The Hunting Party Page #3

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You and Simon, you're onto a story.

Me and Simon are just hanging out.

I saw your girlfriend when she

came by the office two weeks ago.

She is hotter than hot.

You don't leave her in Greece to hang out.

You been listening to my conversations?

No.

No, it was, um...

No, the official term

is eavesdropping, all right?

Little sh*t.

Look, I know something's up, all right?

I want in on it.

Forget it. There's no story.

I went to Harvard, okay?

I know there's a story.

What is up with this Harvard sh*t?

You know, I dated a girl

from Harvard once,

and she wasn't so f***ing bright.

Look, my father is a cold,

mean son of a b*tch,

and he thinks I'm soft and weak

and not quite cut out for this type of work.

And there's no way on God's green earth

I'm going to prove that to him

by letting you get

a great story without me.

How do you know it's so great?

You're hanging out with a guy

who had a f***ing meltdown

on national television

and is a punch line in the business.

If it wasn't good, you wouldn't be doing it.

Look at you.

Little Mike-f***ing-Wallace.

Okay.

But Simon ain't going to like this.

Yeah?

Well, I ain't going to like Simon.

You see, his main bodyguard

is this psychopathic little f***

named Srdjan.

He had a real fondness

for raping and mutilating

these very young Muslim girls

as he was ethnically cleansing the villages.

- Jesus.

- Oh, that ain't the good part.

Sh*t, the good part,

Benjamin, is this Srdjan,

the guy in charge of protecting the Fox,

he's got this tattoo on his forehead

that reads in Cyrillic,

"I was dead the day I was born."

They teach that evil sh*t at Harvard?

Now, we are headed right into the heart

of this Balkan madness,

into Serb territory.

Republica Srpska.

It's a backward land

where they will kill you

for trying to hurt Boghanovic

as easily as somebody kills a mosquito.

The Fox is their god.

People protect their god.

Now, if you're still interested...

we leave in 20 minutes.

Let's go find us some war criminals.

Hey, Benjamin, you know what that is

that we're passing?

Yeah, it looks like, uh, a ski lift.

'84 Winter Olympics

was held right here in Sarajevo.

Eight years later, the Fox used this area

as a staging ground for his snipers.

Won the gold medal, triple lutz.

Best all around scumbag.

Are you going to be playing that damn thing

all the way to Montenegro?

Yep. Simon never liked

my guitar playing.

Really?

Can't say I do, either.

So it's going to be like that, huh?

All right. Very funny.

So what is your master plan?

You have a contact when we get to this town?

Nope. Never been up there before.

I'm just going to start knocking on doors.

You see that? Signs are in Cyrillic now.

We've entered Republica Srpska.

That quickly?

Ten minutes outside of Sarajevo,

and we're in the land

of milk and honey and rape and pillage.

- Are we going to be okay here?

- Who the hell knows?

But $5 million is $5 million,

and I'm not stopping.

$5 million?

Reward.

The rest is for you guys

to split as you please.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Reward?

You're not actually thinking

of capturing him, are you?

He may be thinking it,

but it ain't going to happen.

- Don't be so sure.

- Don't be so stupid.

After this interview's finished,

everything's in play, my friends.

Whoa. Hold on.

Duck, this is nuts.

You're not really supporting this, are you?

One time in Rwanda,

Simon decided he was going

to assassinate the leader of the Hutus

and end the war.

Three days later, he was in Morocco

getting a massage

from a hooker named Gladys.

Simon has his whims,

but this one I am not supporting.

This isn't a whim.

You know what this means to me.

Okay, we are journalists.

We can't do this.

It's... It's unethical and... and insane.

It would be a pleasure

to personally catch him.

By ourselves. By ourselves.

We don't even have any weapons.

If I gave you a gun,

would you know how to use it?

No.

Then what the f***

are you complaining about?

I told you.

The moment you start drinking

that Bosnian brandy,

the devil's sitting in the corner

just laughing.

Do we know any actual facts at all, guys?

My buddy at Newsweek says

he's so afraid of getting caught

that he's grown his hair out

and has a full Orthodox beard.

Funny. 'Cause I heard

he actually shaved his head.

He's bald as a turd.

Now, what we do know is that the Fox

drives in a convoy of orange cars.

All right?

So we should keep a lookout for them.

That's funny, Simon.

I heard he's traveling around

in a stolen UN de-mining vehicle.

Well then, we should keep

an eye out for that, too.

Yeah, that's great.

There's only a thousand

UN de-mining trucks in this country.

Why don't we stop each one?

"Hey, knock, knock.

Is the Fox in there? No?"

Okay, well, we should be done in,

what, say, 9 to 12 years.

One second he's pissing himself

'cause he's afraid we might

actually run into the Fox,

the next he's complaining

'cause we probably won't.

No, I'm not... I'm not complaining.

I'm mocking.

Wow.

The Doctor is not bald.

He is not desperate.

And he is not in Celibici.

He is everywhere.

He know everything.

He listens to everything you say.

And if you get close to the Fox,

if you corner him,

then even God can't help you.

What the f*** was that about?

A little warning.

Yeah? It seemed more like a threat.

Yeah. Beware of the nosy waiter

with Serbian pride.

Actually, it was the first time that I thought

that maybe Simon wasn't

jerking our chain.

Yeah? Why is that?

Because the guy in there said

that he's not in Celebici,

which means maybe

he actually is in Celebici.

Right.

Unless he's really not in Celebici.

Well, that's a possibility, too.

- Jeez!

- Holy sh*t!

Get down!

Hold on.

What in the f*** was that about, man?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

We're going to die.

Every single person out here

knows exactly what we're doing.

Keep your panties dry, Benjamin.

- It had nothing to do with the Fox.

- What the hell do you mean?

It's just a little local tradition

to shoot at every customer?

Wait a minute.

Is that my money?

You mean the money I left on the table?

That's mine?

- Simon!

- Times are tight.

- Things happen. Sue me.

- Wait, wait, wait.

You stole the money

that was left for the bill?

- I needed it more.

- Okay, you got us shot at for 20 bucks.

I didn't know he was going

to shoot at us.

Unbelievable!

Much gunplay when you and Franklin

do your stories about

the president's new tax code?

- F*** off.

- Come on, Duckie.

You enjoyed it, didn't you?

A little taste of what you left behind?

Don't say you didn't.

That pile of rubble used to be a mosque.

Now the town's

a hundred percent Bosnian Serb.

No Muslims left.

Ethnically cleansed for your protection.

Nice vibe, right?

There's a reason they say

the river runs red in Foca...

and it ain't because of the wine.

What does the Cyrillic say?

It says, "Don't touch him."

- Wait. Where are you going?

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