The Incredible Jessica James

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1

I think it's really dangerous

to seek personal fulfillment

through romantic relationships.

I do.

I'm just letting you know. FYI.

Uh...

You shouldn't need other people

to validate or define you.

I shouldn't?

No, you shouldn't. Nobody should.

Oh, yeah. No. Totally.

- Can I get you something to drink?

- No, thank you.

Drinking is basic AF.

Oh, yeah. I guess.

I'll get you some waters.

- Thank you.

- Awesome.

- Totes presh.

- Totes presh.

- What?

- Totes presh.

So, uh...

- have you been on Tinder long or...

- All right.

I'm gonna stop you right there

because I'm not loving the whole vibe

of this interaction so far.

And I would literally

rather have my period

for a thousand years, non-stop,

than continue this portion

of the conversation.

Huh?

You mentioned something earlier

about wanting to bone?

- Oh. Yeah. Yeah.

- See right here on Tinder, we matched.

- Right.

- Awesome.

And then, I texted you, "Hi."

And you said, "S'up?"

And I was like, "Not much."

- And then you said, "Want to bone."

- "Want to bone?" I guess I did.

- Do you remember that?

- I... I guess I do. Yeah.

So, did you come here tonight

expecting to bone?

- Yes.

- It's not gonna happen.

Well, what happened?

Did I do something wrong?

Kind of.

It's like, when I walked in,

you just shook my hand.

Well, what should I have done?

I don't know. Maybe you should have, like,

grabbed me by the shoulders,

and whispered something real sexy

in my ear.

- Like what?

- Like...

"Go in the bathroom

and take off your panties.

I want to smell 'em."

And you would have done that

if I told you to do that?

Maybe. I don't know.

There's a huge chance I would have

just punched you in your ding-a-ling.

But who knows?

Sort of in this weird transitional phase

in my life

where I don't know what I'm gonna do next.

- I'm going through a really bad breakup.

- Oh.

- Yeah. It sucks.

- Yeah.

That's really the only reason

why either of us are here right now.

- What does that mean?

- He usually comes on Fridays.

So I was hoping

that he'd catch us together,

and then he would freak out

- and be like super devastated.

- Wait, what?

Oh, my God. He's here. He's here.

- He's here right now.

- Are you kidding? He's here now?

Oh, frick me. He's brought a date,

and she's super-hot.

I didn't even know

he liked girls like that.

- Don't turn around!

- Well, what do you want me to do?

I don't know.

Act like we're gonna have sex later.

How do you act like

you're going to have sex?

Be sexual. Do you want me

to have to figure this out for you?

- Figure it out.

- I...

Hey, Jess.

Hey, Damon.

It's great to see you've moved on already.

After only two-and-a-half months

of not dating.

Three-and-a-half months, actually. But...

Hi. I'm Heather.

I'm sure you are.

What's that supposed to mean?

- You tell me.

- Yeah. Um...

We're gonna go eat outside.

- But, um, nice to see you, Jess. Honestly.

- Mm-hm.

Wish I could say the same to you.

But I can't.

Because you broke my heart

into a million little pieces.

Take a deep breath in.

And out.

Deep breath in.

And out.

Deep breath in.

And out.

Hands out of your pockets, please.

Right at your sides.

Oh, boy.

Okay.

Now, close your eyes.

I want you to imagine

that you're on the beach.

- What beach?

- Any beach.

San Diego Beach?

That would be included

in the options for any beach, yes.

I hate beaches.

Okay. Just imagine it anyway.

It's a sunny day.

There's a sweet breeze in the air.

You take off your shoes

and you wiggle your toes in the sand.

Did I bring sunscreen?

No, you didn't. But your mom did.

And she's rubbing it on your back

right now.

Tell me what you see.

- Water.

- Good.

Is it calm? Or are there waves?

Waves.

Tell me what you hear.

I hear the waves?

People splashing.

Laughing.

I don't hear anything.

That's okay. Just relax and try.

What do you smell?

- Suntan lotion.

- Salt.

Hamburgers.

Seaweed.

What do you feel?

Good.

Warm.

- Hungry.

- Happy.

I don't feel anything.

Well, what's that like?

I don't know.

It doesn't feel like anything?

All right, let's try something else.

I want you to think about feeling nothing.

And, I mean, really think about it.

And I want you to write a paragraph on it

for class next week.

Four sentences minimum.

Do you think you can do that?

Do I have to?

This is theater, Shandra.

We don't have to do any of this.

We do it simply because we must.

What?

What do you a**holes know, anyway? Hm?

"Oh, nothing.

We're just collectively responsible"

for the success

of every major dramatic writer

"in the past 100 years."

Oh, okay. Tight.

I can get over us not being together.

Really, I can.

Look at me.

I'm tall, I'm pretty, I'm smart.

I am a coco queen.

Obviously,

I will have many great loves in my life.

It's just...

I feel like I lost my best friend

and it really sucks.

- Are those for the guests?

- Yes.

All right. So, we're done here?

- Hi.

- Hi.

- What are you doing?

- Oh, yes.

- This is exactly what I want.

- No, no, no.

We're supposed to be serving this stuff.

- It's so good.

- Mm-hm.

You know, when you invited me

to come here,

I thought I would be a guest, not serving.

It's $500 a ticket.

And I thought you needed the money.

- Oh, I do need the money.

- You're gonna get us both fired.

Relax, girl. These are my people.

I'm mingling.

Okay, this is like, old money,

theater-subscribing Manhattan.

These are so not your people.

Have you been talking to them about Damon?

Yeah, yeah, but...

I'm going through a process right now.

Okay, I'm standing in my own truth.

- Dude, you need to get out.

- I am out.

No, no, you need to go on a date.

A real one.

Ew, no. Dating's the worst.

Have you ever actually seen a man eat?

Like, there's never been a grosser thing.

I've seen a live birth before.

And it's still not close to a man

eating a piece of chicken.

Oh, my God! I actually know somebody.

- Is he cute?

- Yes.

What's his deal?

He's divorced.

Tasha, there has never been a redder flag.

It's perfect. You guys can just rebound

right off of each other.

On to each other and into each other,

and just like...

- Are you talking about sex?

- Hetero-ing... Yes.

- How old is he?

- Thirty. Tops. Maybe just a little older.

And he's already failed at marriage?

So, what? Life is just a series

of failures in the first place. So...

- What?

- What?

He is nice.

- You'll have fun.

- I don't want to have fun.

What do you want?

- You ready?

- Yeah, I'm ready.

You're about to win the award

for best playwright ever of all time.

Really? I don't even know

they made that award.

Well, they just made it for you.

- For me?

- Mm-hm.

- Oh, my gosh. Thank you, everybody.

- Mm-hm.

So, we're at the ceremony.

And you don't know you're about to get it.

- What do I think we're here for?

- I don't know.

- Hamilton?

- Keep going.

Then, Oprah comes out.

And she announces to the whole world

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