The Infidel Page #2

we're proper muslims.

[ scoffs ]

we are proper muslims.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

I meant observant ones,

you know?

Rashid, listen.

Look, I may not say my namaz

five times a day, okay?

I may not even,

you know, fast

Every day

of ramadan, you know?

And, now and again,

A small sip of the old pale ale

passes my lips.

But in here, in here,

by the name of the prophet,

Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam,

allah lives, okay?

Come on.

Okay, dad.

Of course.

I just need that

to be clear, you know?

When the time comes,

I think maybe it's

what they would have wanted.

[ sighs ]

you're right.

All right.

I promise, okay?

I promise that when

fundamentalist fatty fatwa face

Comes around...

Dad.

...I'll be very --

don't do that.

I'm joking.

I promise that

when uzma's stepdad pops by,

I will be the best muslim

I can be.

Hey?

Thanks, dad.

Come on.

Thanks.

Come on,

let's finish up the job.

Subhan'allah,

look at all this stuff.

God, my dad's military service,

discharge certificate.

You got mum's

birth certificate.

You got my birth...

Certificate.

Saamiya?

Huh?

Where's my mother now?

In jannah.

She's flying with your father

through the seven skies.

My father.

Woman:

Well, mr. Nasir,

I think we can think

only one thing, really.

You were adopted

at the age of 2 weeks

From the whitechapel branch

of the waifs and strays society.

Waifs and strays?

What was I,

a golden retriever?

It's now simply called

the children's society.

Right.

So, who are

my real parents?

Ah, we don't tend to use

the word "real"

In these cases, mr. Nasir.

Oh, what word

would you use?

Would you use "lazy"

or "irresponsible"

Or "couldn't quite be bothered

to bring me up" parents?

"birth."

we say "the birth parents."

Ah, okay, sorry.

So who are my "birth" parents?

Can you not do that

inverted-commas thing?

Yes, all right.

Yes, yep.

If you wish to trace

your real parentage,

You will have to go

to one of the agencies

That deal with that.

They'll put you in touch

with a counselor...

Just the name.

...After which --

Just the real name,

my birth name. I need to know.

I'm sorry,

but my hands are tied.

Mrs. Keyes, please.

In my culture, a man's name

is really important to him.

I'm afraid not.

Just --

just the first name.

Look, you may have had

no name at all.

Many waifs and strays

do not.

Okay, well,

just check that, please.

I'm -- I'm sorry I'm taking

your time, miss.

No -- uh, you do --

did.

So, there you go.

Um, well, c-can you tell me

what the name was?

I'm sorry.

I said I wouldn't tell you that.

No, no.

No, you didn't.

You said you wouldn't tell me

my whole name.

Look, I can't trace anything

with just nothing!

All right, all right.

Will you go

if I tell you?

Yes, I'll be happy --

really happy -- to go.

[ sighs ]

Well, what is it?

Is it akbar? Omar?

Jamal?

I've always liked "jamal."

Solly.

Solly? Solly?

No, there's got to be

some mistake in the records.

Can I just look at that,

please?

No, you said you'd go.

Come on, please.

That's before I knew my name

was solly.

Now, see here.

Just have a quick look.

Please, please, please.

Mrs. Keyes, please.

Mr. Nasir,

I will call security.

I need to look at it.

I need to look at it.

I need to look at it,

please. Thank you.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Shimshiz--

I think it's pronounced

"shimshileewitz."

Security.

Solly shimshileewitz.

Yes.

No.

But that would mean

I was --

I-I-I was --

Yes, mr. Nasir,

As, indeed, it goes on to

confirm later in the document,

In common with many people

living in this area at the time,

You are, by birth, jewish.

[ laughs ]

no.

No, but I can't be.

I mean, look at me.

I'm so obviously not.

[ scoffs ]

Well, it's not what it says

here, mr. Nasir,

And you are also,

at the present time, leaving.

Thank you.

Oh, what?

Give me a break.

You find out

you're jewish,

And suddenly some bloke in

a uniform is leading you away?

That's ridiculous.

Come on!

the virgin mary

had a baby boy

the virgin mary

had a baby boy

the virgin mary

had a baby boy

and they say

that his name is jesus

he came from the glory

he came

from the glorious kingdom

he came from the glory

he came

from the glorious kingdom

oh, yes, believe us

oh, yes, believe us

he came

from the glorious kingdom

[ folk music plays ]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I drank some beer.

I'm sorry I fancied that

pram-faced tart in tesco.

Please just make it

not true -- please.

[ man chanting in ara bic ]

Hello, george.

Daniel, how are you?

Very good. Very good.

You're looking well.

Easy, easy!

Excuse me. Do you mind

just watching where you're...

Man:
A fabulous track there

by cat stevens,

Or yusuf islam,

I should say.

Morning, jew.

Morning.

What would you like

for breakfast?

Crunchy bread.

Sorry,

did you just say --

Daddy?

Yes, darling?

Can you do up my jews?

What are you talking about?

Mmm. There's too much jew

in this tea.

Sorry, did I say "tea"?

I meant "jew."

Ah-jew!

Ah-jew!

Well, look,

I've got to go to work.

[ speaking hebrew ]

Yes, good.

I need to study this.

[ bell tolls ]

[ rock music playing,

people cheering ]

[ man singing indistinctly ]

[ snoring ]

[ laughs ]

mahmud.

Mahmud!

[ speaking arabic ]

wake up! Mahmud!

Mahmud, wake up.

[ laughs ]

have you been here all night?

Come, come.

Stand, stand, stand.

Oh, geez.

You've fallen asleep.

It's okay.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, I got to go back.

Christ,

my wife will kill me.

[ sighs ]

Imam...

Yes? What?

There's something I'd like

to talk to you about.

Is it about rashid

and uzma?

I mean, I know it's

a little heavy

That al-masri's her stepdad,

a little "wtf?"

No. Well, yeah.

No, no, no.

That's not it, though.

Here's the thing --

I've just found out something

about myself.

Ah, a difficult thing?

[ sighs ]

you're telling me.

Something that deeply challenges

your idea of yourself?

Yes, yes, exactly.

I think I know what it is

you're trying to tell me.

You do?

Yes.

You're not the first.

Really?

No.

I mean, the thing is, the qur'an

is pretty rigid on this.

Yes, of course.

But islam is about mercy

and interpretation,

And my interpretation

is this --

If you're gay,

you're gay.

Oh, for christ's sake,

no --

yeah.

Now, now, I know

al-araf ayah 80 states

That ye who practice their lusts

upon men as opposed to women

Rain down on them

a shower of brimstone.

That's not actually --

it sounds bad, I know.

But I think that brimstone

Is already raining

down on you inside.

Yes, but --

And maybe that's enough

for allah.

No, well --

do I look like --

Now, the punishment for this

is death by stoning,

Some say.

But if you read my book,

"islam:
The other voices,"

You'll find a whole host

of evidence that suggests

That when two men...

[ speaking indistinctly ]

Well, have you see those

christian louboutins again?

No.

Well, agyness deyn

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