The In-Laws Page #3

Oh, you're gonna be fine.

Now, hop in.

I'm not hopping anywhere with you.

Jer, we are family. And don't make

me do something I don't wanna do.

We're not family.

There's not gonna be...

I'm going! I'm going!

Now, you hold on tight.

It's a Cushman.

It goes 5 miles an hour.

Not this one.

All right, slow down!

Listen, while I got you here...

...I wanted to tell you I'm so sorry

I had to drag you through all this.

All right, there's a car!

Okay, wait a minute!

- Is that a fanny pack?

- Yes.

What's so funny?

There's a taxi! Oh, my God, a taxi!

This isn't funny. There's a girl!

OStop this! Stop the little thing!

Jer, I'm worried about you.

You just don't look good.

Let me get you a glass of water.

What's the plane situation?

Will I make it to Thibodoux's in time?

It shouldn't be a problem.

You have tailwinds.

He's expecting you at 3.

- You want me with you, I can rejig.

- Here you go. No, I need you here.

I wanna make sure Cherkasov is okay

with the Chicago drop.

Jer. Jer. Don't go there, Jer.

Jer.

You're really gonna have

to work on your listening skills.

Mr. Xerox.

Well, a great supply of copiers

you have here.

I like the one shaped like a rocket launcher.

Does it collate?

Is that a fanny pack?

- It's cute, isn't it?

- It's adorable.

Yeah, it's a fanny pack. I'm a doctor,

something you know nothing about.

I'm riveted. Go on.

I have a phone in here and a pager...

...and some Lorna Doones,

in case I get hungry.

And I also have

a personal attack alarm...

...and if you come near me again,

I'm gonna use it!

She hit me!

Did you like it?

What is wrong with you?

Something's really wrong.

So just tell me what you are. A smuggler?

A pimp? You deal in Russian runaways?

Yeah, we're all those things and more.

We are deep undercover.

We're the CIA.

Great.

Now we have to kill him.

- Oh, Ange, enough already.

- Fine.

I'm gonna go salvage what's left

of my personal life.

- I don't believe anything you're saying.

- It's better that way.

The one thing you should know

is that we are the good guys.

Okay. Look, I didn't see anything.

I'll never tell a soul.

- So take me home and I'm done.

- We'll talk about it on the plane.

I don't fly. There's no plane.

Doctor, do you know what a roofie is?

Yeah, I know what a roofie is.

Frat boys give them to girls at parties.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, don't rape me.

Hello?

Hey, Jer.

We're on a plane!

Yes, we are. And you're

doing quite well, I might add.

I'm making myself an omelet.

You hungry?

I feel sick.

How did that stuff work out

that I put in your drink?

Gives you a hell of a kick.

People say they wake up so refreshed.

You gave me a roofie.

- There's nobody flying!

- No, Gulfstream 5, top of the line.

This baby flies itself.

This one, I think,

belongs to Barbra Streisand.

- What kind of omelet fillings you want?

- You stole Barbra Streisand's plane?

I borrowed it. It's not like we're going

to the Bahamas or anything.

I mean, this is official business.

- I'm gonna throw up.

- Bathroom's right behind me.

I'm really proud of you, Jer. I think

you really conquered this flying thing.

You're my hero.

You have dialed

an invalid country code.

Okay, Marc is such a wonderful guy.

And you are so lucky.

I'm gonna get so drunk.

I'm totally fine.

I fall all the time, you guys.

I fall every day.

- Marc?

- Melissa, it's your father!

- Dad?

- Honey.

Dad, I can't hear anything.

You're breaking up.

I can't hear anything.

- Jerry?

- Katherine!

I am in the bathroom

of Barbra Streisand's airplane.

Steve is taking me to France!

Honey, your father's going to France

with Barbra Streisand!

What?!

Babs! Babs!

I'm not going to France

with Barbra Streisand!

So, what's she like? Is she nice?

She's not here!

I love Barbra Streisand.

- They're taking me against my will!

- This doesn't make any sense.

These things don't have to make sense,

Katherine. Call everyone.

All the authorities!

Do it now!

Is Melissa okay?

She said something to me in the office.

I'm worried about her.

Put her back on the phone!

Jerry?

- Yeah?

- Hey, Jer, you fall in?

Yeah, I did. I fell in.

I'll be out in a minute.

Hello?

Mom, can you come here for a minute?

Oh, no. This is about the tax return,

isn't it?

You ever been to France, Jer?

No.

I think we're flying way too low.

Well, we gotta stay under the radar.

It makes things a little less complicated.

Yeah, but this is just too low.

Let me tell you about this guy we're gonna

see. His name is Jean-Pierre Thibodoux.

Now, he is a smuggler of the worst kind.

But not to worry, all right?

We're just going in and out.

Gotta pick up $ 170 million.

Hopefully broker a deal where I can bust

both the buyer and seller, put them in jail.

You're getting $ 170 million?

Yeah. It's chump change for a guy

like that. Once he's got Olga...

...he can control the black market

in the U.S., Russia and the Middle East.

So everybody wants this Olga.

Oh, my God. Oh, no.

What's this shaking?

What is that? That's too much!

Oh, Jer...

...do you know anything

about flying a G5?

That's not funny!

I'm serious, Jer.

There's something wrong here.

What are you doing?

Why are you banging that?

Do you know how you put

the landing gear down in this?

You don't know where the landing gear is?

How can you not know that?!

I got you so good, didn't I, Jer?

You son of a...

My husband couldn't possibly

be buying a...

- could you please repeat that?

- A stealth nuclear submarine.

Missing since 1998. The commander

of the fleet, one Alexei Cherkasov...

...now a kingpin with the Russian mob,

has been selling stolen military equipment.

This is his big-ticket item.

And we found a sample...

...of her fissile nuclear waste

in your husband's possession.

Fissile nuclear what?

Each submarine emits

a kind of radioactive waste...

...which bears a unique imprint to that

particular sub. A proof of possession.

You guys,

my dad wouldn't buy a Russian sub.

I mean,

he won't even buy a foreign car.

Place is clean.

Thank you.

We'll be in touch.

Guys, let's go.

When I opened the door,

I thought they were strippers.

So I'm in France because

of submarine piss.

Yeah, it's nutty, isn't it?

Think what you'll

tell your grandchildren.

Of course, you're gonna be sworn

to secrecy, so you won't be able to, but...

who are these guys?

Hi, how are you? Nice hair.

I don't understand something!

Why would a smuggler want a...?

Large, armed,

virtually undetectable transport vehicle?

Right.

So he moves drugs, munitions,

everything.

World falls apart,

this guy makes a fortune.

I see a lot of guns.

Did you ever think it's because

you want to see the guns?

I mean, I look around,

I see birds, flowers, beautiful girls.

The cup is half-full.

You know, you gotta stop,

smell the roses.

Arms up.

Please be careful. I have very

sensitive underarms. I just don't...

I'm not kidding.

Don't do that, please. Please!

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