The Inbetweeners 2 Page #3

has had a sniff.

Australia is the sex capital of the world.

That's why I'm here.

They call it down under cos that's where

your face spends most of the time.

- Banter.

- I've spent plenty of time in the bush.

- The bush around 'me pussays.

- Banks.

Check these out. My new bants.

Hashmg mad banks.

- I'm the Archbishop of Banterbury.

- Bantom of the Opera.

- I don't get it.

- Whoosh.

Bani and Dec.

- Someone needs tickets to the bantomime.

- Eric Bantona.

Just saying "banter" or "bants"

over and over again

is not a substitute

for actual amusing conversation.

Briefcase banter.

Jay, what are you doing? Your shift

doesn't end for another four hours.

- Good one, Lizzie.

- Get back to work.

Yeah, I'll tell you what, you pretend

to be my boss. It'll be hilarious.

Anyway, we'd better go.

Take one step outside that door,

you're f***ing sacked.

You mean you're sacked. I just sacked you.

- Don't play the prick. You can't sack me.

- Just did, mate.

I'll see you later. I've gotta go home.

Don't think we can't find another bottom

feeder to wipe piss off people's hands.

Good one, Lizzie.

I can't wait to see the mansion.

- Can I have a room with a hot tub?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So this is the mansion?

A tent in your uncle's front garden?

It's only temporary. My new f*** pad

is still under construction.

In your mind.

I can't believe I've travelled

literally halfway round the world

to spend a month in a two-man tent.

Jay?

- Did you sweep that veranda this morning?

- Yes, Uncle Bryan.

Who are these pale little bastards?

- You butt-f***ing boys in your tent?

- No, Uncle Bryan.

These are my friends from England.

Simon and Neil.

- And...?

- And Will.

Uncle Bryan, Cousin Shane.

- How's Australia treating you fellas?

- What a place. So interesting...

Greatest f***ing country on Earth.

I keep telling Jay that he should move

here, but he won't. Too much of a p*ssy,

which is a shame, cos we could do with

some white immigration for a change.

Right.

Jay told us about the sheilas

he's been shagging.

Has he? Well, that's bullshit.

Closest this little runt's come to some vag

is when the dog

dripped period down his leg.

- Don't pretend you didn't get a boner.

- Good one, Bry.

- What's that?

- Nothing, Uncle Bryan.

Hey, some nights for shits and giggles, me

and Shano shine a torch through the tent,

we can see him sitting up, all silhouetted

like, bashing away on his little platypus.

You understand when I say platypus

I mean cock?

- Yeah.

- And guess what?

He's gone and dug a hole in

the ground to f***.

I'm just kidding. It's a wormhole,

cos his dick's so small. Get it?

But I'm not kidding about the hole,

he has got that, and a small dick,

which he fucks the hole in the ground with.

Right.

- We should put our stuff in the tent.

- Yeah, all right. I'll see youse later.

Hey, careful you don't

fall in the f*** hole.

- He's nice, isn't he?

- He's all right. He's just...

- Australian?

- Yeah.

It's pretty obvious we can't

stay in here for four weeks.

I propose we go travelling.

My gosh. Think of the bants!

If we're travelling,

there's only one place to go.

Ooh. Uluru?

The Great Barrier Reef? Fraser Island?

No, none of that boring sh*t.

Splash Planet.

- I'm sorry?

- Splash Planet.

The whole of Australia and you're

suggesting we visit a water park?

If you hadn't spent the last six months

at uni wanking off to Shakespeare,

you'd know that water parks

are the ultimate place to f*** girls.

Scientists have proved the water pressure on

their clitties gives them such a wide-on,

when they get off the rides,

they're gagging for it.

- No word of a lie.

- Some word of a lie.

Where did the scientists get their

funding from? The University of Sex?

F*** off!

F***ing leave me alone! Can I not have

one f***ing day without you abusing me?

- Is that your mum?

- No, Lucy. She's burnt my trainers.

You need to end it, Si.

I know. I know.

Get your dad to text her,

tell her you've died. That's what I do.

Right. I think at least I need to

tell her to her face.

My uncle's got Skype.

Go and dump the nightmare now.

That's unfair. You don't know her.

Though she is a f***ing nightmare.

- I'll do it, Si.

- No, it's all right. I'm going.

- Wish me luck.

- Bad luck.

Close enough.

Yo.

- Hey! Beer?

- No, thanks.

Is it OK to use the computer?

Yeah, course it is, mate.

Jay's always on there chubby chasing.

OK, I've worked it out.

We wanna go travelling,

you wanna go to Splash Planet,

which means the best place

to stay is here, Byron Bay.

Where mouth-kiss bird is?

It's 20 minutes outside Splash Planet,

on the beach, there's loads of cool hostels

and it's easy to get jobs

should we need money.

I've always wanted to be a dolphin trainer.

- Have you?

- You should go to Splash Planet.

- You'll get that job there.

- You won't.

Look, we're English, right?

Just finishing school in England makes us

ten times cleverer than any Australian.

We're like doctors or rocket scientists

over here. You can get any job you want.

- Even dolphin trainer?

- Course.

Turn up, tell 'em your English.

I am 100% certain that is not

how you get a job as a dolphin trainer.

Who's been living in Australia

for months? Me, that's who.

Yes, in a tent.

You calling your mummy

for a good night kiss?

No, I have...

I have to Skype my girlfriend.

You got a girlfriend?

Well done, mate.

Looking at you, no of fence, I'm amazed.

- What's wrong with her?

- Erm, nothing.

I'll be the judge of that.

Give us a look at her.

F*** me dead, she's gorgeous, mate.

- Right. Yeah, I suppose so.

- Suppose?

Mate, if that was my sheila,

I wouldn't leave her side.

- You're getting married, right?

- Errn, no.

No? F*** me, mate.

Look at that. Then look at you.

You could live to be a billion,

you'll never get a root better than that.

We sometimes argue a bit,

and we're quite young.

Cash your chips, mate.

That's the best you'll get ever.

At last. Where have you been?

- I haven't heard from you in days.

- I've been on a plane.

That was yesterday, you f***ing moron.

Look, I think we need to talk.

I've checked your emails.

They're clean for now.

What's there to talk about?

- Look, I wanted to say...

- Will you marry me?

- What was that?

- No, no. What, what it was...

Simon.

- No, what it was was...

- Say it again.

What, will you marry me?

Yes! Yes!

My God! I thought you'd never ask.

- No, wait a minute, Lucy...

- What? What?

Nothing.

I'm so happy.

My God. Where's my...

Where's my phone? I need to ring people.

Congratulations, mate.

Where's my phone?

Here he is.

- Well?

- I can't go back home now.

- She didn't take being dumped too well?

- Did not dump her. Have agreed to marry her.

Well done.

You bellend!

Have I just f***ed up my entire life?

Course not. Just cos you promise people

stuff doesn't mean you have to do it.

I once told Comic Relief I'd raise three

million quid by selling selfles of my cock.

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