The Hungover Games

(PHONE RINGING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

MAN:
Hello?

Tracey, its Bradley.

Bradley,

where the hell are you guys?

I am freaking out!

BRADLEY:
Listen.

We f***ed up.

What are you talking about?

Me and Doug are

about to get married

and I havent heard

from him in two days.

Things got

a little out of control

last night and we...

We lost Doug.

The wedding is in a few hours!

In Santa Barbara?

Yeah!

Thats not gonna happen.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Look, I know everyones

a little miffed

we couldnt do

Vegas this year,

but lm telling you,

Chief Loose Slots is

the next best thing.

I dont care

where we have my

bachelor party, guys.

All that matters

is that were

celebrating together.

And that we dont have AIDS.

Anyway, I bet

once you get inside,

its not so bad.

(BEEPS)

All right!

Hey, its cute.

I am honestly impressed

by how shitty this is.

You dont even

need a blacklight

to see all the stains.

Maybe thats yogurt.

Nah, it says right

here in the pamphlet,

it is semen.

Look, semen

or no semen,

the important thing

is that Doug

found his soulmate.

DOUG:
Thanks, man.

Tracey just completes in me,

you know?

Did you say,

Completes in you?

(GROANS)

You know,

that reminds

of the love shared

between Peeta

and Katniss in The...

lm gonna need you

to stop talking

about that book.

No, I will not stop

talking about a novel

that

blogcritics. Orglreviews said

was a page-turner.

Have you even read it?

Ld love to, man.

Its just hard

to find time

to enrol in 7th grade

and cut off my nuts.

Well then, maybe lll

find it hard to find time

to share my goodies.

Oh, nice.

What do you got in there?

Lve got all kinds

of fun stuff.

I have

Chernobyl potato vodka,

standard-issue roofies,

lve got Chinese

black tar heroin,

lve got drug mule

rectum-release opium,

and some plug-in

air fresheners.

How did that get in here?

All right.

You got any bath salts?

Tons.

Help yourself.

Lve also got skunk,

scoot, snap, flippers,

flappers, floppers,

uppers, downers,

and cyanide chewables.

Cyanide?

Poison is the best.

Hey! Those are my

fun-time candies!

No. Uh-uh.

Every time we go out,

we end up blacked out

and looking for somebody.

Vegas. Thailand.

My nephew Rubens Bar Mitzvah.

Whatever, we got him back

in time for the service.

Yeah, and then he puked

all over the Torah.

(CHUCKLES)

Classic.

No, not classic.

That is a holy document.

(GROANS)

All right,

lets just get Zach dressed

and head to the roof.

Dressed?

Small request, you guys.

Could somebody

scratch my nuts?

I respectfully decline.

Non-alcoholic beer?

I told you.

No risks tonight.

P*ssy!

Excuse me,

I was calling you a p*ssy.

All right.

Lets put our shitty

rehab beers up

and toast Doug and Tracey.

I never thought your

soulmate would have

an Adams apple and a penis,

but, hey,

lifes a journey, I guess.

Were happy for you, man.

Thanks, guys.

To Doug and Tracey.

BOTH:
To Doug and Tracey.

And

to a night

well never forget.

Those look really good.

Could you just

pour it in my cone?

(GROANS)

What the f***?

Oh, God.

(GROANING)

What?

Scuba guy on the ceiling.

That makes sense.

Watch out!

Jesus!

You stepped on my balls, dude.

Sorry.

Where the hell are we?

F*** if I know.

All I know is

I am hungover as

sh*t right now.

I think lm legally dead.

And my mouth tastes assy.

Please tell me I ate cheese.

I dont know.

My ass kind of hurts.

Oh, no!

Did I do cocaine?

Lm deathly

allergic to cocaine.

And lm allergic to gluten.

ED:
I hope

thats gluten-free.

Oh, no.

Did we kill Waldo

last night?

Um...

Maybe he was f***ed to death.

(GAGGING)

(IN SING-SONG VOICE)

Morning, fellas!

Oh, god damn it,

who let Zach out

of the straitjacket?

Is that a man-thong?

No, its a regular thong.

I wear them all the time.

Thats disgusting.

(GAGGING)

Okay, we need to find Doug

and get the hell out of here.

Somebody call him.

Wheres my phone?

Oh, holy sh*t.

Is this a rocket launcher?

BRADLEY:
Zach?

Dude!

Come on,

we have to find Doug.

But that was...

Oh, my. Gentlemen,

this is quite a mess.

Okay, this is awkward,

but lm just gonna

go ahead and ask,

maid or hooker?

Manners!

That is no way to speak

to your escort.

I always ask.

The answers always the same.

Its been real nice

talking to you,

but were just gonna go.

I wouldnt do that.

Okay.

(SCREAMING)

Were on a f***ing train?

I knew it!

That means

youre Effie Trinket!

No, my name is Effing.

And the three of you

are on your way to the Games.

We discussed this

all after your

courageous gesture.

EFFING:
Why dont you

look at your phone?

(CHATTER ON VIDEO)

F***ing Reaping,

b*tches!

ED:
Oh, thats my phone.

Let me see it.

Dougs trying

to kiss me again!

Doug, how you doing, buddy?

F***ing Reaping,

b*tches!

(ALL WHOOPING)

The first name

ofthe girl...

Why is Lady Gaga

on the screen?

And a happy Games goes to...

Change the channel!

... young Boo!

(BOOING)

And now for the boys.

I volunteer!

We volunteer for

the Hungover Games!

EFFING:

What a wonderful development!

Three ofour brave volunteers

to add to the race.

May the chances be

ever in your corner.

Attica! Attica!

Okay, okay.

Hey!

Oh!

(LAUGHING)

Okay.

Will you keep it down?

I can hardly

hear myself drink.

Haymitch!

Thats not my name,

you scruffy half-tard.

Its Justmitch.

Look,

lm enjoying all of this.

I really am.

Especially that

little blonde schoolgirl

situation youve got

going on right there.

But right now we

really just need to

find our friend

and be on our way.

The Sponsors will eat

that bromance sh*t up

with a spoon.

Speaking of which.

Okay, let me guess,

now youre gonna tell us

how to win the Games?

If you wanna live long enough

to find your

pansy little friend,

youd best learn

to listen to me.

If theres two things

I know, its hangovers

and murdering for sport.

And, hey,

if youre lucky enough,

one of yall might

get out of here alive.

Did you just say

one of us?

Mm-hmm.

Now if youll excuse me,

I gotta find a vein.

WOMAN ON TV:
You're watching

Capitol Sports.

Skip, its my favourite time

of the year.

The weather is warming,

the tig ol bitties

is coming out

and right now,

its time for

the Hungover Games!

A great competition

shaping up this year.

Contestants from

the Superheroes District

and the Middle Earth District

are once again

among the favourites.

The Puppet District

and the Depp District

are particularly intriguing to

Stephen A. Timplesmith.

Johnny Depp.

Is there any weirdo

this guy wont play?

Straight freak!

Next up, we have

The Real Housewives

ofDistrict 8.

Now these trashy b*tches

have about a 0% chance

of surviving the Games.

White girls!

Got me one at home.

Next up, weve got

the Django District.

Now Django is tough,

but lets get

this straight, Skip.

He will never be LeBron.

Now, on the Django team

we have famed

plantation owner,

Calvin Dandy.

Ironically,

hes a good friend of mine.

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