The Impostors Page #2

That's what I thought!

Oh, how it grieves me...

to see a man

living the life of a dog...

and treated worse than a dog

by a bourgeois pig!

You don't even know

this gentleman.

Oh, I know him! I knew them all!

Puppeteers. And you, the poor,

sweaty, blue-collared bumpkin...

at the end of their strings.

What a fool you are!

- I am not a fool!

- Yes, you are!

You shouldn't talk

to that gentleman this way.

You like the cream puffs.

I don't like the cream puffs.

F*** the cream puffs!

This man

is a slave and an idiot!

- Get out of here!

- What?

Get out of my shop!

I'll handle this.

You've really said quite enough.

I think we've heard

quite enough from you.

Begone!

Sir, how can I repay you?

Please. I did nothing.

I insist. You came to my aid.

Well...

perhaps a cream puff?

No, no. You don't like them.

- Well...

- I have something even better.

Two tickets

to the theater tonight...

to see the great

Jeremy Burtom as Hamlet.

Please,

take them with my gratitude.

Tickets to see Jeremy Burtom?

- That's what he gave you?

- That's correct.

Out of anything in

the shop, he gives you tickets?

Yes.

Why didn't he

just stab you in the heart?

You tell me, Arthy.

Burtom is the worst

actor on the face of the earth.

Yup.

That man is unwatchable.

Yup.

You couldn't pay me

to go see that guy's Hamlet.

I wanted to see how bad

he really was.

I hear he makes a real fool

out of himself.

You always learn

from other people's mistakes.

Oh, yes.

- Right?

- Please.

- Look at this crowd.

- Unbelievable.

- I'll never understand it.

- It's criminal.

Hey.

Mike's in this.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Good for him. Good for Mike.

- Great for Mike.

- Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Shh!

Someone's

put on a little weight.

I hope

they reinforced the stage.

My God.

And now

my cousin Hamlet and my son.

Hamlet, why seems

it so particular with thee?

Seems, madam?

Nay, it is. I know not... seems...

'Tis not alone my inky cloak,

good mother...

nor the customary suits

of solemn black...

nor the dejected 'havior

of the visage...

together with all forms...

moods, shapes of grief...

that can denote me truly.

These indeed seem...

for they are actions

that a man might play.

But I...

have that within...

which passes show.

These...

but the trappings

and the suits...

of woe.

Who is it?

Intermission's almost over, sir.

Places for act two.

Places for act two.

Ow!

Come for the third,

Laertes. You do but dally.

- Who choreographed this?

- I don't know. It's so sloppy.

It's a mess.

Crazy boy!

Aah! You crazy boy!

Aah!

What was that part?

I don't know.

Come on.

Aah!

What the hell's he doing?

Drunken son of a b*tch.

Ladies and gentlemen...

it appears an actor,

having missed a parry...

upset by his mistake,

has vacated the stage.

Therefore,

with your kind permission...

we will lower the curtain...

and regroup, as it were...

and then complete this...

the greatest of all

of Mr. Shakespeare's plays.

I thank you.

The man is vicious.

Wednesday, he stuck me...

right there.

Where?

Right in the rib.

Gertrude?

Almost killed her with a goblet.

He's done it before?

Oh, God. That's sick.

That's just sick.

Sick.

You let me at him.

You know what really

burns me up?

What really gets my goat...

is that Mike had

such a great death coming up...

and he was cheated.

He was cheated, right?

That's the...

Yeah, but, you know...

You want to know?

You want to know what I'd do

in that situation?

- What?

- I'd stop, center stage.

I'd turn. I'd wait for quiet.

He's saying

what he would do if he was you.

- Tonight.

- I know.

What you have just seen...

ladies and gentlemen...

is unprofessional behavior

of an overrated...

undertalented, drunken hack...

named Jeremy Burtom.

He has blustered his way

to success...

on the backs of the great

supporting players for too long!

And it's time for us

to make a stand and say no!

No, Burtom! Begone!

It is time for us to say,

no, boozy boy!

Bye-bye, Burtom bad boy!

Hefty boy!

Boozy, boozy boy!

Greasy boy! Saggy, farty boy!

Poke you!

I poke you! I poke you!

Something like that.

Daah!

- Aah!

- Aah!

Come on! Come back here!

- Ooh!

- Come back!

Come back here! Ooh!

Stop them! Stop them!

They're trying to kill a genius!

There they go.

- Too small.

- What?

- Too small.

- No.

- No, no, no, don't move.

- Too small.

Claustrophobia!

Please.

- How about over there?

- I checked over there already.

Did you check the other side?

Shh!

- What's that noise?

- You hear that?

I don't hear nothing.

You fart?

Shh. Please.

All right, come on. Let's go.

Hey.

- Arthy.

- Ooh.

OK. Come on.

Go slow.

What are you doing?

Oh, God. We're outlaws.

Let's get out of here.

The place is crawling with cops.

I know, I know.

I have an idea. Come on.

Ladies.

One-ten, Oceano.

Why are we standing around,

please?

These go to stateroom 40,

and that goes to 15.

Thanks, girls.

So, Lily,

everything is in order?

- Yes, Meistrich.

- Good.

You are so good

at what you do, Lily.

Thank you.

So good.

Thanks, Meistrich.

So sweet.

Thanks.

So...

Oh, Lily.

When I'm with you, I feel

like a young schoolboy again...

full of hope and wonder...

like a young bud in springtime

waiting to blossom.

- Well...

- Your face...

Your hands...

Your beautiful,

snow-white hands.

Lil, Lil, Lil, Lily, ly

Lily, Lil, Lil, Lil...

Marco.

Hi. Um, excuse me.

Hi, Meistrich. Could I talk

to you for a second?

- Actually, no.

- Please, Meistrich.

Just one minute.

- Hi, Marco.

- Hey.

How are you?

You look so handsome.

Thank you.

Did you get my flowers?

Yes. I was hoping

they were from you.

- There was no card.

- Oh.

No. I wanted to talk

to you in person...

because, Lily...

I just wanted

to tell you that...

w...

But I wanted to tell you that...

Ohh! Aah!

Why don't you watch

what you're doing, hmm?

Make a mistake like that

next time...

and I'll chop off your hands and

let you drown in your own blood!

Are you two finished

with your little tete-a-tete?

Because there is work to do.

If we don't work,

we'll lose our jobs, yes?

Yes. Right away, Meistrich.

Good-bye, Marco.

- OK.

- OK.

Bye-bye.

Tschuss.

Lily...

will you dance with me

tonight at the ball?

I have something

I want to say to you.

- Well...

- Excellent!

Until tonight?

Thank you.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you. Thank you.

It's Burtom! It's him!

- I know.

- What are we going to do?

Let's get out of here quick.

...having been abused

yesternight...

by a band of ruffians...

I thwarted an attempt

on my life...

by these incompetent scofflaws

single-handedly.

Bravo. Wonderful. Good job.

As for myself, I hope that...

the salt air

will heal my wounds...

and the motion

of the cool, green sea...

soothe my tortured soul.

Thank you

and bon voyage to us all.

Bon voyage.

Mr. Sparks, what

an honor it is to have you here.

I'm Pancetta Leaky,

the ship's social director.

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