The Inbetweeners 2 Page #2

- Thanks, Mum.

It's...

a rape alarm.

What do you think is gonna happen to me?

- Petal, I think you might get raped.

- Right.

Sweetie, it's better to have a rape alarm

and not need it

than to get gang-raped in an alleyway by men

you may have, however innocently, led on.

- Hello, everyone.

- Hello, Kevin.

You sorry to see them leave?

Actually, it's handy Neil's going away.

Give me a chance to get some men in,

to decorate his bedroom.

- Virgin Atlantic flight V8301

- That's our flight.

I am gonna miss you, petal.

Yes, all right! Get off!

Be very careful, little soldier, OK?

- Your mum looks fit when she cries.

- Thank you.

- I bet she looked amazing when your dad left.

- Brilliant.

Off we went, running

away from our problems.

All I knew about Australia

was that if it could bite you,

sting you or eat you alive,

then it probably lived there.

But nothing had prepared us

for the beauty of Sydney Harbour.

And Neil was particularly impressed.

- What the f*** is that?

- What?

- That f***ing thing.

- The Sydney Opera House?

No, that thing, the spaceship.

The spaceship, there.

That's the sightseeing done.

We need to find this club.

Hang on. Got a signal now.

Googlemappage to the rescue.

It's this way.

No way! That just cost me 20 quid.

Data roaming charges

are pretty extortionate abroad.

- Well, I'll just stand still, then.

- That's not really how it works.

Another 20 quid?

I'm not roaming now, you

useless piece of sh*t!

- Just switch it off, Neil.

- Agh!

- Thanks a lot, Si. It's f***ed now.

- Not sure that was strictly my fault.

We left the harbour to find Jay,

to see if he really was

getting sucked off every morning.

Cannot wait to see DJ Big Penis

rocking da house.

No, nor can I.

Selfie

Ever taken a backpack

or a suitcase to a nightclub?

No, of course you haven't.

Because you're not a f***ing idiot.

Hey!

Let me take a selfie

We had nowhere to stay

and, surprisingly, Big Penis wasn't

the club's premier number one DJ.

Let me take a selfie

I don't get it. He said he worked here.

He also said he knocked out a koala

and f***ed the Minogues.

- Legend.

- He's not here.

Have to spend the night in a hostel.

Aren't hostels a bit pikey?

Hostels are how everyone does it, Simon.

Full of interesting people

who are travelling, like us.

I don't know. We visited Uncle Paul

in a hostel when he had cancer.

Wasn't very cool if I'm being honest.

- It also wasn't a hostel.

- Fine.

- If it's only one night, I suppose.

- Yeah.

- Least there might be some sexy nurses.

- There won't be.

Quick pizzle first?

That's it, sir.

Wash your fingers for the mingers.

No splash, no gash. No Armani, no punani.

No Dolce & Gabbana, no sucky your banana.

- Jay! Jay!

- F***.

- Jay?

- No, pal, the name's Bruce.

What? Shut up, Jay.

Sorry, I've never heard of this bloke Jay.

It's clearly not him. Let's go.

- So you're not Jay?

- It's Bruce, you f***ing drongo.

- But you've got Jay's face.

- Nah.

And your sign says

"Jay's Pussay Juice - dollar a squirt."

- Coincidence.

- What's happened to Jay? Is this a wind-up?

Course it's a bloody wind-up!

100% merked.

The looks on your faces.

You prize bellends.

I can't believe you fell for that.

- We didn't.

- It is you, Jay!

Epic bants!

All right, Neil, calm down.

Good to see you, man.

Just to clear one thing up, though.

You do work in a toilet, don't you?

I can see going to uni

hasn't made you any less of a retard.

Course I don't work in a f***ing toilet.

Why are you working in a toilet, then?

It's a joke!

Don't worry,

it probably went over your heads. Whoosh.

I run this whole club.

- I'm my own boss.

- Boss of a toilet.

Well, drinks are on you, then.

- What, now?

- Yeah, now.

Yeah, great, perfect.

Jay's story made complete sense.

If I ran a nightclub, I'd definitely dress like

a snooker player and hang out in the toilets.

I cannot wait to hear

the mad bants you've been having.

Mate, the bants in Australia

are legendary.

Cos I've been delivering most of the bants.

- I'm like Banta Claus.

- I've got bants.

- Nudgies.

- You twat!

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

My God!

What? You don't recognise me, do you?

Katie?

- Katie Evans from prep school?

- Maybe you do remember.

I'll never forget that sleepover

we had at Lloydie's house.

- I don't remember that.

- No, nor me.

How amazing to see you.

What an incredibly small world.

I don't know. Seems like every kid

from the Home Counties

- is out here doing a gap year.

- Yeah, what a cliche.

- So what are you up to?

- I'm doing a gap year.

The standard. India once, India twice.

Love, heartbreak, silent retreat.

Thailand, scuba diving, broken foot.

Nepal, volunteering, volcanoes.

Indonesia, healers, reiki,

cafes, tears, revelations,

amazing people, amazing conversations.

Unforgettable

and life-changing experiences. You?

I'm visiting my friend

who works in a toilet.

You always made me laugh, you nutter.

- What are you really doing?

- Travelling.

- Out here for four weeks.

- So you're on holiday.

No, travelling, I think.

What have you been up to without me?

Must have been sh*t.

- I've been at uni.

- That's bent.

What about you?

Been getting your dick wet?

- I went swimming.

- No, with fanny juice.

Right. Er, no, not really.

I worked in the garage.

Now I'm working in the bank.

- You know your cousin Michelle?

- Yeah.

- I fingered her.

- Neil.

Tell me you're not staying

in Sydney, are you?

- It's so banker.

- No.

I'm going to, erm...

- Er, where is it you're going?

- Byron Bay. It is awesome.

I've got a job there selling excursions, like

white-water rafting, zip lining, bungee.

I was actually just flyering to raise

some cash for the bus tomorrow.

Well, it's been nice to see you.

What? I haven't seen you in ages.

- Why don't you come to Byron?

- You're inviting me?

Of course I'm inviting you. Come to Byron.

Look, you would love the vibe.

It's so you. It's just totally chill.

Really, I'd love to,

but I'll have to ask the others.

I'll convince them.

- Is that them over there?

- No, no.

That's not them.

Erm, but I'm sure my actual friends

will be up for it.

Yay! Amazing!

Right, well, I will see you tomorrow, then.

- What?

- Nothing.

- See you later... alligator.

- Love it.

I'll see you on the bus tomorrow.

- Who was that?

- Katie Evans from junior school.

- Definitely my first love.

- That is well Jimmy Savile.

- Just an old friend.

- That you wanna have sex with.

She might wanna have sex with me.

- She kissed me on the lips.

- Tongues?

- No, but...

- No, that don't count.

- My mum used to kiss me on the lips.

- When you were a child.

Couldn't have done it any other time.

She ran off when he was ten.

Girls don't kiss people on the lips

they don't fancy.

She's one of those mouth-kissing girls.

I've met loads at uni.

- Have you?

- I met one and then Lucy punched her.

I'm not surprised Briefcase

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