The Importance of Being Earnest Page #9

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get on my cuffs.

One should always eat muffins quite

calmly. It's the only way to eat them.

I say it's perfectly heartless

to be eating them at all.

When I'm in trouble, eating

is the only thing that consoles me.

They are eating muffins!

Algy, I wish to goodness you would go.

But I've just made arrangements

with Dr. Chasuble...

to be christened at 6:00

under the name of Ernest.

My dear fellow, I've made arrangements

with Dr. Chasuble myself...

to be christened at 5:30, and I

naturally will take the name of Ernest.

I have a perfect right

to be christened if I like.

There's no evidence that

I was ever christened by anyone.

It's entirely different with you.

You've been christened already.

- Yes, but I haven't been

christened for years.

- Yes, but you have been christened.

- That is the important thing.

- Quite so. So I know

my constitution can stand it.

It might make you very unwell.

You can hardly have forgotten someone

very closely connected with you...

was nearly carried off in Paris

this week by a severe chill.

You talk as if a severe chill

were hereditary.

Well, it usen't to be, I know,

but it may be now.

Science is always making

wonderful improvements in things.

- They are looking this way.

- What effrontery!

- They are approaching!

- That is very forward of them.

Let us preserve a dignified silence.

Certainly.

It is the only thing to do now.

Mr. Worthing, I have something

very particular to ask you.

Much depends on your reply.

Your common sense

is invaluable, Gwendolen.

Mr. Moncrieff, kindly answer me

the following question.

Why did you pretend

to be my guardian's brother?

In order that I might

have an opportunity of meeting you.

That certainly seems

a satisfactory explanation, does it not?

Yes, dear, if you can believe him.

Mr. Worthing, what explanation

can you offer me...

for pretending to have a brother?

Was it in order that you might have

an opportunity...

of coming up to town

to see me as often as possible?

Can you doubt it, Miss Fairfax?

I have the gravest doubts

on the subject,

but I intend to crush them.

Their explanations appear to me

to have the stamp of truth on them.

Especially Mr. Worthing's.

I am more than content

with what Mr. Moncrieff has said.

His voice alone inspires one

with absolute credulity.

- Then you think we should forgive them?

- Yes.

I mean, no.

True, I had forgotten.

There are principles at stake

that one cannot surrender.

Which of us should tell them?

The task is not a pleasant one.

- Could we not both speak

at the same time?

- An excellent idea.

I nearly always speak

at the same time as other people.

Will you take the time from me?

Your Christian names are still

an insuperable barrier. That is all.

Our Christian names? Is that all?

But we're going to be

christened this afternoon.

For my sake you are prepared

to do this terrible thing?

I am.

To please me you are ready

to face this fearful ordeal?

I am.

How absurd to talk of

the equality of the sexes.

Where questions of self-sacrifice

are concerned,

men are infinitely beyond us.

We are.

Darling!

Gwendolen!

What does this mean?

Merely that I am engaged

to Mr. Worthing, Mama.

Come here. Sit down.

Sit down, immediately!

Mr. Worthing,

you will clearly understand...

that all communication between

yourself and my daughter...

must cease immediately

from this moment.

On this, as indeed on all points,

I am firm.

I am engaged to be married

to Gwendolen, Lady Bracknell.

You are nothing of the kind, sir.

And now, as regards Algernon.

- Algernon!

- Yes, Aunt Augusta?

May I ask if it is in this house...

that your invalid friend,

Mr. Bunbury, resides?

Oh, no. Bunbury doesn't live here.

Bunbury is somewhere else at present.

In fact, Bunbury is dead.

Dead? When did Mr. Bunbury die?

Oh, I killed Bunbury this afternoon.

I mean, Bunbury died this afternoon.

What did he die of?

Bunbury?

Oh, he was quite exploded.

Exploded?

Was he a victim

of a revolutionary outrage?

My dear Aunt Augusta,

I mean, he was found out.

The doctors found out that

Bunbury could not live.

- That is what I mean. So Bunbury died.

- Hmm.

And now that we have

finally got rid of this Mr. Bunbury,

may I ask Mr. Worthing

who is that young person...

whose hand

my nephew Algernon is holding...

in what appears to me to be

a peculiarly unnecessary manner?

That lady

is Miss Cecily Cardew, my ward.

I am engaged to be married

to Cecily, Aunt Augusta.

I beg your pardon?

Mr. Moncrieff and I are engaged

to be married, Lady Bracknell.

Indeed? I think some preliminary inquiry

on my part would not be out of place.

Mr. Worthing,

is Miss Cardew at all connected...

with any of the larger

railway stations in London?

I merely require information.

Until yesterday, I had no idea...

there were any families or persons

whose origin was a terminus.

Miss Cardew is the granddaughter

of the late Mr. Thomas Cardew...

of 149 Belgrave Square,

Southwest, Gervase Park,

Dorking, Surrey

and the Sperran Fifeshire.

That sounds not unsatisfactory.

Three addresses always inspire

confidence, even in tradesmen.

But what proof have I

of their authenticity?

I have carefully preserved

the Court Guides of the period.

They are open for your inspection,

Lady Bracknell.

I have known strange errors

in that publication.

Miss Cardew's family's solicitors

are Messrs. Markby, Markby and Markby.

Oh, Markby, Markby and Markby.

A firm of the very highest position

in their profession.

I have also in my possession,

you will be pleased to hear,

certificates of Miss Cardew's

birth, baptism, whooping cough,

registration, vaccination,

confirmation and the measles...

the German and the English variety.

A life crowded with incident, I see.

But somewhat too exciting

for a young girl.

- Gwendolen, the time approaches

for our departure.

We have not a moment to lose.

As a matter of form, Mr. Worthing,

I had better ask if Miss Cardew

has any little fortune.

Oh, only about 130,000 pounds

in the Funds. That is all.

Good-bye, Lady Bracknell.

So pleased to have seen you.

One moment, Mr. Worthing.

Miss Cardew seems a most attractive

young lady now that I look at her.

Few girls of the present day

have any really solid qualities...

qualities that last

and improve with time.

We live, I regret to say,

in an age of surfaces.

Come over here, dear.

Pretty child.

Your dress is sadly simple...

and your hair seems almost

as nature might have left it.

But we can soon alter that.

A thoroughly experienced

French maid...

produces a really remarkable result

in a very brief space of time.

There are distinct social possibilities

in your profile.

Cecily is the dearest, sweetest,

prettiest girl in the world.

And I don't care two pins

for social possibilities.

Never speak disrespectfully

of society, Algernon.

Only people who can't

get into it do that.

I suppose you know

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