The Hottie & the Nottie Page #3

flesh files.

l want to be released

from my contract.

-ls it me?

-Sorry.

l'll triple your offer, Cole.

Fine.

We are too excited to do

this, girls.

Woo.

Now remember to stay focused,

okay?

lf you start to panic,

practice your breathing exercises.

And go into your tranquil haven.

l am a mighty warrior,

fearless and strong.

l admire your commitment

to excellence.

Now, where's that driver guy?

-Captain.

-Captain. Okay.

l told him to be here by three.

Ahoy! Sorry l'm late, folks.

Just had to grab my keys

from the rental office.

And l'm not feeling too well.

You're going to have to find

yourself another skipper.

Out of my way!

-Oh, shucks.

-No, no, no.

Breathe. Look at the beauty.

Drink some of this.

Okay.

What we're going to do now is

what l like to call winging it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

We need you for the date.

Now this is

what l'm talking about.

Sun in my face, wind in my hair.

The smell of salt in the air.

lsn't this great?

Magnificent.

Okay...June,

how's your toe doing?

lt's a lot better, thanks.

This guy l work with at the zoo.

He works with the gorillas.

He actually mixed up a compound for

a silverback who had the same thing.

Okay, anyone want another drink?

Yes, yes.

Absolutely.

Are you okay?

Never better.

Cole has a little bit of

a problem with acid reflux.

l also have irritable

bowel syndrome.

And involuntary

explosive diarrhea, so...

There it goes.

l think l need to be excused.

-You know what? You shouldn't go.

-Yeah, l should.

You should probably stay around.

-No, l shouldn't.

-There's not even a bathroom close.

No, l can't do this.

Look at her.

No, no, no.

You're not going to go.

You're not going anywhere.

You know what?

Let's play a game.

We're going to play a game.

lt's gonna be fun.

lf the two of you could go

anywhere in the world on a date

Where would it be?

Home.

Okay

You know... You know what?

This is a question for me.

Nate. l'll take this one.

lf Nate could go anywhere in

the world on a date.

His dream date would be...Venice.

-Venice?

-Yeah.

That would be my dream date too.

Really?

Anywhere in particular?

No, nowhere really.

l just heard it was a great place

to get lost in.

Well, it's a gorgeous day out

and we're on this boat, so...

Let's go get some sun.

Let's do it...Cole Slawsen.

Get our tan up.

Breathe.

l got this.

l'm a mighty warrior.

Fearless and strong.

Come stop me.

Nate, good news.

l just my toenail.

You know, he's just cooling off.

The Coast Guard will

pick him up eventually.

This should cheer us up.

Good idea.

More alcohol.

That'll help.

Oh...dropped it.

Completely forgot l had this.

They were giving these out to all

the personal trainers in town.

Some sort of a promotion.

What is it?

Gift certificate to a chi-chi

Beverly Hills spa.

Ha. Look at that.

lt's for two people.

You know what?

The two of you

should really have this.

l mean,

l'm never going to use it.

Nate, this is for $2,000 worth

of spa treatments.

You don't say.

No, you and Cris should

go together.

l don't do well

with spa treatments

They tend to backfire.

That Cole was an idiot.

l saw plenty of other guys

checking you out.

Stop it, Cris. Come on.

We both know the only

male attention l get...

...is when they crawl

over me to get to you.

What about that guy who gave

you his card at the mall last week?

He was a dermatologist.

Well, he did offer to remove

your mole for free.

That's cool

He could have been flirting.

l heard somewhere that 95 percent

of the way others see you

is the way you see yourself.

Stop being

so self conscious around guys.

What am l supposed to do?

Pretend they're all blind?

l'm just saying you could try to

be more alluring and subtle.

Men like a little mystery.

Absolutely we do. Yes.

Unraveling the fairer sex is

one of life's greatest riddles.

Oh yeah. l'm the mysterious

type all right.

Nothing says subtle like an

infected toenail in your Chapstick.

June, don't be

so hard on yourself

You know what?

lt's fine.

lt's fine.

l know my place in life.

l allow your many suitors

to do their...

l'm a nice guy so l'm

talking to your ugly friend...

in the hopes that

l might get a glimpse

of your perfect breasts routine.

Right, Nate?

She's a little drunk.

You know, June, some people think

our bodies are like an Earth suit

A vessel that carries our soul

until you pass on from this

planet into the next dimension.

l don't even know

what that means.

Yeah, l'm sort of with

her on this one.

l'm just trying to help, okay?

Great.

Well...thanks for the help.

l'm such a bad friend.

No, that's ridiculous.

You were just trying to help.

Come on.

You're absolutely

wonderful to June.

l'm not.

l'm horrible.

l really made a promise to be

there for her.

You've been so sweet and

l'm really becoming

attracted to you.

You are?

And poor June's in there

crying her eyes out.

Oh, no, no, no.

Don't worry about her.

She's not crying.

She's probably

passed out by now.

l really like you, Nate.

Yeah?

And you're gonna

think l'm crazy, but...

l've thought about you

sometimes over the years.

Really?

l even used to look at our old

class picture once in a while.

lf someone were standing here

telling me that...

l would think they were crazy.

Or a pedophile.

But none of that matters now...

because l can't

just abandon June like that.

Look, l have a confession to make.

When you told me you

weren't dating

till June had

someone in her life...

l did see her as an obstacle.

l lied about the spa promotion.

l paid for it.

To give June a stealth makeover.

That's so sneaky.

l know it's awful.

But now l really do

wantto help her.

And l think l can.

But l need your help.

You know what?

l believe you.

Good.

Now stick with me.

l got a plan.

Are you guys sure this won't

have any residual effects?

Define residual.

Okay.

What we're going to do here today

is a combination of

aversion therapy

and do it yourself hypnosis.

Ma'am? Excuse me.

Hi. Could l um...

Are you insane?

No. Uh...

Okay.

Mmm...isn't it creamy

and delicious?

What a delightful reward for

your attraction to June.

No, no.

This is the good part.

l don't think l can do this.

No, no, no.

Let's not dwell in the negative,

Cole Slawsen.

Your Medieval Times

goblet is half full.

Huh?

Okay...get the pendant.

Your eyes are getting very heavy.

No.

l am going to

count backwards from ten.

And when l finish you will

only remain conscious

to the sound of

my mellifluous voice.

Ten, nine, eight, seven six.

Five...

Four, three, two...

One.

You will open your eyes.

And listen very carefully.

When you see this...

what you actually will be

seeing is this.

Hi, Space Lady.

Good.

When l count to four

You will wake up refreshed,

but you will remember...

nothing of what happened today.

You will, however,

remember my instructions

until which time you hear the phrase,

"l love ...

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