The Inbetweeners 2 Page #4

- In the end, didn't bother.

- Right. I mean, I...

- Not sure how that helps my situation.

- Make something up.

The drive up to Byron's 12 hours.

We'll think of something.

Drive? I thought we were taking the bus.

F*** that. I've got a car.

Bought it off Cousin Shane.

And considering it's an awesome

custom job, he done me a great deal.

Let's sleep on it. I'd like to get the bus

but I'm sure we can reach a compromise.

You're gonna keep talking

till we do what you want?

No.

I wouldn't sleep there, Simon.

Hunger

0h

So, compromise reached,

the next day we did what I wanted

and headed to the bus station,

which was full of other cool people

travelling to Byron Bay.

The Darien Gap is really all that's

left of untouched jungle in the world.

- Yeah.

- I'm going to do South America.

- I might try it.

- Yeah, you don't really try it.

It's a five-day trek

and you only sleep in hammocks.

Man, I got the shits so bad,

they used up the whole group's

medical supplies treating me.

It's so dangerous,

most guides won't even take you.

- Yeah, I found that.

- Shame.

So I walked it by myself,

unaccompanied, Panama to Colombia.

Unaccompanied? I...

- I thought that was illegal.

- It is, yeah,

but it's better that way,

because you meet the real locals

and there's none of that luxury bullshit

like hammocks and medical supplies.

So if you do get the shits,

or malaria, like I did,

then you just get on with it,

do you know what I mean?

Wow. What an experience.

Sounds incredible. Amazing stuff.

I'm Will, by the way.

You know, I used to have long hair too.

Not dreads, but erm... pretty long.

Yep. Had it all cut

just before we came out travelling.

Well, that's an interesting story.

Will, you made it.

Byron, here we come.

So you've met the rest of the gang?

We were chatting about South America,

my experiments with hair styles and sh*t.

Classic travelling sh*t.

I got you that McFlurry.

Jay says get a f***ing move on.

- So are you guys travelling too?

- Yeah.

Yeah. It's my second

foreign holiday in a year.

- First we all went Malia.

- We went ironically.

It was brilliant.

They had jet skis you could rent.

Wow. Do tell us more.

They're like motorbikes

without wheels but on water.

Good one!

- I'm Neil Sutherland as it goes.

- Ben.

- Is that your whole name?

- No.

Does it matter'? It's Ben Thornton-Wilde.

- Which one?

- What?

- Thornton or Wilde?

- It's double-barrelled.

Choose one

depending on how you're feeling?

No, no, those...

those are both my last name.

What? Shut up.

That is mental.

Will, Ben here has got two last names, but it's

actually just one name. Have you heard of that?

Yeah. Yeah, I've heard of that.

"TANNOY".

Koala Coaches departure to Byron Bay...

Finally.

"TANNOY".

Departing now at stand 14.

- Are you coming, then?

- Me? No.

- I thought you were coming north with me.

- I am, just not on the bus.

My friends wanted to travel by car, so...

So you've been waiting at a bus station

for ages in your backpack

even though you're going by car?

- That's a bit weird, isn't it?

- Yeah. See you in Byron.

So off we went. We didn't know exactly

how to get to Byron Bay.

So we just followed the

bus that Katie was on,

perhaps a little too closely.

She looks well freaked out.

- Might it have anything to do with the car?

- Doubt it.

- A few questions about the car...

- Fire away.

Just why did you buy it?

I needed a cool set of wheels

and Shano did me a deal.

Is Shano a big Peter Andre fan?

Shane's not stupid.

The birds love Peter Andre.

Not sure anyone loves anything

enough to have sex with Shano.

What are you talking about?

He got so much anal in here,

I had to hose down the footwell.

This is the classic Aussie Shaggin' Wagon.

- Is it?

- It's the f*** truck.

- The mobile virgin conversion unit.

- We should use it on Will.

- Brilliant.

I can't wait to get a job training dolphins,

even though it's bad how they're treated.

Did you know, all they

feed 'em is raw fish?

That is grim.

I'd puke if all I ate was fish.

That is bang out of order.

- Imagine it, just raw fish.

- Their diet is fish.

- Yeah, cos that's all they're given.

- But also because that's what they eat.

It's so cruel, you know.

No burgers, no KFC, no Nando's on

birthdays, nothing. How would you like it?

Well, if all I ate was fish,

I probably wouldn't mind it.

All right, yes or no,

how would you like to just eat raw fish?

Well, if I was a dolphin...

- Yes or no?

- You can't compare...

- Yes or no?

- They're marine biologists.

- Yes or no?

- It's not as simple as...

Only raw fish, yes or no?

- No!

- Correct.

"Bryan Bay", next left.

Finally, we made it to Byron Bay,

and I'd never seen anywhere like it.

It was buzzing with life,

or in Jay's opinion,

absolutely rammed full of beliends.

But if there was one place where a car

featuring Peter Andre and a pair of tits

wouldn't raise an eyebrow,

it was the Arts Factory Lodge hostel.

OK, Jay. Please park the car

where no-one can see it.

No.

Ben. Ben, mate!

- Man. I meant "man".

- Hey, guys. How's the holiday'?

What's on the tourist

itinerary for tomorrow?

Ha! That's funny. You

know we're not tourists.

- Splash Planet.

- I'm gonna work with dolphins.

- Start at the bottom, work my way up.

- Like father, like son.

His dad's bent.

I'll begin with the easy stuff,

cleaning out their cages and that.

So participating in

the enslavement of animals. Wow.

- Have you heard of ethically travelling?

- Is that with Ryan Gosling?

OK, er... we'll see you around.

Yeah, great.

- When?

- What?

I just wondered

when you'd see us around.

Is there a good time?

- It's a figure of speech.

- Cool. Catch you later, mate.

Mate? Man. Man.

He's all right, isn't he?

No, not really.

The hostel was laid-back, cool

and the kind of place where anything goes.

Anything except, it seemed, deodorant.

Smells a bit in here.

Shotgun.

Unlucky. Top-bunk wankers.

F*** off, Neil. I want some hottie

above me, not your rotting arsehole.

I just wanna be near you.

I've been thinking.

Do we really need to go to Splash Planet?

Yes. Yes, we do.

But it's so tacky and

gaudy and full of idiots.

- It's my lifetime's ambition.

- You first mentioned it yesterday.

- Don't kill my dreams, Will.

- Hello, nutter.

You made it.

So, er, what are you up to tomorrow?

Any plans?

We thought we might travel

somewhere ethical, an Aboriginal... cave.

That's a shame.

I'm going to Splash Planet.

It looks brilliant.

It does, doesn't it?

- You just said it was tacky.

- What? Shut up.

You said it was full of idiots.

Are you an idiot, Katie?

They're being funny.

Stop being so funny, you guys.

Well, I must be an idiot, then,

because I think it looks amazing.

I can get you tickets if you like.

Really? Fantastic.

- Four, please.

- Cool. Done.

Right, I'm gonna go and sit by the fire.

Fancy coming?

Yeah. I just need to Skype home first.

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