The Hungover Games Page #2

All right, next up

we have the Gratuitous

Nudity District.

Dizzamn!

Everybody knows

you cannot make

entertainment like this

without some inexplicable,

unwarranted nudity.

And finally our field

is rounded out

by our outlying districts.

AUTOMATED VOICE:

District 9, Avatar.

District 10, Horror.

District 11,

Katnip Everlean.

District 12,

The Hungover Guys.

Hey!

That looks like us

and Doug!

Look, weve got about

48 hours to find him

and get him back

to that wedding.

Okay.

I guess its time for us

to kill some motherfuckers.

(GIGGLES)

WOMAN:
All right, I need

three to run this drill.

Lets go!

I have the power!

Come on, c*nt.

Oh, foo.

Another year,

another murder.

What a crop

of freakazoids.

(GRUNTING)

Stop swinging that

in my face.

That is dangerous.

That is not a toy!

Zach, will you stop?

Youre making us

look like idiots.

No, Mr I Cant Even

Pick Up This Boulder.

(YELLING)

Youre making us look bad

in front of the Sponsors.

Why are they all

dressed like that?

Looks like a Lady Gaga

family reunion.

Look, you see that?

Our odds are

pretty shitty right now.

ED:
Hey, why do the puppets

have better odds than us?

Go ahead and cross

check your information.

Excuse me.

Sorry, I hate to bother you

with this,

but my friend is stuck.

World War Z, right?

No. Walking Dead, actually.

Oh, right, right.

You were the one that bit

that guys ear and then

ate his face off, right?

Guilty.

So who else came

from your district?

Just that crazy

blood-covered

b*tch over there.

She scares

the sh*t out of me.

I can see why.

Wow. Kaptain Kazakhstan

is really rocking

that burlap sack.

Look at the size of

those Oompa Loompas.

Youre welcome.

Thats quite

a bit of shrubbery

he has down there.

Can you say,

Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Listen.

Theyre looking at you

like youre a meal.

Especially that flamboyant

Scandinavian guy.

Ew.

He wants to

roll you in sugar

like a dick churro.

So what am I supposed to do?

They need to know

that you can take a punch.

What?

Yeah. Trust me.

Okay.

(GROANING)

(GIGGLING)

Okay, lm good.

All right, lm good.

The elbow didnt count.

Come on, come on.

Now, just remember,

this hurts you

more than it hurts me.

(GRUNTS)

(LAUGHING)

Why, dude? Why?

I dont know.

I forgot why

were even doing this.

(ED GROANING)

Lm pooped.

I want a vitamin water

or something.

Not bad.

That means I need

a vitamin water!

Okay, okay, lll get it!

Lll get

a vitamin water for you!

Not again.

(GRUNTING)

My right nut is numb.

I can take a hit, Zach.

I can give one, too.

You ready

for the thunder?

Well,

heres the lightning!

Oh, son of a hooker,

that hurt!

Hey, watch it!

Sorry, I didnt see anything,

I swear to God!

My elbow may have grazed...

Ed.

Hey...

Okay.

Uh...

How are you?

Hey...

Hi.

...you.

Oh.

You dont remember me.

Its Katnip.

Katnip Everlean.

Lm sorry. Its just

that last night, we...

You were wasted.

Yeah.

You guys bought us drinks

after the Reaping.

You said you were

going district-hopping,

and you up and left.

Jeez! You guys clearly have

a drinking problem!

Um, is that

a talking bird?

Lm a talking jay,

you birdbrain.

For a nerd,

youre pretty dumb.

Sorry. Hes really nice

once you get to know him.

Yeah, just ask your mom.

Thats rude.

Go away.

How are you feeling,

by the way?

Well, besides the

raging hangover,

the free-for-all

death match coming up,

and the sh*t taste

I cant get

out of my mouth,

lm actually doing great.

Hey, look,

its Dumb and Dumberer.

A talking jay.

So elegant.

Hey, get your mitts off me!

Whered you go to school,

Penn State?

Wow, okay, yeah.

Lm not even gonna

try to process

that right now.

Excuse me?

Lts Katnip, Bradley.

We met last night.

Yeah, Bradley.

Yeah, right, okay.

About last night,

do you have any

idea what happened

to our friend, Doug?

Uh...

(LAUGHING)

No. But I did wake up today

and I saw you all volunteered.

That was really brave of you.

That is one word for it.

No, seriously.

You guys were

talking about it so much

you inspired me to do it.

Thats why I took my

little sisters place.

That was stupid.

Sorry.

You have a little sister?

Is she into husky bearded guys

with low-level

personality disorders?

(YELLING)

Nice!

I like this girl.

That got more hand

than apple.

(BUZZER RINGS)

Attention,

battlers, battlers, battlers.

The training centre

is now closed.

It is time to die.

Make that work.

Thats my catchphrase,

you know.

Make that work.

WOMAN:
Hello?

A little help here?

AUTOMATED VOICE:

20, 19, 18,

17,

16,

15,

14...

Doug! Dougie!

Doug man!

Doug? Doug?

Doug!

Doug? Where are you, man?

Where the f*** is he?

Doug?

Doug?

Was that him?

Hey, sweetheart.

Looking for a white guy,

yea high, generic, unfunny,

really forgettable.

Was that him right now?

Come on,

talk to me.

Shes a goddamn

mute or something.

Man, f*** you, white boy.

What are you guys

doing here?

You need to get to

your tube room immediately.

Okay, you dont

have to manhandle me!

Oh, my tea!

You just got bubble tea

all over my control panel.

Get him out of here!

16,

15,

14,

13,

(LIFT CLANGS)

12...

Jeez, guys.

Portion control much?

9,

8,

7,

6,

5,

4,

3,

2,

1.

No, no, no!

Dont step off the platform,

well explode!

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

MAN OVER PA:
Now the

contestants line up

before the Pornucopia,

no doubt picking

out the weapons

they wanna grab.

Doug, Doug, come on, man.

Where are you?

He must be on the other side

of that tent full of...

What are those?

Sex weapons?

ED:
Where the f*** are we?

MAN:
This is

a great time to mention

that the weaponry

has been provided by

Delta Venus,

Queen ofthe Sex Toys.

(DRUMS POUNDING)

Let the killing begin!

Sh*t, come on!

Maybe we can find him

before he gets slaughtered.

I got this.

Yeah.

F***! My hammie!

I shouldve stretched!

Oh,

I shouldve stretched first!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah!

Holy cow. White wine!

I hate white wine!

Okay, barrel roll!

BRADLEY:
Sh*t, really?

Are you all right?

At least tell me

that looked awesome.

Yeah. Sure.

Oh, its a red man.

High five?

No? How about this?

You like?

Put penis away, kemosabe.

(ALL CHEERING)

Is that labia?

That is a bear!

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Wait, wait!

No, no, no!

Doug must have

come up right here!

Where is he?

F***!

Whoa!

Come on, man.

Come back here!

F***! And wheres Zach?

Well, hey there, boy.

Ow!

Goddamn women!

Dont mind if I do.

Now, now,

dont do nothing

foolish there, N-word.

I like the way you die, boy.

(SCREAMING)

Django's free!

Take that, black!

Dude!

You like baseball,

Jackie Robinson?

Oh!

TEDDY:
Sh*t!

Oh, thats cruel!

Hey, you thirsty?

Heres some tea!

Teabag!

Oh, thats nasty.

Thats real gross.

Bag, bag, bag!

Please stop.

Just please stop.

Wait,

you want some f***ing lemon?

Yeah, bag it up!

Come on!

Jesus!

I know that looked bad,

but, come on,

lets keep in mind

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