The Humbling Page #3

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What?

I thought that it meant

that you would marry me.

But then a couple of decades

went by and you never showed up.

Well, you all moved 3,000

miles away, you know.

So, tell me, how are you parents doing?

I don't know.

I mostly try to avoid them.

Why?

They don't approve

of who I'm living with.

Oh, yeah?

Who is he? What is he?

It's a she.

She? Whoa.

Well, that's okay.

Great.

Sh*t.

I got to take this sh*t. Sorry.

Okay.

Hello?

Oh, hi, yeah. No, I just...

I stopped by his house and we talked.

Yes, we're talking. We're talking.

No, I just got back. It's a nice house.

It's a really nice house. Yeah.

Because basically it's none of

your goddamn business, okay?

Okay, I'll talk to you

when I talk to you.

I'll talk to you when I

talk to you. Okay, bye.

Oh, God.

Everything all right?

Yeah, it's just someone's freaking out

about casting for Tuesday.

- This is Sunday.

- I know. They were just being annoying.

- Yeah.

- Oh, you know, maybe you could help.

We're doing a contemporary

adaptation of Macbeth

- and I cannot think of another actor...

- No.

I'd like to try it out on more than you.

- Not a good idea.

- Why not?

I get anxious.

And here I was thinking you were

getting back your killer charisma.

- Oh, no.

- This is all very unlike you.

- It is?

- Yeah.

You know what's like me?

Yeah, I'm starting to figure it out.

Well...

We should get this to

run all over the house.

Want to stay for dinner?

- Yeah, okay.

- Good.

Oh, no.

- It's okay.

- Oh, the waiter in me.

- Have some.

- Wow.

We're brilliant engineers

and we didn't even have

to employ... abused labor.

So, what happened with your acting?

I don't know.

Just it's just too tedious to discuss.

Well, did something happen

or did you retire?

Would you...

please don't ask me about that.

You know, I've been really...

spending, like, 30 days

talking about nothing else, so...

- Okay, well...

- ...if we could just, you know.

What do you want to talk about?

Well, there's the...

the signing of...

- I thought you slept with women.

- I do.

What do you think of her?

Well, she's my friend's daughter.

And she's a lesbian.

You never been with a man?

Not in 16 years.

Oh, well...

I haven't been with

a lesbian in 67 years.

That you know of.

Flirtatious lesbian, I might add.

However that's possible.

You...

I don't know what to say.

You're a... you're with a woman now?

Yeah. Kind... Yeah, pretty much.

Why do you... why do you say that?

Well, she's a lesbian

and she's flirting with me.

Doesn't bother you, the age difference?

I have been thinking

about you inappropriately

since it was really inappropriate.

Well, you're the psychiatrist.

How does that track with you?

But who is this who lies so very awake?

It was thus when I awoke.

So, what shall we do with it, my lord?

For now I would say...

let it be.

Enjoy what time it has left.

Or perhaps...

we could...

just talk gentle to it

or...

maybe just keep it

warm and safe.

Yeah?

Be forewarned, Mr. Famous.

Pegeen is desirable,

she's audacious,

and she's utterly ruthless.

Utterly cold-hearted, incomparably

selfish, and completely amoral.

Hello?

Hi. I understand Louise has been

calling you and I have to apologize.

Louise?

Louise Trenner,

the dean of Westcott College.

Oh, so that's what those

cryptic cell calls were about.

Little creepy hang-ups coming

in the middle of the night

waking me out of my deep slumber.

- Hello?

- She will drain you.

- She will diminish your mental capacity to think.

- Who is this? Who is this?

She will render you useless

and you will suffer.

- Pegeen told me where you live.

- Is this Louise?

- You stay away from her.

- Louise?

- Yes.

- I know she's there.

Why won't you put her on the phone?

Put her on the phone right now.

- Hello? Hello?

- Where is she? I just want to see her.

- Louise, just...

- I just... I just need to see her.

- What are...

- I just... just need to talk to her.

- I just need to look into her eyes...

- What are you doing?

...and just ask her why.

Just ask her why.

Are you alone?

Oh, God. Oh.

- Are you alone?

- I'm sorry. I'm alone.

Okay. Miss...

- Miss Trenner, I presume?

- Yes. And you...

You're older than I thought.

- What do you think you're doing here?

- I know. I'm trespassing.

Could you lower your gun, please?

You're making me very nervous.

You're making me very nervous.

You're peeping into my house.

I just wanted to see where

she was going every weekend.

She...

she told me she'd be with me forever

and then three weeks later she was gone.

I don't know why she left you for me.

- Don't you?

- No, I don't.

You're beautiful. You're gorgeous.

You're a valkyrie.

What am I? I'm an old man.

True.

Good. Why don't you come

inside for a minute?

Why? So you could seduce me, too?

Is that your specialty, Mr. Axler,

converting lesbians?

Madam, it is not I who is trespassing.

It is not I who is a Peeping Tom.

It is not I who is making anonymous

phone calls in the middle of the night

- asking for a "Mr. Famous."

- Oh, God.

- Is she worth all this?

- No. She's not even that beautiful.

- She's not that intelligent.

- Okay.

She's unusually childish for her age.

She's just a kid, really.

So, why don't you come inside?

Why do you want me to step inside?

Because of the triumph it would

be to sleep with the woman

that Pegeen used to sleep with?

- Because I'm being polite.

- No.

- Because it's cold out and you...

- You want to f*** me.

You think you're safe, but you're not.

When she's through playing

with you, she's going to...

take you apart like a

cheap Christmas toy.

I was up for the position at Westcott

and Louise wouldn't give me the job,

so I met with her and then

I turned on all the charm.

I was desperate. I had to.

She wasn't going to give you the job?

- No, that's what I just said.

- I know, but why?

Had she seen you before?

Was it something about...

It was possible that I might not

have been the strongest candidate

that they were looking at,

but I had other things to offer,

which I let her know, wink wink.

She just wasn't going to give it to me.

I wasn't their top candidate.

Well, how did... how did she know that?

I had heard it through

the academic grapevine.

It's academia, it's not the NSA.

- Why are you so obsessed with this, Simon?

- I just want to know. I just want to know.

Are you sure you don't like

me in my present uniform?

Let me just get this.

Why don't you go inside?

I'll meet you there.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah. Jerry.

Hi, what are you doing?

No, no, no, no. No more acting.

No acting. No, no.

No acting. I just...

Why don't you get me a deal

writing my memoirs?

Well, isn't that what

washed-up actors do?

Why did you take her shopping?

I don't know.

Did you want her to become a woman

or just to look like one?

I mean, you know,

when you're enacting a role,

usually you dress accordingly.

Otherwise you confuse the audience.

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