The In-Laws

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Let's call in, huh?

Hello, this is Alpha and Beta, over.

We read you, Alpha Beta. Location, over.

We're whipping along South Factory...

...should be coming into the mintaroonie|in about nine minutes at 1100.

Over and out.

What's going on?

Wait a minute!|Oh, Christ! Arabs!

- What're you talking about?|- Chrissakes!

Base? This is Alpha Beta.

Come in. Come in, base.

I bet it's Arabs. I saw a TV show.|This is what they do.

- Come in, base. This is Alpha Beta.|- Jesus!

- This is Alpha Beta. Come in, base!|- Goddamned Arabs!

- They're lowering us now.|- What's happening? What's wrong?

- We're jammed!|- Jammed?

We better get somebody on that radio!|We can't use it jammed.

We're the U.S. Treasury, for chrissake.|This ain't no Wells Fargo truck!

I'll get you! Here,|I'll get your ass! I'll get you!

Get out of there!

What's this sh*t?|There's nothing but money in here.

That's the ticket. Let's go.

Vince.

Hey, Vince.

Hey.

Hey.

- Hey, Vince.|- Gee, I can't believe this trade.

What do the Mets|need another pitcher for?

All they got is pitchers.

What're we doing up here?|I don't understand.

Oh, there's reasons. I mean,|you know, I don't just do things.

There's always a valid reason.|Let me see.

- All right. Any problems?|- None.

Fabulous. Fabulous work.

Now what's the story on this?|You gonna bill me?

- He wants a million, five.|- No sweat.

- By tomorrow.|- What?

- I'm sorry. That's what he said.|- That's completely nuts!

My kid is getting married Sunday.

How the hell does he expect me|to come up with that money?

Do you know how tied up I've been?|I haven't even met the bride's family yet.

If it was up to me, you could take|two weeks, but that's what he told me!

Jesus Christ.

Okay. I just have to|work something out, that's all.

Thanks for everything.|How's the wife?

She's fine. You know,|she's taking up tennis?

- No kidding?|- Yeah.

I can never get the hang of it.|I don't know what the hell it is.

You know, maybe it's because|you have to wear short pants to play.

I guess we ought to|break this thing up, huh?

- Take it easy.|- You too, Vince.

Evita, give Acme a call. I'm not|happy with the viscosity on these bibs.

Okay, here we go, Mr. Hirschorn.|Just open your mouth, please.

Mr. Hirschorn,|take your hand down...

...put your head back,|open your mouth.

That's it.

Mr. Hirschorn,|I cannot work this way.

Doc, 72 years I have this tooth.|He don't wanna die.

Your tooth is not a "he."

It's nerves, enamel,|rotten and it's gotta go.

- No big deal.|- Seventy-two years.

This tooth had steaks. This tooth|had just beans when I was poor.

- Mr. Hirschorn.|- This tooth chewed on beautiful women.

Including a second cousin|of Sophie Tucker.

- Your tooth's had a wonder...|- Dr. Kornpett.

- Your wife is on the line.|- I'll be right there.

Your tooth had a wonderful life.|Now it's time to say goodbye.

I understand.

But I want you to know|what kind of a tooth this was.

It's an extraordinary tooth.

It's an honor to pull it out, which|I'll do after I answer this phone call.

Excuse me.

How's it going?

The tent up? Terrific.

Yeah, I'm getting excited.|Is Barbara home?

- Yes, she's here being very domestic.|- Hi.

- She says hi.|- And remember the wine.

Oh, and remember the wine.

No. Not Beaujolais.|Get something fancier.

- A St. Emilion or a good California.|- Cabernet's great.

Julia Child says Cabernet's great.|Will you be home early tonight?

7:
00 sharp.|He's definitely coming over?

Sweetheart, I'll believe it|when I see him.

No, I'll behave myself.

Listen, I got somebody|in the chair so I gotta go.

Me too. Goodbye.

My daughter's|getting married on Sunday.

Oh, no kidding.

- That's great. Congratulations.|- Thanks.

Nice boy?

Second year law student at Yale.

- And the parents?|- Well, the mother's very nice.

The father does|international consulting work.

He travels a lot, so we haven't seen him.|He's coming to dinner tonight.

- Call it off.|- Call what off?

The wedding.|Until you know the father.

- Well, it's Sunday, we're...|- Call it off.

She's marrying the son,|not the father.

The son is the acorn.|You gotta look at the tree.

I've been around a little.|Give a listen.

By the way, here.

- What's that? Your tooth?|- I pulled it when you were on the phone.

You're a nice boy. You could|hurt yourself pulling like that.

- Now, do me a favor.|- I can't call it off, Mr. Hirschorn.

It's not 19th-century Minsk.|It's 20th-century Manhattan.

- I hope I'm wrong.|- You're wrong.

- Best of luck to you.|- Thank you.

- Forget I said anything.|- I forgot already.

- False alarm.|- I hope they haven't had an accident.

Mr. Ricardo's been out of town.|Maybe he got hung up.

Hung up.

I have to take the roast beef|out of the oven.

- Just put it on the warmer.|- I'll try.

- Hour late. Great start.|- I'm sure there's a good reason.

- Why couldn't he call?|- Lf he's in bad traffic, he can't call.

- Why are you taking their side?|- I'm not taking anybody's side.

- You're still in our family, Barbara.|- God, don't lay this on me.

They're late.|Don't make it a family issue.

He's such a hotshot, how come he|doesn't have a phone in the car?

- Who said he was a hotshot?|- You did. Travels all over the world.

Hasn't got time to meet|the new in-laws.

I had a patient today, said I should|call the whole thing off.

Well, that's a brilliant solution|to the problem.

- Coupe de Ville?|- That's them.

Are you okay|or are you gonna be totally hostile?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Will you ever forgive me?

- Please, come in.|- Welcome.

- Count on Vince.|- It's my fault. I had business in Canada.

And damn Canadians,|they never stop talking.

I know what it's like.

You must be the lovely mother|of the bride.

I am.

Now I know where Barbara|gets her good looks.

We're very glad you're here.|I'm Sheldon Kornpett.

I'm just thrilled to meet you.

Tommy says you were the first dentist|to use that drill that spritzes water.

Among the first in New York.|Why are we standing in the hallway?

- Please, come in and have a drink?|- Well, I certainly could use one.

- Shelley, have you...?|- People, I hate to say this. But if we...

...don't sit down right away,|that roast beef is going to be inedible.

Well, I'm starving.

I'll take the drink orders in there,|and I'll make them up myself.

- I'm petrified.|- My dad was a maniac before you came.

Vince, how long did you|actually live in Guatemala?

He was gone for ages.

I was in the jungle, the bush,|we called it...

...for approximately nine months.|- Nine months?

My God, that really must|have been something.

Sheldon, it was unbelievable.|I saw things...

They have tsetse flies down there|the size of eagles. Really.

In the evening, I would stand in front|of my hut and watch in horror...

...as these giant flies would pick children|off the ground and carry them away.

- My God.|- Oh, the things he told us.

Oh, it was an incredible sight.|Peasants screaming...

...chasing these flies down the road,|waving brooms.

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