The Importance of Being Earnest Page #8

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why I should make

a secret of it to you.

Our little county newspaper

is sure to chronicle the fact next week.

Mr. Ernest Worthing

and I are engaged to be married.

My darling Cecily,

I think there must be some slight error.

Mr. Ernest Worthing is engaged to me.

The announcement will appear

in the Morning Post...

on Saturday at the latest.

I am afraid you must be

under some misconception.

Ernest proposed to me

exactly ten minutes ago.

It is certainly very curious,

for he asked me to be his wife

yesterday afternoon at 5:30.

If you would care

to verify the incident, pray do so.

I never travel without my diary.

One should always have something

sensational to read in the train.

I am so sorry, dearest Cecily,

if it is any disappointment to you.

But I'm afraid

I have the prior claim.

It would distress me

more than I can say, dearest Gwendolen,

if it caused you

any mental or physical anguish,

but I feel bound to point out

that since Ernest proposed to you,

he has clearly changed his mind.

If the poor fellow has been entrapped

into any foolish promise,

I shall consider it my duty

to rescue him at once...

and with a firm hand.

Whatever unfortunate entanglement

my dear boy may have got himself into,

I will never reproach him with it

after we are married.

Do you allude to me, Miss Cardew,

as an entanglement?

You are presumptuous.

On an occasion of this kind,

it becomes more than a moral duty

to speak one's mind.

It becomes a pleasure.

Do you suggest, Miss Fairfax,

that I entrapped Ernest

into an engagement?

How dare you!

This is no time for wearing

the shallow mask of manners.

When I see a spade,

I call it a spade.

I am glad to say

I have never seen a spade.

It is obvious that our social spheres

have been widely different.

Shall I lay tea here as usual, miss?

Yes, as usual.

Are there many interesting walks

in the vicinity, Miss Cardew?

Oh, yes, a great many.

From the top of one of the hills,

quite close, one can see five counties.

Five counties?

Oh, I don't think I should like that.

I hate crowds.

I suppose that is why

you live in a town.

I had no idea

there were any flowers in the country.

Oh, flowers are as common here,

Miss Fairfax,

as people are in London.

May I offer you some tea?

Thank you.

Sugar?

No, thank you.

Sugar is not fashionable anymore.

Cake... or bread and butter?

Bread and butter, please.

Thank you.

Cake is rarely seen

in the best houses nowadays.

Hand that... to Miss Fairfax.

You have filled my tea

with lumps of sugar.

And though I most distinctly

asked for bread and butter,

you have given me cake.

I am known for the gentleness

of my disposition...

and extraordinary sweetness

of my nature.

But I warn you, Miss Cardew,

you may go too far.

To save my poor, innocent,

trusting boy...

from the machinations

of any other girl,

there are no lengths

to which I would not go.

From the moment I saw you,

I distrusted you.

I felt that you were

false and deceitful.

I'm never deceived in such matters.

My first impressions of people

are invariably right.

It seems to me, Miss Fairfax, that

I am trespassing on your valuable time.

No doubt you have many other calls

of a similar character...

to make in the neighborhood.

Gwendolen!

My own Ernest.

- Gwendolen, darling.

- A moment.

May I ask if you are engaged

to be married to this young lady?

What, to dear little Cecily?

Good heavens, no.

What could have put such an idea

into your pretty little head?

Thank you. You may.

I knew there must be

some misunderstanding, Miss Fairfax.

The gentleman whose arm

is at present around your waist...

is my dear guardian,

Mr. John Worthing.

- I beg your pardon?

- This is Uncle Jack.

- Jack? Oh.

- Cecily?

- Here is Ernest.

- My own love.

A moment.

Are you by any chance engaged

to be married to this young lady?

To what young lady?

Good heavens! Gwendolen.

Yes, to good heavens Gwendolen.

I mean, Gwendolen.

Of course not.

What could have put such an idea

into your pretty little head?

Thank you. You may.

I felt there must be

some slight error, Miss Cardew.

The gentleman

who is now embracing you...

is my cousin,

Mr. Algernon Moncrieff.

Algernon Moncrieff?

Are you called Algernon?

- I cannot deny it.

- Oh!

Is your name really John?

Well, I could deny it if I liked.

I could deny anything if I liked.

But my name certainly is John.

A gross deception

has been practiced on both of us.

My poor, wounded Cecily.

My sweet, wronged Gwendolen.

You will call me sister, will you not?

There is just one question I would like

to be allowed to ask my guardian.

An admirable idea. Mr. Worthing,

there is just one question...

I would like to be permitted

to put to you.

Where is your brother Ernest?

We are both engaged to be married

to your brother Ernest,

so it is a matter of some importance

to us to know...

where your brother Ernest is

at present.

Gwendolen and Cecily,

I will tell you quite frankly...

that I have no brother Ernest.

- I have no brother at all.

- No brother at all?

None.

Have you never had

a brother of any kind?

Never, not even of any kind.

I am afraid it is quite clear, Cecily,

that neither of us is engaged

to be married to anyone.

It is not a very pleasant position...

for a young girl suddenly

to find herself in, is it?

Let us go into the house.

They will hardly venture

to come after us there.

No. Men are such cowards,

aren't they?

This ghastly state of affairs is what

you would call Bunburying, I suppose?

Yes, the most wonderful Bunbury

I ever had in my life.

Well, the only small satisfaction

I get out of the whole

of this wretched business...

is that your friend Bunbury,

dear Algy, is quite exploded,

and a very good thing too.

Your brother is a little off-color,

isn't he, dear Jack?

And not a bad thing either.

As for your deceiving a sweet, simple,

innocent girl like Miss Cardew,

I can only say that it...

It's inexcusable.

To say nothing of the fact

that she is my ward.

I can see no possible defense at all

for your deceiving a clever, experienced

young lady like Miss Fairfax.

To say nothing of the fact

that she is my cousin.

I simply wanted to be engaged

to Gwendolen, that is all. I love her.

Well, I simply wanted to be engaged

to Cecily. I adore her.

There is certainly no chance

of your marrying Miss Cardew.

I don't think there is

much likelihood, Jack,

of you and Miss Fairfax being united.

Guard!

Will you be good enough

to inform me...

how soon this railway train

arrives at Woolton?

Now, let me see.

There's Gothrington...

no, we've passed her.

Then there's Goostrey Halt, Sopley,

Cobbler's Corner, Combe Brissett,

High Totten, Low Totten,

Little...

How you can sit there

calmly eating muffins...

when we're in this terrible trouble,

I can't imagine.

You seem to be perfectly heartless.

I can't eat muffins

in an agitated manner.

The butter would probably

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