The In-Laws Page #2

some arm extenders with that?

No, I'm fine, thank you. I'm just...

I'm stretching.

We'll have the house special, please.

Excellent.

Extra hot.

Let me check, make sure they do it right.

But whatever you bring extra hot,

bring out mild too.

Or eggs!

Can we hold this off

for about two hours?

I have to wire my employer

in 30 minutes.

Jer, wait till you see the special.

You are gonna flip out.

- We're very excited.

- I can't wait.

Jer, you all right?

You haven't touched your food.

My food is still eating.

- Well, I think it's time for a toast.

- Hear, hear.

Marc, buddy...

...seems like yesterday you

were just starting school.

What was the name of that school?

- Horton?

- Horton, yeah.

Sorry. I should have gotten there

a little more often.

But look at you now,

out of law school...

...working with a brand-new firm,

about to marry this beautiful girl.

Where did the time go, man?

I gotta go to the John.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

Cheers.

You haven't even tasted it.

Have you seen the Discovery channel?

This is one of the stars.

You might as well eat

Barbara Walters.

I'm going to the bathroom.

I don't like to be kept waiting.

You know we're hot?

If we're going to do this,

we have to do it now. Take it out.

- Should I put it in?

- I'll do it.

Very well. Good old Olga.

She's in good shape for a 20-year-old

runaway. Where is she exactly?

I'll tell you when I get the money.

Bring the proof to Monsieur Thibodoux.

I'll wire him now, tell him you check out.

I'm not going to France,

I just came from Europe.

I'm barely adjusted

to the time change.

This deal has gotta go down

by Sunday.

You are not serious

about brokering a deal for Olga.

I'm serious...

Hey, Jer?

- You're not a stall-peeper, are you?

- No. No.

Because they got a website for guys like

you. I think you ought to take it online.

Actually, I dropped a quarter, and...

- It's not in there?

- No.

I don't need it. I'm all right. Thanks.

Yeah, could I do this alone?

You're not centered.

Would you mind? It's too close for me.

I have a shy bladder.

Oh, great.

Talk to me on day six.

Jer, you still here?

Oh, you got that shy bladder thing, huh?

That's pretty common.

Buddy, you mind?

My friend is trying to take a pee.

Well, well. What do we have here?

- I'll come back.

- No, you stay where you are, Jer.

This man's just about to leave.

Excuse me.

What is this? I mean, what...?

Next time I see a woman

in the men's room...

...lm calling management!

Can you believe this?

Doug?

That's it, we're going home.

The wedding is off.

What? Dad, what are you talking about?

- What happened?

- He beat up a guy in the bathroom.

He wasn't even going to the bathroom

to begin with.

- Dad, you're going insane.

- I'm already there.

I got it.

An unconscious person.

You must be working.

The first thing I noticed about the guy

is he supinates.

- So?

- His shoes show medial heel erosion.

Only pronators have that!

Never mind, it's technical.

Marc is a wonderful guy.

But this is too much for me

to handle.

Fine. Don't marry Marc, I will.

- Jerry.

- Don't "Jerry" me now. Let's go.

- Oh, sweetheart...

- Honey, let's go. Let's go. Now.

Mom!

I tried to push this...

It's bad enough you screwed up your life.

I won't let you screw up mine.

I'll make this up to you.

No, no, no! You listen.

Don't apologize to me, apologize to them.

You fix this. You fix this.

Okay. I hear you.

I'm sorry about my father.

Honey, I'm sorry about my father.

- Here.

- Thanks.

- I have an idea.

- Yeah?

Let's you and me leave town immediately.

Let's escape our wedding.

There's no escaping.

- Really?

- Really.

Isn't this supposed to be about us?

Sweet, funny, whimsical Melissa.

Weddings aren't about the bride and groom.

- There he is! He's inside! Let's move!

- Go!

Get that out!

Some doctors like to operate...

...but I believe in exhausting all

non-surgical techniques first.

This gentleman, however,

will need surgery.

- What?

- I'm sorry. That's my fault.

I should've told you that privately.

It slipped out.

It's not a big deal.

At worst, you'd lose a toe.

- Oh, my God.

- It rarely happens.

All right, gorgeous, you arrange

for the plane. I'll be right back.

Are you sure about this? We've got

the FBI on us like trailer trash on Velveeta.

Yeah. No, I promised Marc.

Besides, I owe the guy an apology.

Okay, guys,

let's try and keep a low profile.

Since we're talking

about the sesamoid bones...

...let's see their role in the deformity

anatomically known as...

...Hallux Abducto Valgus, or what?

The...?

The bunion.

The bunion...

what? What are you doing here?

Listen to you.

You're Mr. Medical Authority.

I asked you on the phone not to come here.

I don't want to see you again.

I just wanted to apologize and make sure

that you don't have any problem with me...

...that would interfere with the wedding.

- There's not gonna be a wedding.

- Would you like us to step outside, sir?

- No, I wouldn't.

Do you know what a remarkable teacher

you have here?

This man was chosen Chicagos Podiatrist

of the Year three years in a row!

So let's give him a hand, huh?

Would you please leave right now?

Five minutes, a cup of coffee.

I just want to iron out a couple of things.

If I give you five minutes,

will you leave me alone forever?

Of course I will.

I need five minutes. All right?

Just relax. I'll be right back.

Thank you.

This is where I work.

I don't bother you when you're

in the bathroom with your hookers.

- What are you talking about?

- Oh, please. Olga, the 20-year-old runaway.

What are you doing?

No more magic tricks! Thank you.

- What happened? What is that?

- You! Freeze!

What?

- What happened?

- I said, freeze!

How'd it go?

Patch things up with the family?

Well, not really.

Come on.

Watch your head, sir.

You took my picture?

Jerome Allen Peyser,

200 Rector Place.

Subject was apprehended in possession

of 9.4 milliliters of fissile nuclear waste.

- Fissile what?

- Yeah, right.

Next you'll tell me

you've never heard of Olga.

The 20-year-old runaway.

Hey, I don't know what that means.

I overheard it!

Listen, I'm a foot doctor.

- I want a name. What's your name?

- Hutchins. Now I get to ask a question.

Where'd you get that canister from,

this man?

That's him!

That's the guy who I got it from!

The homeless guy? Great.

- An arms dealer and a smart-ass.

- Arms dealer?

- What happened to pimp?

- Fine. You're a pimp.

- No, I'm nothing! It's him!

- Who?

The meter maid is the hostess!

- Nobody is who they are.

- Sounds like you're tripping on drugs, pal.

Look, he's talking to me!

Hi, there.

- I think I breathed a little!

- Don't be such a p*ssy.

Don't call me a p*ssy! You just made me

radioactive with your fissile nuclear waste!

Bet you never said that

sentence before, Jer.

- I don't even know what it means!

- Some things you shouldn't know.

You probably gave me leukemia!

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