The Ice Harvest Page #3

Neither could I, if it

makes you feel any better.

Listen, Charlie.

Before we go in, there's

something I have to tell you.

It's been on my conscience, and

you can punch me if you want to.

I don't think

I'm gonna want to.

Back when you and Sarabeth were

still married that last year...

Uh-huh.

...she and I

were f***ing.

No kidding?

Like minks. Everywhere.

Kitchen table, your bed, garage.

Wow.

Jesus, Charlie,

we were friends.

It doesn't make you angry?

Actually, it makes me curious.

Makes me wonder

who she's f***ing now.

Yo ho ho!

Merry f***ing Christmas!

Guess who I brought with me?

Ghost of Christmas Past.

Ooh.

Marley!

Get the f*** in here.

Hey, everybody.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Hello, Charlie.

Come in

and have a piece of pie.

Hi, Dottie.

No, thank you. I'm fine.

I just wanted to stop in and

wish you all a very merry...

Screw the pie, you old harpy.

We're here for dinner.

Turkey, cranberry,

stuffing, the works!

Thanks. Yeah.

Yeah. Motherf***er.

Yeah.

Turkey-alurkey.

Pathetic.

What did you say, Stan?

You two are pathetic.

Makes me ashamed to be a man.

I'm pathetic?

I'm pathetic?

Who paid for that

hip replacement...

your insurance company

wouldn't cover, huh?

Dad, tell me that!

And who took care of your mortgage

payments when you were recuperating?

And when you're

done with that...

maybe you could

explain to me who it was...

raised his only daughter...

to be a cold, gossiping,

hypocritical b*tch!

So, Spence, how you doing?

Go to hell.

Don't you talk

to your father that way.

He's not my father. He didn't

even send us presents this year.

I hate his guts.

Is that right, Charlie?

You didn't even send them

any Christmas presents?

No.

Christmas is tomorrow.

Guess what, Daddy?

I was in the Christmas play.

So what?

All you were was Tiny Tim's sister,

and you didn't even have any lines!

And he didn't even

come to watch!

He would have, but Mommy

didn't send an invitation!

I'm sorry, Charlie,

but maybe you should go now.

And perhaps you would give

Pete a ride home?

Sarabeth and the children

will be staying here tonight.

Okay.

Yeah.

Listen, sweetie,

I'm gonna go...

and I'm gonna come back and

visit you tomorrow, all right?

Don't believe him, Melissa. He's

lying. All he ever does is lie.

Shut up!

Merry Christmas, Charlie.

On the whole,

I thought that went well.

Yeah, it's good

to see the family.

What do you say, one more

drink? The night is young.

All right, one more,

that's it. Okay. One more.

Melissa really misses you.

Not Spencer. He hates me.

You just gotta give him time.

He'll come around.

Your leaving came

at an awkward age for him.

A clean break is best.

No, a clean break is easiest.

On you.

Oh.

Are you saying

you have no regrets?

Don't believe in them.

Bullshit.

Everybody has regrets.

Guys our age,

what else is there?

I ever tell you

my father was a twin?

Identical?

Fraternal.

Looked a lot alike, though,

him and my uncle.

Different temperaments

completely.

My father, he's a cop.

By-the-book guy.

Believed in the law. Wanted

his only son to be a lawyer.

Drank in moderation,

didn't smoke.

Kept up his

life insurance premiums.

Voted in every election,

not just for president.

Let me guess.

Uncle didn't vote.

He said he didn't want

to encourage the bastards.

In and out of jail

from the time he was 16...

drunk all the time,

f***ed everything that walked.

Won a fortune playing poker,

lost it all the same way.

Lost an eye in a fight.

Half his life...

So what you're trying to say

is, you take after your uncle.

I wasn't finished.

My father was 54...

when he died of a massive

embolism, right here in Wichita.

My uncle

died the very next day...

in a car wreck in California.

So the point is...

it is futile to regret.

You do one thing,

you do another...

I mean, so what?

What's the difference?

Same result.

How many of these lights

you gonna sit through?

See if I tell you

another f***ing story.

Sorry, guys, we're closed.

We just want one drink.

Each.

My friend's a mobster. You

might know that, you might not.

I'll tell you what. I'll

give you one, on the house...

if you drink it up and leave.

But I'm not opening

my register back up.

Thank you, gorgeous.

Do you know where this last

drink is going to take me?

To that perfect stage

of drunkenness.

And then, do you know

what I'm going to do?

I'm going to go straight home,

go to bed, and dream of you.

I don't think I'd pursue

that particular line.

You with him?

Yeah.

Makes no difference.

It's okay.

It's a free country.

And any man can dream

anything he wants to dream.

And tonight

I'm gonna dream of you.

All right, I gotta make a

phone call. I'll be right back.

Okay, behave yourself.

Sweet Cage.

Sidney, is Renata back yet?

No. Not yet.

But you won't believe

who just walked in.

Roy Gelles? No. Forget

Roy Gelles, will you?

That f***ing guitar player.

The one who gave Rusti

the black eye.

What's going on?

I swear to God...

if he gives Rusti any trouble, I'm

gonna break his f***ing fingers.

What's your name,

jock strap?

Which hand should I break?

I don't have the answer

to that question, Sidney.

Listen, when Renata gets

back in, just tell her...

I know.

You got a present for her.

I hope you don't think she's

gonna f*** you, Charlie.

Think it's out of the

question? Absolutely.

Merry Christmas, Sidney.

Yeah.

Merry Christmas, Charlie.

Would you like to know what

you're going to be wearing...

in my little dream?

Disregard him.

Hmm.

That fish necklace,

and that's it.

Completely disregard him

tonight. He's drunk.

Except for that necklace, you're

gonna be one naked little Christian.

Pete, not that you're asking

for my advice...

but, listen, I would shut

the f*** up right now.

Yeah.

Hey. Sporty Nuts.

Pete.

If you don't get laid tonight,

fish necklace or no...

it's 'cause

you're not trying, my son.

Pete, I hope you're

listening to me.

And if you play

your cards right...

this hot-assed

little Jesus freak...

just might initiate you into the

Campus Crusade for Cunnilingus.

Do you notice that I am practicing

non-violent resistance...

in honor

of the Christmas holiday?

Because that's the way...

baby Jesus

would have wanted me to do it.

That was unpleasant.

I think I scraped my tummy.

Hmm.

Oh, my nuts.

I got it. I got it.

You sure?

I got it.

Oh, f***.

Jesus Christ, Pete, you had

the whole goddamn parking lot.

Why did you have

to throw up in the car?

I think that boy drove one of my

testicles up into my body cavity.

Are you sure?

I don't know

where else it could be.

Okay, bounce me.

Again, again.

Now, three times fast.

Three times fast!

If you're trying to shake the

money out of his pockets...

you gotta turn him

upside down first.

Right.

Think that did it.

One, two. Yup.

We did it.

You have a good night,

Mr. Arglist.

Good night, now.

Take me home, buddy.

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