The In-Laws Page #2

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You can imagine|the pathetic quality of this.

Waving these crudely fashioned brooms|at these enormous flies...

...as they carried their children off|to almost certain death.

Oh, my, that is just|the most horrible thing.

You're sure these are flies|you're talking about?

Flies.

Natives had a name for them.

Jos Grecos de Muertos.

"Flamenco dancers of death."

You took those slides of them|that never came out, remember?

That's a shame. I really would've|liked to have seen those slides.

Yeah, I left them in a jacket|that got Martinized.

They would've won me|the Pulitzer Prize.

The enormous flies flapping|slowly away into the sunset.

Small brown babies|clutched in their beaks.

Beaks? Flies with beaks?

A sight I'll never forget.|I was stunned. Appalled.

What did you do?

What did I do?

As a consultant,|what did you do about the flies?

Sadly, there is very little you can do due|to the tremendous red tape in the bush.

- There's red tape in the bush?|- Enormous red tape, Sheldon.

These flies, for example.

They're protected against pilferage|under the Guacamole Act of 1917.

I've been getting|The National Geographic for years...

Dad, could I have some more wine?

Oh, I'd like some too,|for the purposes of a toast.

Oh, what a good idea.

I'm not the most eloquent guy|in the world...

...but I would like to say that this|has been a most lovely occasion.

And I couldn't agree more.

On Sunday, there's gonna be another|occasion, even more lovely, more sacred.

And all I really wanna say is that...

...I'm just honored...

...and moved to be part of|the Kornpett family.

And I hope we'll be together in the good|times to share them with joy.

And if there are bad times, God forbid,|we'll work that out too...

...but together.

- That was really lovely, Mr. Ricardo.|- And I feel the same way, Dad.

I'd like to say that...

...as difficult as it is for me|to give my little girl away...

...I'm very happy that it's to|someone as wonderful as Tommy.

I hope that the Kornpetts and Ricardos|share many happy, peaceful occasions...

...through many happy, peaceful years.|- Hear, hear!

Dad, that was sweet.

- Excuse me, where is the phone?|- Phone?

- There's one in the kitchen.|- Where is the furthest one?

I have to make a long-distance call...

...and with these overseas connections|I have to scream like a banshee.

There's one in the basement,|but it's a mess.

That's okay.

- Through there?|- I'll show you.

Please, don't bother.|I'll find it.

- Dad and his mysterious phone calls.|- What did you say?

I just said, "Dad|and his mysterious phone calls."

- What the hell do you mean by that?|- Nothing.

Really!

You're always making weird calls|in backrooms and pay booths.

You little snot-nose! Those phone|calls put you through college!

- I'm sure Tommy didn't mean to...|- I worked myself up to where...

...I can make these top-level|phone calls...

...to top businessmen,|and my own son derogates.

Dad, I wasn't derogating.

Well, maybe you weren't.

I'm terribly sorry,|it's been a long day.

Listen...

- Through there?|- First door to the left.

- Pull the string for the light.|- Thanks a million.

He's been working very hard lately.

- Listen...|- Normally he's...

Usually he's so affectionate|and physical with Tommy.

I can understand|a certain amount of resentment.

He's had to work really hard|in his life and I really haven't.

It's Ricardo.

Yes, very smoothly.|But listen.

That kind of money by tomorrow,|that's impossible.

No, Ralph, you don't understand.

This is a major international deal. We're|not fencing some sh*t in the street.

No, they're not all in there.

I kept one in case you pulled|something like this.

What's the point in threatening me?|You can't...

Hello?

Oh, Christ.

Dad, what are you talking about?

The man is crazy!|That's what I'm talking about.

He's crazy? Look at yourself.|You're foaming at the mouth.

Sweetheart... It's toothpaste.

I love you very much.|But I know about these things.

He's crazy. I will not have you|marrying into that family.

You're being absolutely Sicilian about|this. I'm marrying Tommy, not Vince.

Tommy is the acorn.

- What acorn?|- The acorn, sweetheart, from the tree.

- It's a saying.|- Oh.

It's a great saying.|Really captures a whole lot.

I don't need the sarcasm. It's off!

It is not off!

I'm calling the caterers.|I'm calling the guests.

It may be a bit humiliating,|and a bit expensive...

...but you are not marrying|into that family!

Damn it, we are not calling it off.

Tommy and I are gonna go to Vegas.|I don't care.

But we are getting married!

- God, Mom, will you please tell him?|- I think you're being irrational.

I'm being irrational?

I sit there listening to stories|about the Guacamole Act of 1917...

...and tsetse flies carrying off|children, and I'm being irrational?

So he embellishes a bit.

First he's laughing, then crying, then|he practically belts Tommy in the mouth.

- He didn't belt him in the mouth.|- He almost belted Tommy in the mouth.

Then he's gotta go to the basement|to make phone calls. What is that?

- And what else?|- I don't like...

I don't like his whole manner!

And for that you wanna|call off the wedding?

Shelley.

- You're just projecting like crazy.|- Psychology on parade.

Quit, Shelley, let her talk!

It isn't easy for fathers|to give away daughters.

It's a complicated relationship.

- There's sexual stuff going on.|- Hey! Hey!

I'm not talking about incest.

But there is a certain sexual component|to father-daughter relationships.

So the closer the wedding gets,|the more edgy you're gonna be...

...the more you're gonna fix on things|like Mr. Ricardo being a little flaky...

...which I'm not denying...

...as a reason to reject|the whole idea of marriage.

I think she's right.

Six thousand dollars a year tuition|to listen to this.

- It doesn't make sense?|- No, it makes sense. It makes sense.

- I'm sorry.|- There's no reason to be sorry.

All I want you to do is be more open to|Tommy's father. Don't just reject him.

All right. I'll try to be more open.

Shelley, think how nervous|he was to meet you.

Tommy's told him so much about you.

- He must have been nervous.|- Sure he was.

Okay. Finished. I'll do my best.

I'll just be incredibly receptive.

It's the building in the next block,|just past the Stetson hat sign.

- 1270.|- Right.

Christ. Keep going.

- It's 1270, man.|- I said keep going!

Stupid bastards.

Any particular place you want me to go?

731 Fifth Avenue. Pronto.

Pronto it will be.

This is gonna set fast, Mrs. Adelman,|so just don't fight me. Good.

No. It's looking good.

No, no. Two more visits|ought to do it fine.

Don't push out|with your tongue now.

All right. Let that stay in there.|Now you can relax your mouth.

But don't clench.

- I'm watching a master at work.|- What are you doing?

- Did I startle you?|- It's all right.

You're gonna have to leave.|I'm sorry...

I'm delighted to meet you.

I'm Vince Ricardo. Dr. Kornpett's|wonderful daughter is marrying my son.

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