The Inbetweeners 2 Page #10

OK. Now we're getting somewhere.

What would Bear suggest

we do in this situation, Neil?

OK, when we get a salmon, just bite

into the middle, even though it's raw.

There isn't any water. Where do we

get a salmon, you f***ing idiot?

Shop.

Neil's got a point.

Split up and search for water sources.

- And a salmon.

- Yes.

Thanks very much, Dad. Thanks for

not teaching me how to find water,

the only thing I would need

to know in my entire f***ing life.

"Go and do a sociology degree.

That'll be f***ing helpful."

Roll The Bones

Well, so it goes, yeah, so it goes

Si, quick! Look!

That sweet heirloom, them abbey stones

Yeah, let's take a chance

and roll the bones

OK, learn from your mistakes.

Wandering around failing to find water

just uses up calories. We've learnt that.

I can't believe we didn't

bring any sun cream.

Not even, like, factor eight.

Even some shitty factor eight

would make the situation better.

God, I'd love some factor eight right now.

My gosh. A lake!

A f***ing lake! We're saved.

But I can't believe we never spotted that.

- It's a mirage, Neil.

- Is that Australian for lake?

It means cos you're hot,

you're seeing things.

- What if it is a lake?

- You're seeing things. It's an illusion.

If I was seeing things,

I'd be seeing cool things,

like Optimus Prime banging Katy Perry,

or Jay the size of a house but all

his fingers are Cadbury's Flakes.

- I want water more than anything.

- I'll get us water, Si. Don't worry.

This is it. We're saved.

Thank you, Bear Grylls!

No-o-o-o!

- I told him so.

- I know you did.

- Can we start panicking now?

- Yeah.

No-o-o-o!

I bet they use a sh*t picture.

What?

When they report us being dead,

I bet they use a picture

where my hair looks sh*t.

They'll have plenty to choose from.

And I'll be described as engaged,

for f***'s sake.

I bet Lucy'll love that.

She'll milk the attention, the cow.

- I don't think you'll be that bothered.

- I will.

I don't think you will be.

Cos, crucially, you'll be dead.

Stone f***ing dead, just like we all will.

God. I don't wanna die.

For f***'s sake, I'm too dehydrated to cry.

I wish my mum was here.

- Does she deliver water?

- She does when I'm nearby.

From her fanny.

I'm so f***ing thirsty.

Do you wanna try the spunk thing?

It's a bit like a salty smoothie.

I can't think of anything

I wanna do less right now than wank.

Jesus, things are even more serious

than I thought.

Neil, if you can piss

again now, I'll drink it.

You should really only drink your own, Si.

I'm so dehydrated, I can't piss.

Neil, please, help.

I'm dying.

Course, mate.

Sorry, Si. I've got no more piss.

That's all right, mate. Thanks for trying.

I was trying, Si, I really was.

It's just...

And there was that bit.

I'm hot, then cold, then hot.

- Then really cold.

- And you stink of piss.

I really didn't think

dying would be like this.

It's knackering to get wound up about it.

Just let it happen, I reckon.

No. Please fight it, Jay.

There's something I need to say.

What?

- Sorry.

- Mate.

I am. I'm sorry.

Just...

"30" '!-

It don't matter.

There's something

I always meant to ask you guys, too.

What is it, mate?

How long after a poo can you have sex?

Please don't make this my last thought.

I never found out, and...

Now I'll never know.

I can't see very well.

I think it's just the brightness.

Close your eyes.

- But you said...

- I know.

Here.

Neil.

- For bants.

- Yeah, for bants.

That's better.

Die, then?

Sorry, Dad.

Sorry, Jane.

It'll be like sleep, won't it, Si?

I've always liked sleep.

Yeah, it'll be OK, Neil.

All right, then.

Cheers.

Is this proper travelling?

Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

- Shall we?

- Yeah, I suppose.

Jesus Christ.

- Are you a mirage?

- I don't know.

Would a mirage call you a stupid c*nt?

We're saved! We're saved!

We're saved! We're saved! We're saved!

F*** me, you poms love a drama!

You've only been out here two hours.

We're alive!

Jane! Jane!

- Jane.

- Jay, my God. Look at you!

I love you. Will you marry me?

I'm sorry about the Wii Fit.

No, Jay.

- Is your lip all right?

- Yeah.

Jay, did you really come all this way

out here just to find me?

Yeah.

But...

not because I miss you,

but because I've got an STD,

and the doctor said I have to

tell all my former lovers,

and you're the last, number 6,004.

So, that's that dealt with. Good.

6,004?

Don't forget, a lot of them was orgies.

Everything's been rubbish since you left.

I work in a toilet and I live in a tent.

Come here.

So, do you wanna get back together?

No. No, that's definitely not happening.

- Hashtag dumped again.

- Come on, let's get you home.

Last time I saw something that soppy,

I was pulling my cock out of it.

- Let's head back to the farm.

- I'm not sure we're in a state to travel.

We need serious medical attention.

What you need is some f***ing after sun

and a beer.

Now, take your clothes

off and get in the ute.

Sh*t. Mum was right.

It's the best thing for the sunstroke.

You need the heat to

leave your body quickly.

Right, fine. Of course.

Plus, it makes you easier to rape.

We couldn't wait to leave the outback,

although some things

would stay with us forever...

mainly the sight of Neil's meaty penis.

Jane's boss rehydrated us, fixed the car

and then we headed back to civilisation...

if you can call Uncle

Bryan's house civilised.

Neil pissed all over my head,

but I didn't manage to drink any,

then we gave up.

But the stud farm sent

people to look for us,

and we were on the news -

they called us pommy morons.

Everyone has flown over,

they were worried.

But everything's changed, Luce.

I am so lucky to be alive.

And this world

is just the most beautiful thing.

You are so great

and I can't wait to get married.

I love you, Lucy.

I've been sleeping with Pete.

Sorry?

Me and your best man Pete

have been having sex.

Good sex.

Is this role playing again,

like when I said I'd bummed Will?

You're such a dopey prick.

I still can't believe

you come out of me nut sacks.

Your nut sacks?

I can't believe we're the same species.

Look at him, weedy and retarded.

He's like one of them X-Men freaks,

Doctor Lawn F***er or something.

My God, my petal, my darling!

- I missed you so much.

- I was lost in the desert too.

I don't really want to be friends,

but Pete said it'd be better if we were.

Wait a minute.

- You're breaking up with me?

- Yes.

So I'm single and now Pete

has to go out with you?

Yes, Simon!

Ye-e-e-s!

F***ing brilliant!

- Hello, Mrs McKenzie.

- Hello, Simon.

Your parents asked me

to check if you're OK.

Me? F***ing brilliant.

Absolutely f***ing brilliant.

Sorry, sir. Sorry. I didn't mean to swear.

Mr Gilbert? What are you doing here?

You have no jurisdiction.

Phil's just... helping me out

with a couple of things.

I don't follow. "Phil"?

Do I need to spell it

out for you, McKenzie?

OK.

Well, when a man loves a lady very much,

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