The Hottie & the Nottie
You know the girl.
Your first real vision of beauty.
The one that all other girls
have to measure up to.
Class, we have a new student today.
Her name is Cristabel.
Everyone say hi to Cristabel.
Hi, Cristabel.
The heavens opened.
And that was it.
The moment l first fell in love.
You know the girl.
The one you run to so you can
breathlessly declare
your undying love.
But things don't always work out
the way you think they will...
...when you're six years old.
She cries at commercials by AT&T.
She sobs at the videos on MTV.
But she says it's got nothing
to do with me...
She's just an emotional girl.
She rips off my suits and
cuts off the sleeves.
And shaves my head while
l'm fast asleep.
Sometimes l feel
she's the princess
and l'm just the pea...
And she's just an emotional girl.
Just an emotional...
You want the guitar?
ls...is everything okay...honey?
You just don't get it, do you.
l don't know.
Your songs, which suck,
by the way...
Are always about things l did.
They're not about you being
in love with me.
They're always about lalalalala
Jane shaved my head.
But you did.
And it's fine.
sweetie.
Why do you think
And l know this one.
Because you were mad?
l'm leaving....
And l'm taking my drawer.
F*** this.
For all l've put up with,
l seem to deserve better
than this.
Jane...okay, okay, um...
-Listen, listen, listen...
-What?
Are you going to keep
the actual drawer?
-You're an a**hole!
-No. Okay, okay, okay.
You can keep it.
l just don't know what to do
with the rest of it
Come on.
Okay...Jane, you see?
l came all the way
down the stairs.
Stop. Please, please,
please stop. Wait.
Let's talk.
This is not talking.
You don't know what it's
like to be in love with someone
for years and
have absolutely no idea
if they're ever
going to love you back.
You're a loser, Nate Cooper.
And that's when it hit me.
Yes, she may have overreacted...
But Jane was right.
make me happy.
Cristabel Abbott was the one.
But how could l have known the
hurdles l would have to overcome.
l have a valentine for you
in my backpack.
We just haven't had a chance to
give ours out yet.
l knew l had to find her.
And l knew just who to go to.
My best friend from first grade.
Who shared in the glories
that were Cristabel
and the art of nose picking.
Arno Blount.
Are you tired of doing
hundreds of ab exercises...
and not getting the flat
stomach you want?
Well, it's time to stop, America...
Because you've been
going the wrong way.
That's right, America.
You've been going the wrong way.
Now there's my Ab Away Pro System.
Designed with reverse ab action.
The fastest, easiest way
to have firm, flat abs.
lt's all the same.
My Arno just loves holiday candies.
So we stock them up year round.
They make me feel happy.
Can l get you a Courvasier
or cocoa?
No thank you, Ms. Blount.
l'm fine.
So you got a degree
in art history, huh?
Uh...yeah.
That means unemployed, right?
-Pretty much, yeah.
-Cool.
Means a lot more time to hang, huh?
-Okay.
-So, you want to know
what happened to Cristabel Abbott.
Well, yeah.
Well, l'm curious to know
how everyone's doing
after all these years.
Everyone...Right.
Well, my friend, you came
to the right place.
Wow, that's Cristabel?
-Yep.
-You know,
"cause usually 13's a bad age.
she just got hotter every year.
That's weird.
Dear lord...Oh God.
-ls that...uh...
-June Phigg.
The nottie.
Ooh...nottie?
lt's a very well known
law of physics.
The hotness of one girl is
directly proportional
to the ugliness of
her best friend.
Wow. June Phigg.
lt's sort of sweet they've
stayed friends all these years.
Sweet?
She's like some hideous dragon
guarding the princess from escape.
What?
ln order to
gain access to the hottie
The nottie must be appeased.
You're saying
that June is the reason
why Cristabel's still single?
Of course she is!
That, my friend,
is the whole purpose of the nottie.
Cristabel Abbott is the hottest
woman in Los Angeles.
But no man will ever win her heart
without getting past
that monstrosity.
And she will destroy you.
No. No. This is fate.
Fate is the reason
she is still single.
Look. l came 3000 miles
to get this girl
And it's going to take a lot more
than a June Phigg to stop me.
l like your moxie.
Yeah? Good.
You're gonna
need to see the file.
Ma!
Bring out the file!
Coming, precious.
She loves it.
The hottie and her every move.
Cristabel Abbott?
You should see the website.
Now, according to my records
She has a two mile jog every
morning past the Santa Monica pier.
She stops
at Danny's Beachside Cafe
buttered mocha and fruit salad.
She'll pass the north end of the
pier between 6:
15 and 6:18 a.m.Benches that face the ocean are
the best ones to view her from.
"Cause if you face the other way,
the sun gets in your eyes
..and you lose the whole thing.
Hey guys.
Here she comes.
Konichiwa. Good morning.
Hi guys.
l love you.
Good morning.
Oh my god, l'm so sorry.
Were you sniffing me?
Sorry.
Hey, aren't you Cristabel Abbott?
-Yeah.
-l think we went to school together.
Back in the first grade.
Were you that guy who used to
put Vienna sausage in his pants?
No. The guy with processed meats
that was Jay Gray.
You're not that kid who used to
stick pencils up his nose, are you?
No, that was my friend, Arno.
Nice guy.
lf we went to first grade together,
and Arno only had one friend...
You must be Nate Cooper.
l don't want to alarm you...
but there's
standing outside the window.
Oh, that's just my stalker,
Randy.
He's completely harmless.
Randall,
that better be 40 feet away.
So where were we?
Right. My job.
l work as an event planner for
this charity group...
which basically means l get to
throw fun parties for a good cause.
Cool.
And...l'm pregnant.
l'm not sure whose it is,
unfortunately.
Oh, l'm so sorry.
l'm kidding.
No kids, no boyfriend.
No action of any kind.
Oh, good.
Or not.
So what do you do now?
Or are you still into finger
painting and Smurfs.
No, no l um...
l'm a personal trainer.
You're a personal trainer.
Yeah.
Like a gym?
A lot of people mistake
personal fitness
with roid rage.
and a shrunken penis.
Not me.
No, it's a mind, body,
spirit sort of lifestyle.
You are what you eat.
And whatnot.
Actually, my roommate and l are
going there this afternoon for yoga.
So do you want to come?
Absolutely.
My roommate. lt's June.
From the first grade.
Wow...June...Yeah.
June's into heath.
She's a vegan.
Everything she eats is non-fat.
Oh...how delicious.
l'm so glad we ran into
each other, Nate.
Me too.
So the gym is at 6th and Ocean.
Here's my number
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"The Hottie & the Nottie" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 21 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_hottie_%2526_the_nottie_10226>.
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