The In-Laws Page #4

Fanny pack?

By the way, this fanny pack comes

from France.

Take a good look, boys.

I've been known to shoot tranq darts

from my knees.

Look at you.

You're just an old guy pretending

to be a little kid.

Knee brace.

The brace is for getting through

metal detectors.

Distracts them from the knife

in my shoe.

Steven!

Jean-Pierre.

Come on.

One little thing I almost forgot.

I've been known to travel

with some dangerous types...

...so he might think that you're

an arms dealer or a deadly assassin.

- So you just play along with it, okay?

- What?

Just play along at being a deadly...

Silent, but deadly.

We must hold our introduction.

Please, gentlemen, walk with me.

This man was caught stealing from me.

Were this one year ago,

I would torture him to death.

But I have made some personal growth.

You notice it, right?

I noticed right off the bat,

Jean-Pierre.

Well, I'm calmer now. I am more centered.

I spent some time with Deepak Chopra.

He wrote Molecules of Emotion and

Natural Healing for Anxiety and Depression.

I have learned how to forgive.

Run for your life!

- I know I need to do more work on myself.

- You're doing great, J.P.

I did not get your name.

Jerry.

- You don't know who this guy is?

- No.

The Fat Cobra.

Well, I am honored.

I hope we shall get

to know each other better.

Follow me.

Exactly who am I?

A legendary crime leader known only

as the Fat cobra.

Fat cobra?

So, what does that refer to?

A snake? Slithery? Venomous? What?

No, not exactly. It refers to...

Oh. Sh*t.

Your contact will meet the seller

in Chicago on Sunday.

- Then he'll give him Olga's location.

- It was Nova Scotia on Wednesday.

It's Chicago on Sunday.

What do you want from me?

I'm the middleman here.

One hundred and seventy

in cash and bearer bonds.

But I don't hand over cash

before seeing the merchandise.

J.P., who gave you the rocket launchers

last month on credit?

How long have we known each other?

Years.

All right, I trust you.

Besides, if you try to screw me...

...I will kill you

and everyone you've ever met.

That's great, huh? That's great...

Sh*t, that knee.

Wanna wait while I count the money...

...or take a walk?

- We'll wait here.

No! I would love nothing more than to

share a drink with the legendary Fat cobra.

Those mosquitoes are bad

this time of year.

So you're buying a submarine.

Well, that'll be nice.

Wonderful.

Now I can take anything anywhere.

Cocaine, nuclear devices.

Whatever you want, I will move it.

That's terrific.

We just got another Town car.

- Please make yourself comfortable.

- Okay.

We're gonna lay here together.

Thank you.

To Fat cobra...

...in the flesh.

So tell me...

...how many kills do you have?

- Kills?

- Six.

- Six only?

Since Christmas.

People think we are insane.

They don't know the joy of holding a man's

beating heart in the palm of your hand.

That's a good feeling.

- Let's take a walk.

- No, I walked too much today.

Besides, I have a little pain

here behind my ankle.

- Let me take a look at it.

- What do you mean?

I'm a foot person.

Just like me.

All right, tell me something here.

Is it tender right there?

Yes!

You have plantar fasciitis

in the heel.

You should go soak that.

Did you say "soak"?

I didn't mean soak the whole body.

I'll grab a bathing suit.

Which would you like, American or French?

Soviet.

I'll be right back.

I'm going to kill you! Kill you!

That's great! Great, Jerry.

You're getting into character.

I gotta get his client list

and see what he's smuggling...

...and where it's traveling,

so keep him looking the other way!

Did you hear what he's calling me?

Did you hear that? Fat cobra!

Listen...

...I have to talk to you.

Hey!

I can't go in with you,

but I'm happy to watch.

- Why?

- I have, like, a childhood problem.

A disease. Sort of rare.

I'm not waterproof.

My skin will let in water.

So I can't be in a situation where...

...I submerse myself.

So as a child, I couldn't do anything.

I couldn't even play with a hose.

- You know, the Slip 'N Slides?

- Yes.

I couldn't have that.

And even snow cones.

Anyway, if I got in there and

it happened, then I could really get sick.

What would happen is the water

goes all the way through the skin...

...because I got what they...

well, they call "wet bone."

I'm curious to know more

about wet bone.

Well, the money's all there, huh?

You okay?

You're looking a little dizzy.

I'm married.

- You're married?

- Yeah, I'm married.

Well, actually, we're separated.

Okay, I killed her.

Well, my wife is still

very much alive.

It's very nice to have a wife.

But as a man, there are certain things

I can only do with other men.

- Like golf?

- No, I'm not gay.

It's just occasionally I need the company

of a man.

Just because I'm big,

it doesn't mean I'm easy.

Wow!

I don't want to interrupt.

Just wanted to tell you the money's good...

...I talked to the supplier,

and he'll be there Sunday.

- Would you guys like me to go?

- No, we're done.

That was a good soak,

and I thank you very much.

The international operator.

Hurry, hurry, hurry!

Could you hold, please?

Excuse me!

Peyser is on line one.

He's crazed. Something about

Steve Tobias and the Fat cobra.

- Mr. Peyser?

- It's Dr. Peyser!

You are in trouble.

Where you calling from?

How can I be in trouble?

I didn't do anything.

Steve Tobias gave me

that fissile waste!

- Did you say Steve Tobias?

- Yes.

- He's one of you guys, right?

- Mr. Peyser, this is the FBI.

Tobias was with the CIA, but he was let go.

He's a rogue agent.

- What does that mean?

- He went bad.

He's mentally unstable and dangerous.

What's this about the Fat cobra?

Please, I'm innocent.

Why don't you come tonight. We'll be

in Chicago at 8:
00 at the Marriott Marquis.

We're in the Eleanor Roosevelt

Function Room.

There's no Eleanor Roosevelt Function Room

at that hotel.

One of the Roosevelts!

- Who you talking to?

- Just an operator. Nobody.

Are you lying to me, Jer?

That will upset me.

You don't want to upset me.

No, no. No, I don't.

Good. So let's get going, huh?

Last one to the plane's gonna take

170 mil through customs.

Look, I'm used to dealing

with Dr. Peyser, okay?

- What do you have to do with this affair?

- Nothing. I'm the bride.

Congratulations. Now, what do you want

me to do with the spray of freesia?

Hey, buddy, I'll show you where you

can put the spray of freesia, okay?

Okay.

Gloria, what did you do with the

table-card seat-assignment thingies?

What thingies? I'm a little muzzy.

I think the devil's playing drums

in my head.

That better be my dad.

- "Streisand. Private."

- That would be me.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Where are you?

Melissa's just really freaking out.

And her dad's not even here,

and he planned the whole thing.

No, he's right here. He's fine.

Listen, buddy, I wanna give you

the heads up on something.

We've changed the location

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