The Hotel New Hampshire Page #2

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the man, hump it! Hump it!

You love mud puddles,

don't you?

- Put it in a boy's ass is as disgusting.

- Stop it! Stop it!

Stop it!

- Well! Look who's here.

- Leave him alone!

Your brother likes boys.

- Don't you, Frank?

- So what?

Stop it!

Hey, no harm done.

I wanna talk to you.

Alone.

Oh, well, sure.

That's possible.

Right now.

Yeah, well, right now.

- Sure.

- Let Frank go.

Yeah, we'll let Frank go. Right, boys?

We were just going to anyway.

I just wanna talk to him,

that's all.

Just talk.

You rat a**hole!

You could've been so nice but you had

to be such a sh*t of a human being.

I hate you.

You son-of-a-b*tch!

Leave me alone!

Ow, you make me sick!

You know you like me.

Come on!

- Thank you.

- Thank you both.

Oh, you're welcome.

- I really am queer, you know?

- I know.

It's okay, Frank.

Dear.

- I love you.

I know you do and I love you.

I wanna tell you something.

You know that school where I teach

may not be good but it's gonna grow.

- So?

- So...

- We're gonna make some money.

- How?

I'll show you.

The Thompson female seminary

can only be what it is. An old school.

I went to school there.

I know it inside and out.

Do you realize how cheaply

one can buy it?

Do you realize how much

it would cost to fix it up?

Why a hotel? You're always saying

this is such a crummy town,

who'd wanna stay here?

Maybe not want to,

but have to.

The parents of those kids at our

school, they come to visit, right?

There's no place for them

to stay.

If there was a hotel here

people would stay here.

- Oh, hi, Howard.

- Oh, it's you, Win Berry.

What're you doing here?

Just between you and me, Howard,

we're gonna buy this place

amd turn it into a hotel.

Can't you just imagine it?

A family run hotel.

We'll have the place to ourselves

most of the time.

Our hotel.

The hotel New Hampshire.

Hey, come here.

If only Dad had found

another bear,

he wouldn't have needed

to buy a hotel.

Franny was right.

Just as father thought bears could

survive living with humans,

he thought we could survive

living in hotels.

Hey, these are all screwed down.

You can't move them around.

Why should anyone have to move

hotel furniture around?

You gonna leave the blackboards?

So long as they are clean,

what's the harm?

This job's gonna be harder than...

trying to rape a rhinoceros.

This is Miss Rhonda Ray, who's

going to be head maid and waitress.

- Hi.

- Hi.

I'm pleased to meet you.

Miss Ray remembers seeing State

of Maine perform with Pop

when he was touring

all those years ago.

But I never believed it was

a real bear.

They were trying to undress him.

And nobody would get a kick

out of undressing a bear.

Okay.

- No meat.

- No meat?

They probably don't even know

what a steak is.

- Do you like Rhonda, John?

- He's going to.

Like you and Chipper Dove?

Lilly, try to eat something

and then you'll grow.

What's that?

- Who isn't growing?

- It's me.

- I've stopped growing.

- We come from Finland.

- And we never had a dwarf there.

- What are you saying?

Yes.

- A dwarf!

- Bullshit!

She's no dwarf!

She's a baby.

Isn't it great having kids?

Why don't you all put your chairs to

my table and have some drinks on me?

Mine is stuck.

Everything's screwed down around

here. You know what I'm saying?

I mean this is the ship we're on.

We're on a big cruise

around the world.

Around and around the big wheel goes

and where she stops nobody knows.

- Everybody ride the rides.

- Fill the glass.

- Come on, Pop. Let's get some air.

- Of course your chairs are nailed down.

That way when the sh*t hits the fan

at the Hotel New Hampshire...

- What are you doing later, sweetie?

- Come on, Pop.

Nobody gets blown away,

there you are, girls.

- Let's get some air.

- Hang onto those chairs!

They go nowhere.

Nothing moves here.

Screwed down for life.

Grandpa, I think it's time

to go to bed.

Please, come.

They say it works both ways.

- You can either call in or you can listen.

- Fran, that's not ethical.

Okay, sex check.

I'm gonna try the Texan first.

Nothing.

Now we're gonna try

your girl friend.

Disgusting!

I expected a little something.

You weren't that hot, darling.

Jerk!

Sh*t!

- Staying in shape, huh?

- Sure.

Your pecker's gotta last you

all your life, you know?

Sure.

That breathing gets me.

I don't know whether you're dying

or trying to come.

John-O, next time it rains

come to see me.

- Franny!

- Come on, wake up.

- I just want to sleep.

- It's raining, dummy.

It's raining. It's your big day.

- It's raining!

- Stop it!

Come on, put on your shorts,

brush your teeth.

Don't be a chicken. Frank and I

have been up for hours.

- Brought you some money.

- What for?

So just in case she charges.

- What are you guys doing?

Listen, we paid for. We get to listen.

We're just looking for you.

If you start to make a fool of yourself,

we'll call for a fire drill or something.

Oh, boy!

Hi. It's me.

It's raining.

Remember?

Is it okay if I come in?

Were you expecting me?

That's how the worst germs

get spread. Mouth to mouth.

John-O.

It's customary to tip

a waitress.

Oh, I forgot it.

I love the rain.

Franny won't understand.

Lilly and Egg are too young. There's

no point in asking their opinion.

I know he smells bad, but

it is not a fatal disease.

In a hotel it is! That dog has

terminal flatulence.

He's old.

Okay, but when you're old

we'll put you to sleep.

- That's it.

- Come on, old partner.

Easy go.

Grandpa'll be along soon.

One more fart and it's off to the killers

for me. I know that.

Jesus, we'll dump it all.

- Only Franny really loves the dog.

- That's not true.

She's the one who's really

gonna be upset.

Sorrow wasn't going to leave us

so easily.

We just didn't know how Sorrow

would return.

What's going on?

- The electricity went out.

- And it's Halloween!

They're out too.

Have the railroad station call

the phone company.

- Might be the main switch.

- Come on you two.

Let's switch on all the lights

in all the rooms.

The electricity is out.

It is now, but once the power comes

back on, the whole place will light up.

All right, we'll turn the radios

and everything electrical on.

It won't be long now.

Howard? I think he's had

a heart attack.

Hello!

- I think he had a heart attack.

- Hello! Hello!

Don't do that!

Hello!

I'll go get an ambulance. Come on

let's go get the school ambulance.

Hey, what's going on?

God, I hate Halloween.

Come on.

Well, look who's here.

The nicest ass in school.

Howard Tuck had a heart attack.

We gotta get an ambulance!

We were all going to the infirmary

for an ambulance.

Do you know what I want

you to do, Franny?

I want you to show me that place.

That place where we can be alone.

- Remember?

- Franny, dammit!

Let him go. I'll show it to you now.

- No, don't Franny!

- Shut up, blue stock boy! Shut up!

Franny, no!

Lenny, Chester and the rest are gonna

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