The Ice Harvest Page #2

It's God's birthday.

Well, hello there, Councilman.

So, Dennis, you're saying

you haven't seen Charlie, huh?

Charlie? No.

Why do you ask?

How about Vic Cavanaugh?

You seen him?

Dude, I don't do henchmen,

man. I do strippers.

Hey, Frankie.

Is Vic around?

He's sitting over there.

Let me get you a drink.

Thanks.

Victor.

You know, us being seen

together, tonight of all nights...

is probably not so smart.

I would have called...

but I had

a bit of a situation.

So, guess who's

over at the Tease.

Roy Gelles.

I just spoke to him.

You just spoke to him?

Yeah, I spoke to him.

Come on, man. What the

f***... What did he say?

What's wrong with you? He just

called to wish me a merry Christmas.

Well, what

did you say?

Well, I wished him

a merry Christmas.

What did he say?

What the hell

are you so worried about?

Vic, I sue people

for a living.

You sell them pornography.

Roy hurts people.

He makes it so their knees and

elbows bend in both directions.

That worries me.

Let me ask you something.

Did I make a mistake when I

made you my partner in this deal?

Hey! You didn't make me your partner.

I am the one who showed you...

how to steal $2 million worth

of Bill Guerrard's money.

Then I showed you how to do it so

he wouldn't know what you'd done...

till it was too late.

What we've done, okay?

Remember that.

What we've done.

And here's the thing

about what we've done.

Mr. Arglist?

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Left to yourself, you'd

still be on a barstool...

thinking about

how it could be done...

if somebody had the balls

to do it. Which is me.

Don't poke, Vic, okay?

I get it.

Hello.

Yeah.

I know that.

I know that.

I know that, too.

All right,

I gotta get out of here.

So, I'll meet you

at the Velvet Touch at 1:00.

Just like we planned,

all right? Who was that?

Not that it's any

of your f***ing business.

That was my wife.

Thank you.

Thank you, sweetie.

The lovely Gladys, of whom you've

heard me speak over the years...

with tenderness

and affection.

She was wondering

if I'm gonna be home...

in time for midnight worship.

I thought that's who you were...

Oh, having dinner with? No, no.

See, Gladys is

on the Subway Diet.

She has a couple of foot-longs

at lunch, couple at dinner.

Buys her clothes

from Omar the Tentmaker.

But perhaps I'm being unkind.

Anyway, let me out of here.

Hey, Vic.

Yeah?

If you wouldn't mind, you know,

in case we get separated...

tell me where the money is.

Excuse me, Mr. Arglist.

That's hilarious.

He's something else.

Yeah.

Mr. Arglist, I wonder

if I might have a word?

Sure. Vic!

Mr. Arglist, I'm sorry to bother you.

I believe

you can help us.

Peter Van Heuten is a

friend of yours, right?

Yes.

He's in no shape to drive...

Charlie f***ing Arglist!

Yo ho ho, mo-fo!

What are you doing here, man?

Hiya, Pete.

Merry Christmas!

It's good to see you!

Good to see you!

What are you doing here, man?

The real people are in there.

Let's go in here.

Everybody, I want you to meet...

Listen up, a friend of mine...

This is Charlie Arglist, the

most talented and handsome...

mob lawyer in all of Kansas.

I really wish you

wouldn't do that. Come on.

Come on. That was Vic Cavanaugh you

were hanging out with back there.

So what? Hey, let me ask you a question.

Is it true that one time...

he cut the hand off of somebody

who stuck their fingers...

up the twazzallah of a

dancer over at Tease-O-Rama?

Look around at the bar.

Do you see a lot

of one-armed men in here?

Because if they chopped off

the hand...

of every guy who tried

that with a stripper...

half the men in Wichita

would be wearing hooks.

Are you trying to tell me that these

are just normal guys you work for?

What are you doing here?

Trying to get my ashes hauled,

like everybody else!

NoI, Joyeux NoI!

It's all right.

He's drunk.

Sarabeth isn't performing

that function anymore?

Did she do that

for you oftentimes...

throughout your saga?

Occasionally. Not very often. Mmm-hmm.

Is she still wearing

flannel to bed?

Silly me.

I thought, until I met

and married Sarabeth...

that it was

only little children...

who wore those things with

the feet sewn on the bottom.

You could have warned me

about that.

And I'm actually

being kind of serious here.

I tried to, Pete.

I really did.

Yeah, bullshit. I was the end

of your alimony problem.

That's what I was.

Like hell. You were in love.

With my wife.

Love.

Someday somebody is going

to tally up the cost...

of that particular illusion.

Hey.

Yeah?

Did you ever go and...

The strippers?

Yeah, occasionally.

Yeah?

Yeah, sure.

When I'm really desperate...

or completely sh*t-faced, or

generally have my head up my ass.

I'm all those three things

right now, baby. Let's go!

So how you doing

otherwise, buddy?

Great. Great. Really great.

Drawing a lot of buildings.

Making a f***ing fortune.

Well, listen.

I gotta make a phone call.

If you just hold down

the fort here and remain calm.

Remain calm.

Big mob lawyer.

Sweet Cage.

Sidney, is Renata back yet?

No. She just called.

Said she's on her way.

All right, listen...

when she gets back, you tell

her I have that present...

that I mentioned for her

earlier and not to leave.

Okay? Bye.

Mr. Arglist.

Councilman.

I wonder if we might

have a quiet word.

Actually, I'm kind of...

Would you be good enough to deliver

a message from me to Mr. Guerrard?

Wichita is a community

of good people, Mr. Arglist.

Christian people.

Yeah, half of them are in this

very bar trying to get laid.

That may well be. But my

point is, some time ago...

in a moment of weakness,

I did a very foolish thing.

And that foolish thing

was photographed.

I believe that photo is in the

possession of a Mr. Vic Cavanaugh...

an associate of yours,

who refuses to surrender it...

despite several generous

offers for its purchase...

the last of which,

delivered not 10 minutes ago.

People can be stubborn.

Do you think Mr. Guerrard would be

able to persuade Mr. Cavanaugh...

Oh.

...to reconsider if he understood

his own interests in the matter?

Well, Mr. Guerrard is one of

the most persuasive men I know.

What kind of figures

are we talking about here?

Are we talking about four?

Five? Six?

Five, Mr. Arglist.

Low five.

Councilman, I think

the photo in question...

might be closer than

you can possibly imagine.

You've given me hope, Mr.

Arglist. Merry Christmas.

Wonderful season, isn't it? So

full of mutual understanding.

Yeah.

You gotta know the whole

culture is in the toilet...

if a guy dressed like that can

get laid in a place like this.

Hey, you're flipping off the

mob here, just so you know.

Did I mention to you that I

really wish you wouldn't do that?

Yeah.

M- O-B, mob. Okay?

All right, let's go.

Right back at you, huh?

And there, that one, too.

There, see?

That's my chair in there.

You wanna know the truth?

I can't fill it.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes