The In-Laws Page #5

of the rehearsal dinner.

We're gonna meet you

at the Signature Room...

...at the Hancock Tower instead

of the Marriott.

You moved the rehearsal dinner?

Well, the Hancock Tower owed us

a favor and they'll set us up really nice.

So if you get there before I do and

there's any kind of problem, ask for Artie.

Reference the alabaster incident.

He'll know what you're talking about.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry about this, buddy,

but it's important.

And this isn't?

You gotta trust me on this, all right?

Have I ever let you down?

Well, as a matter of fact...

Don't answer that.

I'll make it up to you.

What was the name of that song you guys

sang at that karaoke club on your first date?

What?

"Get Down Tonight"

by KC and the Sunshine Band. Why?

I was just curious.

- I'll talk to you later.

- Super.

Oh, my God.

So you went and called the FBI.

I know all about you now.

You're a liar.

You lie about everything.

I did not lie to you, Jer.

I do not lie to family.

Don't call me family!

We're not family!

- He did what?

- It's fine.

He switches things around sometimes...

How could he just go and do that?

Because he's Steve Tobias.

And Steve Tobias is

an emotional fascist.

But I'd like to say something.

Just because I hate Marc's father...

...it's not going to be uncomfortable here

at the wedding.

- Hello, everyone!

- Hi, Mom.

Hi, honey.

I'm so happy to be here.

And I'm so proud of you.

And finally,

the daughter I never had.

You complete me.

You know, Marc was supposed

to be a girl.

And this is Popo.

- Popo?

- Hi.

He's doing the ceremony

with the rabbi.

He is?

The Signature Room?

What happened to the Marriott?

It's closer to the ground.

Come on.

The Signature Room.

I've always wanted to come here,

but Jerry gets vertigo.

Thank you so much for the surprise.

This would be Steve's doing.

He doesn't have a soul...

...so he has to compensate

by making extravagant gestures.

Well, marriage is difficult.

But we had fantastic sex.

Fantastic, angry...

...crazy, crazy, crazy sex.

Hey.

- We're here.

- Oh, my God.

Your dad must sell a lot of toner.

Oh, hi. I'm so happy you could come.

Roosevelt. This is it!

Freeze!

Hey.

What's up?

Got Carlucci!

He found them.

They're over at the Hancock Tower.

Peyser set us up. Son of a b*tch!

I want the whole unit regrouped downstairs

in two minutes. Let's go!

You're doing great, Jer.

First an airplane, now one

of the tallest buildings in the world.

I'm proud of you.

Has the elevator stopped?

It's too high.

Here, please.

Water.

- What's this?

- My collapsible cup.

You're a piece of work, Jer.

If it's tap water,

let it run at least 20 seconds.

Melissa! Melissa!

Daddy, where the hell

have you been?

First you plan this whole thing

without me, and then you disappear.

- I don't know anyone here!

- I'm sorry. I went to France.

It wasn't my fault.

I just want everything to be wonderful,

that's all.

Are you having a good time, at least?

I'm trying to.

No.

- No?

- We have to do shots!

Shots, shots, shots!

- Are you okay?

- No!

The FBI came to the house!

It's Steve. I talked to them.

He's a rogue agent. He's unstable!

- Who?

- Steve.

- He's a rogue Xerox agent?

- No, no! CIA.

I'm lucky to be here.

I had a roofie. I was on a plane!

- That's right, you flew!

- I did. I did fly!

Isn't that something?

- The thing is, you gotta go private.

- Yeah.

Oh, God.

- Oh, there you are.

- Judy, Judy, Judy. How are you?

You look great.

It's the work at the ashram.

- And the therapy.

- Really?

And several powerful prescription drugs.

I'm kidding about the drugs. Or am I?

At any rate, let's give ourselves permission

to be honest with each other...

...so we can have some closure

this weekend.

Let's not.

Why do you enjoy moving rehearsal

dinners and having everyone hate you?

Another question. On your birthday...

...why do you always end up in the bathtub

in the fetal position clutching a firearm?

And one more.

Why did you always weep like a little girl

during orgasm?

Answer to all of the above:

Fear of intimacy.

- Judy.

- You're heading for a crash, Steve Tobias.

Into a mountain called

self-awareness.

You have been running away

from yourself your whole life.

No, I've been running away from you!

Because I'm the only one

that's got your number!

Let's go! Hurry.

Well, you're here, and you seem fine.

I seem fine? Have you heard nothing?

What, am I not talking English?

This is fine to you?

- Katherine, hi. How are you?

- Hi, Steve.

- Get away from me.

- I brought you your water.

- Okay, thanks.

- Come on, let's go.

No, I...

Get help. Get some help!

Let's do it.

What the hell is this?

I said, Signature Room!

I did, I swear.

Top floor.

- Look, there are only three buttons.

- Signature Room.

Is this not a beautiful evening?

Well, I stand before you this evening

as a very, very happy man.

Not only has the Almighty seen fit...

...to provide me

with a beautiful new daughter...

...but I am blessed with this man

here on my left.

A man who's given so much to so many.

A man who has a taste

for adventure...

- This is your father, right?

- My dad?

...who is willing to try new things.

Damn it!

Let's take the stairs! Now!

But most importantly...

...a man who I know will always be close

in my heart.

- A man who I...

- He is mentally ill!

No, I mean it, he's dangerous!

Listen, he gave me a roofie!

He took me on a plane to France!

Yeah, I took him to France!

Stop it! He's a rogue agent!

He works for the other side!

Call somebody!

Well, enough of the hearts and flowers,

huh?

We're here to have a good time,

right?

Here we go!

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

KC and the Sunshine Band!

Oh, my God.

Honey, this is the song we sang

on our first date!

I know.

You are one slick bastard.

Look, leave me alone!

Find somebody else to torture.

- Okay.

- Thank you!

Dr. Peyser.

Agent Hutchins, thank God!

- You're under arrest.

- What are you doing?

Stay where you are, Dr. Peyser.

Or should we call you Fat cobra?

I'm not the Fat cobra!

If necessary, shoot to kill.

You got the wrong guy! I'm...

There's 100 guns pointing at my head!

- They think you're the Fat cobra.

- Because you told them!

- No, I didn't. You told them!

- No, I didn't!

Meliss?

Okay. It may not be the best time

to tell you this...

...but a couple of years ago,

I slept with Marc.

And I think I'm still in love with him.

What?

Yesterday, I was a respected man

in my community.

Today, they want to kill me!

My life is ruined!

Jerry, I am sorry I ruined your life,

but you know what?

This case is my life.

I'm on a roof.

I don't do roofs.

Peyser, down on the ground!

On the ground now!

Well, buddy, I guess this is it, huh?

We tried.

- Give me a hug.

- What, are you crazy?

- Fine, I'll hug you.

- No! What are you...?

Wait! Wait! What are you doing?

What are you doing?!

Holy Mother of God!

Now, you're gonna feel a slight jerk.

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