right man.

How long y'all been roommates now?

Well, 16 years.

Whoa. That's a lot

of shared expenses.

There's nothing weird about that.

Of course not.

Oh, Ginger, you are the

least weird person I know.

Yee-haw! Howdy, folks!

Come on down!

Hi there! Ginger Peabody.

Nice to meet ya.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Wait... J... Just let me

get this straight.

You want us to play

a full-court game...

against the Lady Armadillos,

the state champs,

who are 30 years younger than us?

Three games.

What?

If we sell out three games,

we can make 15 grand on concession

stand and admission proceeds.

I figure we can raise the

rest with a bettin' pool.

Hell, men around here

write you off after 40,

so I know they'll bet against us.

All we have to do is bet on

ourselves to win the pool.

That, and win two

out of the three games.

I have not stepped foot on a

basketball court in over 30 years.

So we'll practice.

When people hear that it's for charity,

the whole town will pay to come watch us.

Maybe I don't want the whole town watching

me make a fool of myself playing basketball.

No, I can't do it.

I'm sorry.

I know. Listen, listen.

Just come shoot baskets with us

Thursday night and then decide.

Who's "us"?

Florine.

She's committed.

Absolutely not!

No way, Jose!

Florine, you said you'd

do anything for Tess.

That's just a figure of speech...

like "Break a leg" or "I'm all

ears" or "Have a nice day."

Nobody means those things

literally.

I'm too old to play basketball.

We're all too old to play basketball.

Ginger's committed.

Well, bless Ginger's heart,

but Ginger's not the mayor.

Do you know how hard it is for a black

woman in these parts to get elected mayor?

This town's 90% white.

I'm not saying people here

are behind the times,

but some are still trying to adjust

to Bill Cosby being a doctor.

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