The Inbetweeners 2 Page #5

My mother worries.

Crazy. Right, well, I'll

see you in a bit, then.

- You all right?

- Wait, I'm thinking.

- About what?

- Wait.

What is it?

Has anyone ever said anything less cool

to a girl than "My mother worries"?

"Bye-u '

Splash Planet wasn't one of

the great Australian tourist attractions

but it did have one sight I wanted to see.

Katie in a bikini.

First, I just had to Skype

the other woman in my life.

- Really?

- I haven't seen your mum for six months.

I need to refresh the

image in the wank bank.

Surely watching Simon dump Lucy

has to be more fun than this.

Nothing's more fun than your mum.

Hello, darling. I can't see you.

Yeah, you've not got your video on,

same as every time.

- Where's the button?

- Where it always is.

Where I have to point you

every single time we Skype.

Then move the camera down, remember?

- What camera?

- Come on. We've done this.

The camera. It's on top of the laptop.

- Just tip the lid forward.

- How's that?

- Move it up!

- Perfect.

Is that Neil?

- Can you both just f*** off?

- Don't be rude to your friends.

- He gets grump grumps when he gets tired.

- Just move the camera back.

Finally.

Look, I just wanted to check in,

tell you I've met some great new people...

Is... is Grandma staying over?

No. Why would you say that?

You've got two bowls and two mugs out

for breakfast.

Yes, so I have.

So who's staying over?

Your grandma.

You just said she wasn't.

Did I?

Think it must be the connection, darling.

Yeah, terrible connection.

You're breaking up.

I love you. Speak soon.

She's getting f***ed, I reckon.

Meanwhile, it was second time lucky

for Simon.

The only way this Skype with Lucy

could go worse than the first

was if he somehow got her pregnant.

Hello, baby boo.

I love you.

- Lucy?

- Come on.

- Now you say it.

- No.

Look, there's something

I need to do right now.

- Put it away. There are elderly people present.

- What the f***?

Popped round to see our

new daughter-in-law.

Simon, we're so delighted for you.

You'll have to start planning

as soon as you get back.

- Thanks for stating the f***ing obvious.

- Oi, this is a happy occasion.

It's OK. It's an emotional time.

Come on, Pam,

let's leave these love birds to it.

Don't you two get carried away.

Me and Mum have seen plenty of videos that

start like this on the internet. Plenty.

Alan, please.

They're so nice.

They're f***ing idiots.

We've all agreed on a date, so that's good.

- You've set a date?

- And I've got all my bridesmaids sorted.

I just hope Jane will

come back from Australia.

No, Lucy, I'm in Australia,

not Jane, remember?

I'm not f***ing senile, Simon.

I know you're there. She's there too.

- Why didn't you mention it?

- I'm sorry.

I forgot I'm meant to give you

minute-by-minute updates

on my friends' movements.

OK, so Suzanne is moving in with Steve

because she's missed her period.

And Louise is back in Coventry

because she's self-harming again.

Is that enough detail?

Yes, that's great, thank you.

The vibe at the hostel was incredible

and it was clear we weren't at home any more.

Things were different,

and it was nice to see that Simon,

Neil and especially Jay

were embracing this new environment.

No! Why is there always

some c*nt with a guitar?

If anyone starts playing

the bongos, I'm leaving.

If the bongos start, I'm

burning the place down.

Open your minds, guys.

We're backpacking now.

- Get into the backpacking vibe.

- Vibe?

We're by a fire listening

to some posh prick play guitar.

- How much more backpacking can it get?

- Please don't ruin this for me.

Katie.

Nudgies.

- Enjoy the trip?

- Are you OK?

Yep. Yep. Totally fine. Good one, man.

- Looks like you've got front-row seats.

- Yeah. Lucky me.

At least you're here to

cheer me up, though. Hi.

Katie, can I play you a song?

No, I'm good, thanks.

God, that guy can be such a dick.

- Really?

- Yeah. Look at him.

He always has to be the

centre of attention.

How can anyone wear that many friendship

bracelets? No-one has that many friends.

How is giving a stinking piece of string

a show of friendship?

I know, right?

I mean, I only wear, what, like seven.

Actually, I made one for you.

- D'you want it?

- Yeah, great. I love these.

OK, Katie, this is your last chance.

What can I play for you?

How about The Sound Of Silence?

What the f***?

Jay, you know Jane's

in Australia, right?

- What? Who?

- The fat bird that dumped you.

She did not f***ing dump me, Neil.

- But you cried.

- Tears of joy probably.

Well, Lucy told me Jane's

here in Australia.

So? Like I give a sh*t.

- Weird, though. Amazing coincidence.

- Maybe she's come to get you back.

She should be so lucky.

You know the first rule of Banter Brigade.

- You're only allowed one fatty?

- Ha!

No, that...

that is a very funny joke, though, but no.

What is it again? I know it, but

I've just forgotten for a minute.

- All the Fs...

- Yeah.

Find 'em, f*** 'em, forget 'em.

No, Neil. All the Fs.

Find 'em, Frenchy 'em, get 'em frothy,

finger 'em, frig 'em,

film 'em, flange 'em, flick 'em,

fanny fart 'em, f*** 'em, frot 'em,

fist 'em, felch 'em, finish with 'em

and then finally forget about 'em.

Just like what I done with Jane,

or whatever her name was.

Sorry, I switched off after "frig".

You aren't bothered

about Jane being here?

No.

Did you know that laughter

is intensely spiritual?

So that means that you're very spiritual.

- Would you say you're spiritual?

- Erm...

It's quite a vague way

to describe a whole person.

Could you just narrow it down at all?

So, what I'm saying, right,

is that I think you're spiritual.

Yep, and I'm saying that's great...

Really great, but what do you mean?

Don't wanna sign up for something I'm not.

OK.

Actually, I've had a think about it

and I am spiritual.

I knew it!

Do you wanna get drunk?

On goon? Yes, please.

Did you really not know

Jane was in Australia?

Don't talk bollocks, Si.

If I'd have known that,

why would I have come here?

Because you wanna get her back?

Because you miss her?

- Is your lip all right?

- Yep.

She's at the water park, isn't she?

That's why you wanna go.

I made a mistake, all right?

I made a mistake

and I'm trying to make it better.

- Why didn't you see her before?

- I was building up to it.

And now you're here, I'm gonna do it.

So just don't f***ing tell anyone.

- Tell anyone what?

- About your dad's world record.

- My dad's got a world record?

- Yeah. Most dogs' c*cks in one mouth.

Hey, hey, hey! It's the dudes.

How are we, dudes?

Am I right in thinking my young friends

might be up for a little...?

Darts?

I don't think they've got a board.

You guys are so funny.

No. Anyone mind if I skin up? As if.

See, Stephen?

Nobody f***ing minds!

That's right, run away from our problems

like you always do.

F***.

F***ing leave me alone.

God, do I really have

to marry that lunatic?

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