The Hottie & the Nottie Page #2

if you forget the address.

There. Now you can't lose it.

Hey, Cooper.

Hey.

You remember June.

Oh God...

Of course.

Yes. Who could forget the

lovely...June?

-Oh, Jeanette.

-How are you?

-How are you?

-Good to see you.

-You look beautiful.

-Thank you.

Sorry.

Nice.

June and l don't get much action,

so we take what we can get.

Grab a spot.

So Nate here has become a

personal trainer.

Oh, yeah. But you know what?

Enough about me.

June, what do you do?

June's a handler at the zoo.

That's great.

The only downside is l'm

constantly covered in hair.

Not that l don't already have

enough to begin with.

June has a lot of problems

with hair removal.

l have sensitive skin.

Oh.

l mean, l've tried it all...

Shaving, bumps and ingrown

hairs...Nair.

Nasty chemical reaction.

The only thing l can really do

is Joleen Cream---bleach.

You know what?

lf you hadn't said anything,

l wouldn't have noticed.

Uh, not that l've noticed now.

l'm not focusing on that at all.

lt's natural.

Everybody has it.

Everybody deals with it.

l've got hair.

Okay everyone.

Let's begin with

downward facing dog.

-Adamucha Svenasama.

-Sh*t.

All right.

And easing into cat pose.

And arching your back.

And moving into downward

facing dog.

Beautiful form, Cristabel.

Oh, that was amazing.

So, Cris,

now that l'm back in town

l thought it'd be wonderful

if maybe you and l could

go out to dinner...maybe.

Yeah, that'd be fun.

Yeah?

But the timing's terrible.

Nate, it probably won't come as

a huge surprise to you...

But June's never had a boyfriend.

-No.

-Yeah.

And all through school,

l went out with any guy who asked.

l didn't know the meaning

of the word "no'.

Sounds like l shouldn't

have left town then.

That's why l made

a promise to myself.

l'm not going to date

anyone again

till June has someone special

in her life.

Wow.

That is...admirable.

But that could be a very,

very long time.

lt's just...the hard part

is going without the sex.

Don't take it personally, Coopie.

You're a great guy.

And if things were different...

Who knows?

l gotta go.

But maybe l'll see you later.

-Yeah. l'll see you...later.

-Goodbye.

She's not only smoking hot...

She's also extremely horny.

And for some unknown reason,

l think she likes me.

l've got to find a guy for June.

There's somebody out there

for her.

There's someone for everyone.

Boys!

Mom. Nate thinks he can

fix up the nottie.

She's got fur on her toes.

Mom!

l understand she has a little

problem with hair removal.

Has she tried the new lasers?

Worked great on my bikini line.

Grew back in like peach fuzz.

That's true.

But what are you going to do?

Laser her whole body?

l mean, you have any idea

what kind of radiation

that would entail?

What if l tell her that

she won a makeover?

Send her to a spa, pretty her up.

Somebody'll take her.

Please.

You want to flip this chick

you're gonna have to do a lot

more than just mow the lawn.

l got it!

What if l pay somebody

to go out with her?

Pause.

Look, you think l

haven't been trying?

All right.

This isn't about a single date.

This is about somebody special

in her life, okay?

And you ain't got that

kind of blood money, my man.

Arno.

The history of mankind

is filled with men saying

that something cannot be done.

who are frequently interrupted by

someone who is already doing it.

What does that even mean?

l don't know.

l saw it on your wall back there.

That is a beautiful blouse.

Thank you. l don't even know

what they're made of,

but they're wonderful.

Thanks. He's sweet.

The reason l asked you

to meet me here...

-And like l said...

-lt's not a date. l know.

l couldn't even think about

selfish desires like that.

l am just too concerned

about June.

You've really been thinking

about June.

Yeah.

That's so sweet.

And l gotta tell you

l am sickened by the fact

that none of these narrow

minded a**holes

can see how beautiful she is just

"cause they can't get past

some infected toenails

and some backne, you know.

l know.

l feel the same way.

And l think l have found

the perfect guy for her.

What's his name?

Who?

The guy that's perfect for June.

That guy.

His name is...

Cole Slaw...son.

Cole Slawsen.

A good friend, of a friend.

And that guy's name is Mike.

All real.

So it's the four of us.

Wouldn't you consider

that a double date?

Well, we can throw

them in the pit together

and hope they come out alive.

Or we could lead them

into a friendship that

blossoms into a lifetime of love

lt would be a major step

if we could get her laid.

Right.

The whole lifetime of love

thing would just be a bonus.

lt's just that...she never has...

And l think a life without orgasms

is like a world without flowers.

l couldn't agree with you more.

Yeah, l do. l do.

No. No. Go.

Other side.

Oh yeah.

Take it.

Okay, listen.

-No. No.

-Okay.

What if l were to tell you

that you could still

make the $500 bucks

but all you had to do was go out

on a few dates with a woman.

Does she have a vagina?

Yeah.

Actually, you're gonna have to

let me know if it goes that far?

ls this woman you in a dress?

No. No. This is a real woman.

But l have to be honest.

She's not necessarily pretty.

None of my girlfriends

have been pretty.

Good.

This is nice.

l'm gonna have her legs

behind her head.

Get her dude.

Oh, these are shoulder blades.

l thought they were wings.

l noticed you from across the bar.

And do you know what the

first thing l thought was?

Her daddy must be a baker "cause

she's got such a nice set of buns?

Do you really think

that all it takes

is a few hair plugs

some porcelain veneers

$250 jeans...to impress a girl

like Cris?

Or didn't that occur to you

while you were schlepping away

your days at the Porsche dealership.

to afford a few more of those

personal enhancements

Which, by the way,

will never hide that you

haven't been laid by anybody

you haven't had to pay for

in over a year.

So why don't you and your starry

head full of doll's hair

take a little walk back to the bar,

have another shot of Jager

And give my friend some space in

case a real man comes by, huh?

Who told you

l used to sell Porsches?

What?

What'd l tell you?

Pay our bar tab, b*tch.

What did she say?

Oh god, they're here.

Oh my god, they're here.

God, l'm so nervous.

Don't be nervous.

Just do as l said.

Right.

Keep drinking.

Well that...and just be yourself.

-Okay?

-Okay.

Steal yourself, Cole Slawsen.

Oh, my name's not Cole Slawsen.

Oh...right.

Like l said,

-as long as she's female.

-Okay.

Oh my god, it has whiskers.

And no teeth.

Oh, no.

She has teeth.

They're just not

the conventional shade.

lt's fine. lt's fine.

's fine. Come on.

Hello, ladies.

Cole Slawsen,

this is Cristabel Abbott.

Hello.

And the lovely June Phigg.

Nice to meet you.

-lt speaks.

-She's a woman.

l can't do this

My dingus will fall off.

You were rolling down your

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