The Humbling Page #8

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Come on. Don't be such a bore.

Live a little.

Look, I have something for you.

Hey, Simon.

Still trying to think of

the name of that movie.

What?

I was going to give Tracy

a tour of the house.

Okay.

- Okay.

- Okay. Bye.

- Bye.

- Isn't this great?

Hello, Doc, hi.

You'll never guess...

the turn of events.

Well...

she told me that she...

she wanted me to be

the father of her child.

I never heard you

talk about a child before.

I mean, Pegeen has been

planning our lives together.

Are you sure that's

what she actually said?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I don't like the sound of this, Simon.

I want you to come in and see me

for a face to face session.

To be honest, I find the inconsistencies

of what you're telling me

to be very disturbing. So, please,

come by my office.

Don't neglect this, Simon.

I'm very concerned about you.

I'm Simon Axler.

I'm having my sperm tested.

Well, this is dermatology.

Fertility is three flights up.

- Have a seat.

- Thank you very much.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I got lost.

That's okay.

You're under so much pressure.

Yeah.

Well, here it is.

You know, I'm closing in on 70.

That's still young.

When this child is 10,

I'll be pushing 80.

Who knows, by that time...

- I may not be your choice.

- You'll always be my choice.

Yeah. Well...

That's good to know.

That's really good to know.

I'm going to be bald in a wheelchair

with this spine of mine.

Believe me, I'll be in a wheelchair.

And then what? Probably dead.

Maybe I'm not suited to be a father.

Maybe...

it was too late.

Another missed opportunity.

I've missed so many in my life.

You know, I missed everything.

Gave up my life.

You didn't. Here you are embracing life.

We're going to have a baby,

and you're going to get back surgery,

and we're going to be in love

for the rest of your life.

I can't believe...

that you're saying these things.

I mean...

I mean, that everything...

would come to this. I mean...

Things would take on

this turn of events.

Yeah.

Well, here I am.

Ready to go back to work,

resume my career,

and if all goes well today...

impregnate you. Right?

I am old now.

And these same crosses...

spoil me.

And these same crosses...

Hello?

Hello?

Who is this?

I want to say some things to you, Simon.

- Carol?

- I want to say some things to you.

- What?

- And then I want you to stay away

- from my daughter.

- Are you crazy?

Carol, I'm rehearsing here.

Do you have any idea what I'm

doing next week? I'm opening.

Having trouble remembering

your lines, Simon?

It's not surprising since... Why should

you be able to remember your lines

when you can't even remember your life?

What's that supposed to mean?

Do you remember what we were

doing the year before you and Asa

did Godot in New Jersey?

- We were doing a play.

- And Asa... what was Asa doing?

- Asa?

- Asa, my husband, your friend.

He was in the hospital.

And what were we doing, Simon?

- We?

- You and I.

- We were doing a play.

- And what else?

What else? I don't know what else.

- We were screwing, Simon.

- Okay.

That's what we were doing.

We were screwing.

Like rats or sailors.

Okay. We were just... I mean...

I don't know. It was...

the play was one night.

We were drunk and...

No, no. Eight times.

- Eight times?

- Eight times.

- You were counting?

- It's in my diary.

Carol, this was decades ago.

What are you talking about?

I mean, you know, the play was over.

Yes, and we never

spoke about it, did we?

- No.

- No.

And then I had the lovely

baby girl I always wanted.

And Asa and I were... we were all right.

Yes. It was a happy ending.

Except the lovely baby girl grew up

to be a rather eccentric creature.

A confused creature with

some troublesome traits.

You know, probably genetic.

You should talk to her

father about that.

- Bullshit.

- My God, you're dense.

- Bullshit.

- You're so dense.

You know, whenever people write about

what a brilliant observer you are,

I tend to laugh hysterically. Have you

never, never noticed the similarities?

- I don't believe you.

- I'll send you her DNA.

God. It's such a shame that...

King Lear died of a broken heart.

What do you mean?

Well, the ending could have been

so much more theatrical.

I knew you wouldn't have

the guts to do it yourself.

Good work.

Good work.

Simon, you okay?

Oh, yeah.

That was good.

Hello, this is Simon. Leave a message.

Simon?

Simon, are you li...

Oh, man.

I can't believe this.

They're waiting for the

freak to show up again.

Stop reading that. Seriously,

put it away. Those guys are jerks.

You're going to be amazing tomorrow.

Don't read those people.

And we, too...

I don't know the words.

I don't know the words.

- What are you doing?

- What do you mean what am I doing?

What's...

- What are you doing?

- I'm, like, five minutes late. Why are you mad?

This is... the car's been

waiting here for half an hour.

Oh, are you f***ing kidding me?

What'd you do with your hair?

I don't want to talk about it.

It doesn't matter.

- But it looks different.

- Yeah, well...

It's not easy for me to go shopping

for this kind of dress alone.

It's not easy for me to look into the mirror

and wonder if this is who I am now.

Oh. So you choose this time

to have an identity crisis.

- Yes.

- At this moment?

- Yes.

- Well, that's thoughtful of you.

Sybil Van Buren continues to express

disappointment with stage actor Simon Axler,

a friend, who, according to

Mrs. Van Buren, promised to help,

but never quite came through.

Mrs. Van Buren had accused her husband

of improper treatment of their daughter,

although she has never specified

what she meant by that.

She has said she won't

give any further comment

until she receives

a visit from Simon Axler.

Simon? Simon?

Simon, please tell us, do you think

you'll be able to pull off this comeback...

- ...after your emotional breakdown on stage?

- I got to get backstage. I'm sorry.

- What's your relationship with Sybil Van Buren?

- I got to get backstage.

How do you feel knowing that he may

be involved with another woman?

Repeatedly shown disregard

for anything I want.

What the hell do you mean by that?

- Are you asking for an example?

- Sure.

You brought that girl to my house.

Did you consult me?

What, I'm supposed to ask

for your permission now?

Why don't you just suck the fun and

spontaneity out of everyone's life?

Permission?

You didn't even ask me what I thought.

My opinion.

It's... the frustrating thing

is that I was so looking forward

to sharing my news with you.

That's... that's what's frustrating.

What news?

"What news"?

That's what I mean.

You know? That's what I...

You don't even remember.

Remember? I had a surprise.

What is it?

Forget it. I... I... I...

It's just not the right time.

What is it?

- I had my sperm tested.

- What the f***?

I can have a baby. I can have a child.

- Oh, my God.

- I can have a baby.

Are you kidding me?

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