The Inbetweeners 2 Page #9

Yes, there is. You know there is.

Let it all flow out. We'll support you.

- There's no judgment here.

- So you keep saying.

In that case, I'd like to throw the poor

and disadvantaged onto the fire,

and the handicapped,

the homeless, and babies.

Yes, spazzy little African babies

riddled with malaria and AIDS.

There they go, onto the fire.

Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle.

- How's that?

- That is wrong.

Yep, thought it might be.

Excuse me.

I throw anger onto the fire.

- Yeah.

- Absolutely.

- Stephen?

- Infidelity.

Will you just f***ing let it go?

Will, are you OK?

Yeah.

- Sorry. I didn't mean to ruin it.

- No, you didn't.

No, we still had an amazing connection.

Good. That's good.

Listen, whatever your energy is

when you interact over fire stones,

that's your song, and your song is humour.

- Thank you.

- And also anger.

You have a large, quite

deep anger song in you.

Frustration, maybe.

And sometimes it's hard to hear the humour

song with the anger song singing so very loud.

You do like me, don't you, Katie?

Of course I do.

Sorry, Ben, this is a private party.

OK.

See you later.

Are you OK?

- That was horrible.

- What was?

Him just kissing you like that.

Do you want me to call somebody?

- He shouldn't get away with that.

- I know.

He can be such a tease.

- Tease?

- He knows that drives me crazy.

Crazy angry, right?

And tingly.

Bad tingly, like really

severe pins and needles?

God, no. Nice.

It's scary. I don't know how he does it.

What is happening here?

We've been having

this on/off thing for ages,

and he drives me mental

when we fight, but, in the end,

the animal urge, it's

just too much to ignore.

- You said he was a dick.

- Will, I wish you'd get to know him.

He is such a spiritual guy.

So you're with him, even

though you kissed me?

Will, I like you. I kissed you.

But I kiss a lot of people,

especially when I'm drunk.

What Ben and I have,

it's a deep lust for each other.

- It's spiritual.

- Right, that's the last time.

Even the dictionary

definition of spiritual,

which I looked up, suggests

it's about the soul,

another vague

and probably non-existent concept.

I don't think you get it. But that's cool.

No, no, I get it all right,

you patronising cow.

It's you twats that don't get it.

That's right, I called you twats.

Chill, Will.

Playing the guitar badly,

wearing beads, talking about one love,

pretending you're friends with Central American

villagers, who, by the way, despise you,

before heading to your parents'

five-bedroom house in Surrey,

doesn't make you a spiritual person,

it makes you a bellend.

I think you're right about his song, Katie.

F*** off, Ben! You don't believe

in songlines any more than I do.

It's just a way

to seem interesting to girls

because deep down,

you're boring and pretentious,

like your stupid f***ing dreadlocks,

which, by the way, always look

embarrassing on white people.

They're not countercultural.

They scream, "I've got a trust fund."

So get a normal haircut,

you unbearable prick. Goodbye.

I may have won the battle,

but I'd lost the war.

By now, my real friends

were hundreds of miles away,

but my fake friends

were a little too close to home.

- I don't lose.

- Ben.

I don't lose. I don't lose.

- I... don't... lose!

- Ben!

Riptide

and they come unstuck

Lady, running down to the riptide

Taken away to the dark side...

One ticket to Birdsville.

So thafll be $350.

- Have you flown this route before?

- No.

OK. You'll want these, then.

There's some sick bags,

because you are gonna be sick.

F***!

My Go-o-o-d!

- Get out, you pommy mongrels.

- See you later. They were nice.

Apart from when they tried to fight us.

It's the next property,

just down the Birdsville Track.

Yeah, not far now, mate.

- Wait! Wait!

- What the f*** is that?

Guys! Wait!

I think it's a prick.

I had to get here.

I'm just so lost at the

moment with uni and...

I know I've made some bad decisions

but I'm finding it hard to know who I am.

- Don't worry about that. Leave that.

- We'd better get going.

Listen, please.

I don't have many friends

and I thought those people...

Nudgies.

Get in.

Ooh, you're hard.

Holy Hell

Mandatory

We can get in the car,

we can give it a spin

Make a break from the crowd,

see how close we can get

Next farm! Next farm! Next farm!

Next farm! Next farm!

Next farm! Next farm...

Did they say exactly how

far the next farm is?

Sh*t. We're on the white

bit of the petrol meter.

Don't worry about that, that's a con, by car

makers and oil people, to get you to buy more.

I went to Portugal and

back on the white bit.

- I don't know. It looks quite low.

- Please, let's just keep going.

There's bound to be a petrol

station round here somewhere.

Sh*t.

Don't worry. I'll just coast

it for a couple of miles.

- It's very hot in here.

- Yeah, sorry about that. I had the heating on.

What now?

Wait for someone to pass by to help?

Bollocks. Just phone the AA

and they'll come pick us up.

How's the reception on your phone?

- F***!

- Exactly.

We should get out of the car, though.

It's an oven.

It's not that much cooler

out of the car, to be fair.

All right, we're in a bit of a spot here.

We've got to keep calm. Do not panic.

How much water have we got?

None.

OK. Bad start.

We'll be fine. There'll probably be

a wise old Aboriginal along any minute.

Think. In the two hours since we left

Birdsville, how many cars have we seen?

Ooh. None.

None is correct.

Now, how many wise old Aboriginals?

- None.

- None.

F***ing none. We aren't

in England any more.

We're somewhere genuinely dangerous.

Don't sh*t your pants. I know Australia.

- Someone will be along in a minute.

- But what if they aren't?

- They will be.

- Anyone want a drink?

- Have you got water?

- No, just wondered.

- I'm really thirsty.

- We need a survival plan.

No, I doubt it.

In the desert without

water, we'll die in a day.

- I think we're going to be fine.

- How, Simon?

Tell me how we're gonna be fine.

- People will be looking for us.

- Who?

Who even knows we're missing, or cares?

Your dad'?

Jay's uncle?

Your mum, if she wasn't

getting f***ed by a stranger.

It's nasty, but it's probably true.

- We could drink our piss.

- What?

It's all right. I do it occasionally.

I ate a bit of my spunk once too.

You're grim, mate.

I need a piss and it seems

a shame to waste it.

UP 'IO you.

Neil, do you have to do that here?

If you can't see it coming out the end,

it's not rude.

Wait a minute.

There's probably water in the windscreen

washer pot. We could share that out.

Perfect. This should keep us going.

Uncle Jay sorts it again.

- It was soap.

- Obviously.

Seriously, we do need a plan.

I saw that film where the bloke

got stuck in the desert but lived.

- What did he do?

- Cut his arm off with a penknife.

Right. Any other ideas?

I watched every episode

of Bear Grylls' Man Vs. Wild.

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