The Hottie & the Nottie Page #4

Midget ...mimes?

l love midget mimes.

Good.

One...

Two, three, four.

Oh, resistance is futile.

Wow, you guys look amazing.

June's going back next week

to get her mole removed finally.

Well, it looks like Cole and

l are going to have to take ...

you two supermodels

out to celebrate.

l can't believe l'm doing this.

l haven't had fat

or dairy in years.

Whatever you've been doing...

it is working, you saucy minx.

The spa said

June's skin needs fat.

Yeah.

They also gave me Rogaine

for women

and prescriptions for my skin

and my toenail thing.

l'm really sorry if my toenail

grossed you out, Cole.

lt was really embarrassing.

how could l ever be grossed out

by such a luscious,

pouty lipped inter---gallactic

vixen such as yourself?

Thank the gods you were

disconnected from the

Borg Collective through

the neutralization of

your upper spinal

column neurotransceiver.

What?

Cole is a Trekkie.

lsn't that fun?

So that is the highest

complement he can pay you.

ln this galaxy or any other.

Let's keep walking.

A little separation is fine.

You know, Cole, the pier is

June's favorite spot in L.A.

Yeah, l like to come down here

late at night,

when everybody's gone.

That way none of the tourists

ask me to take their picture

with them for five dollars.

You are a fiery goddess

with a clever tongue...

to match your stunning countenance.

Oh, you've got a little...

l'll get it.

You know what?

Let's leave these two little

lovebirds alone, huh.

-l don't think that's the best idea.

-No, no, no.

-No, seriously.

-They're cute together. Come on.

He's just a little strange.

We all are in some ways, you know.

You've got to be kidding me.

Oh, look, Daddy.

l love midget mimes.

They're called little people,

honey.

Oh, l totally forgot to tell you

that Cole had

a traumatic experience

with a mime as a child.

Oh, it was awful.

lt was his 5th birthday party and

a mime came to perform and

unfortunately he caught the mime

performing personal services

for his mother

But, hey, look, this is fun.

This might be good.

l'm not going to stand for this.

Excuse me.

Don't mind him.

He's a sad little man.

l'm Johann.

Sorry there's no antipasto...

This is all l could whip up.

-Nice place.

-Thanks, buddy.

lt's cold and a little windy.

Here's to new friends.

Cheers.

Cherrios.

God, this view is incredible.

You can even see

the Pier from here.

l like to go down there sometimes.

Hang out with the crowds.

People watch.

lt could get a little lonely

when you're single.

So...Johann...are you

are you originally from L.A.?

No, l grew up in Europe.

My parents run

a little mountaineering

school in the Swiss Alps.

l moved here when l was

seventeen for college.

Where did you go to college?

Harvard.

Oh...Right.

Oh, it's really not

that impressive.

My parents didn't have to spend

all that lvy League money...

for me just to become a dentist.

You're a dentist?

Yeah, l love it.

lt's so fulfilling.

Of course, l did take a few years

off for the Marines.

Let me get this straight.

You went to Harvard

became a Marine

and now you're a dentist?

Yeah, l also did

a little modeling on the side

just so my folks wouldn't have

to swing dental school.

l still do it every now and

then just for a kick.

Oh my god, l've seen you.

Were you on the cover of

July's Men's Abs?

Yeah. l didn't see it.

l was in Central Asia

over the summer...

doing Doctors Without Borders.

My group's done some

fund raisers with them.

They really do

the most amazing work.

lt's the most rewarding

thing l've ever done.

Have you ever done any modeling?

You have unbelievable

bone structure.

Look at! Oh, look at that.

There's the bread.

lt was hiding from me.

This is so weird.

You and Nate have

so much in common.

We do?

We do?

How's that?

Well...you're both really

into physical fitness.

And Nate, here,

is a personal trainer.

A personal trainer?

Like at a gym?

He's more of a lifestyle coach.

Right, Nate?

-Yeah.

-Exercise, diet, the whole nine yards.

That's it.

All nine of them.

June, if you don't mind me

saying so, you have...

the most intriguing case of

fluorosis l've ever seen.

Please excuse my rudeness.

l just always notice teeth.

You never thought about

getting them fixed?

Well, l thought about it...

but my insurance doesn't

cover any cosmetic stuff, so

l bet you never had a cavity.

That's true.

l never have.

You are so lucky.

Most of my patients would love

to trade places with you.

You are so screwed.

l am?

He's just buttering up the

freak to get to Cristabel.

This is your competition, my man.

Where the hell did you get that?

Mom saves old issues.

l'll put it back on her bed

before she realizes it's gone.

l'm not sure

he's after Cristabel.

l actually think he likes June.

Well has he ever technically

asked June out on a date?

Well, not really.

Any one on one action whatsoever?

He offered to fix her teeth.

Then he hasn't closed

the door to dating Cristabel.

He's just doing a favor for her

hideously deformed friend.

You're going through

the front door.

He's going through

the back door.

He's a back door man! lt's a

time honored technique.

No. But what if Cristabel

doesn't have a back door?

Or what if it's locked,

and everybody just

goes through the front door?

Oh, l'm not interested in you.

l just want to be friends.

Oh, oh, excuse me is that

my penis hitting your cervix?

What am l going to do?

Easy. You shadow him.

Shadow him?

Yeah, just make sure they're

never alone together

where he can impress her without

you being there to deflect it.

What you can't do,

is let him show you up

in any way, okay?

lf he ever tries to take off his

shirt in front of her...

you got to make sure it only

happens over your dead puny body

Shirt stays on. Got it.

And secondly if his shirt ever

does come off in front of her,

poke out her eyes.

Eyes poked out.

Thirdly, lie.

Lie?

Oh, come on.

l thought that the most

important rule in relationships

was to be honest.

l'm sorry.

Are you a former Marine

that graduated from Harvard

and fixes needy

children's teeth?

l got two words for you, my man.

Lie.

The perfect people have left the

genetically inferior ones to die.

Save yourself, Nate.

No, l'm not letting you go.

Not on my watch.

Stop!

Stop, please.

This is awful.

God, you're telling me?

l'm not even

supposed to be in the sun.

l had my skin lasered last week.

Really?

Oh, yeah, l'm nubby.

Johann is making

the veneers next week.

l had to shave down her teeth

in order to take the impression.

She's going to

look like Farrah in '79.

Can you believe

how generous that it?

Super generous.

And clearly

with no ulterior motive.

The truth is,

there is an ulterior motive.

l can show the before and

after pictures to new patients.

That's perfect.

Just gives me more motivation to

enhance June's natural radiance.

Speaking of natural beauty...

Let's go.

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