The In-Laws Page #6

- You're so much more than a slight jerk!

- That's not very nice.

Jerry, listen to me. I need you

to keep your weight centered!

My weight's fine!

- Help!

- We're fine!

- Help!

- Have a good night!

Get control! Get control, you schmuck!

- You're not exactly helping things, Jer.

- Helping how?

- Unwrap your legs.

- What?

Unwrap your legs!

- All right!

- Thank you.

I guess I forgot to take parachute etiquette

when I went to medical school!

- This isn't fun.

- You gotta stop and smell those roses.

Don't ever use that expression again!

Ever!

We're about to get impaled by that!

- What the hell is that?

- I don't know. I've always hated it.

- Jer?

- Hold on to me! I'll hold on to you!

It's okay. We're down. Easy, Jer.

Get off me!

I'm choking!

- All right. We're safe and sound.

- Unbuckle it. Quick.

- We're neither!

- We are.

- Okay, pal, let's get the hell out of here.

- No, no. I am done!

I'm finished with you! I mean it!

What do you mean?

When I thought I was gonna die,

you know what image is in my head?

No.

I'm thinking of that look

my daughter gave me up there.

I've given her these things she doesn't

want, and the one time she needs me...

...where am I? I'm with you!

Something you should work on, Jer.

- What did you say?

- I said...

I have to work on that?

The worst father in the universe is telling

me I gotta work on something?

Do you know in the last three months I have

spent almost every day with your kid?

Have you seen him even once?

Were you even there for conception?

I bet you mailed your sperm in.

I may be bad, granted,

but you're worse!

Way worse! And you know I'm right!

You're way off course.

What is he doing here?

My least favorite person.

You wanna do something about it,

fanny boy?

- I do. I really do.

- Let's go.

Come on. Bring it on.

You wanna fight me?

Three rounds. Let's do it the right way.

He'll referee, we'll...

It was before I even met you.

It doesn't bother me that you went out

with someone before you met me.

- I went out with other guys!

- But that's not even...

- You went out with other guys? Who?

- I've told you about them.

And that's the thing. You weren't

as honest with me as I was with you.

And by the way, can you just tell me

what your dad really does?

Because he's got a few too many Prada

and Gucci outfits to be a Xerox salesman.

- I can't say.

- What?

I mean, I really...

I'm not allowed to say.

He made me vow.

And I gave him my word.

How good is your word?

Okay. I just think you're feeling

a little nervous about the wedding.

Don't tell me what I'm feeling!

My father does that.

- So, what are you doing?

- Just confirming.

Cherkasov's got her in position

five miles offshore.

Thibodoux's guy is en route, and they're

both set for a noon exchange time.

I guess I can squeeze it in between

the "I dos" and the appetizers.

Unless you think I'm ready

to take the lead.

Excuse me.

That's what I thought.

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

Don't worry, I'm used to it.

Push everything back.

Meaning what?

The whole exchange. Cherkasov,

Thibodoux, the money, everything.

Put it off until tomorrow

when the kids are on their honeymoon.

I thought you were gonna

juggle both. You always do.

I am tired of juggling.

Cherkasov and Thibodoux

are not gonna like this.

- Well, they can kiss my ass.

- Fair enough.

Did you get the tuxedos

from the dry cleaners?

I sure did.

- What about the pictures?

- Jacket pocket. Anything else?

You look very nice this evening.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

I'm just waiting for you,

Mr. Bright Eyes.

- You dressed me?

- Yes, I did.

So, Jer, we gotta talk.

I know we've had our differences, but our

son and daughter are gonna be married.

And whether we like it or not,

we're stuck with each other.

Yeah.

So you knocked some sense

into me, father-wise...

...and I'm gonna be changing my lifestyle.

No more shenanigans.

And I'm not working today.

Does the FBI know about this?

It won't be a problem.

This wedding is gonna be as normal

as butter on mashed potatoes.

Come on, let's go.

Freeze!

Like butter on mashed potatoes, huh?

That lasted about 10 minutes.

Jer, just relax.

Hutchins...

...do you have kids?

- I have a Jack Russell Terrier.

Well, then you'll understand.

You gotta give me two hours.

- You're kidding me!

- This is my son's wedding.

You can do anything you want

to me afterwards.

You can take me out back,

shoot me, be a hero.

But let me see my boy get married.

- Or...

- Hey! Hey! Hey!

Well, maybe you ought

to just see this.

What?

Where'd you get...?

- This was in college, man. I was pledging.

- Wow.

- Stand down!

- That's a big pair of heels.

Hutch, thanks so much.

Yeah, thank you.

We'll send out some cake later.

Yeah, we'll be right here!

- That was fun!

- Yeah. Blackmail. It's terrific.

- Jerry!

- Uncle Ben!

- Mazel tov.

- Thanks.

- Where's Marc and Melissa?

- Where are they?

- Where are they?

- I don't know. Where are they?

- I don't know.

- Ben, I'm asking you.

- I'm asking you.

- I'm asking you.

All right, stop!

We're turning into Abbott and Costello.

I'm sure they're here.

- Dr. Peyser.

- Hi, Rabbi.

We're already behind schedule, and I do

have two other ceremonies this afternoon.

- And that Buddhist monk...

- That was not my idea.

- What's wrong with him?

- He's an idiot.

- Okay. Well, let me talk to him.

- Thank you.

I don't know one person here!

Not one person.

That's right,

because it's not an arms convention.

Talk to these guys.

- Hey, guys!

- Hey.

Hi, who are you?

- Marc's frat brothers. Who are you?

- I'm Marc's dad.

- Seriously?

- Yeah.

- Marc never mentioned he had a dad.

- Like, not ever.

Well, I'm traveling a lot.

I just assumed that you were dead

or in jail.

Me too.

Well, f*** you very much

and have another beer.

- Thanks a lot.

- Thanks.

Mr. Monk...

...if you two can't work this out,

the planet is doomed.

What can I do? Just talk to her.

- Dr. Peyser.

- Hi.

- Gloria, from before.

- Yeah, I know. Hi, Gloria.

- Have you seen Melissa?

- No, where is she?

I'm a little worried.

I got really wasted last night, and I did this

My Best Friend's Wedding thing...

...and told her I dated Marc

one time.

- You what?

- I think she may have bolted.

So, I thought you'd like

to know the wedding is off.

- Why? What happened?

- Marc and Melissa have vanished.

Jerry, calm down.

It's all gonna be all right.

Melissa. Melissa!

Hey! I'll be right back.

Melissa!

Melissa...

...I know you're a little stressed out.

Well, so am I.

You know, it's a big day and,

you know, you're confused.

I was confused on the day

I got married.

Obviously.

I've never seen Marc happier,

and I know it's because of you.

And I get down on my knees,

and I thank that big man up there...

...for you coming into his life.

And to tell you that the second

I saw you, I knew...

...you're the best girl in the world.

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