The Infidel Page #3

has stopped wearing them,

So, of course,

now they're all sold out.

To be honest, they look a bit

orthopedic boot.

It's like having a club foot.

[ laughs ]

Muna, mahmud didn't come home

last night.

[ speaking indistinctly ]

Just afraid to answer

the phone.

The thing is, right,

my mother used to say --

We are all hezbollah now!

Nabi, fish fingers?

Kill the unbelievers!

Nabi!

The thing is,

my mother used to say

That when men's mothers die,

they go a bit...Mental.

They're

midlife-crisis-y.

Hmm. Well, has he

recently got a motorbike?

No.

Tattoo?

No.

Back wax?

I wish.

Well, what

about the other thing

That midlife crisis-y

men do?

No.

Honestly.

I read about it in grazia.

What you have to do is,

when he comes back,

Keep an eye out for anything

which might suggest

He's been near

somebody else's perfume.

You think

he would actually --

[ snickers ]

Of course not!

This is mahmud

we're talking about!

[ door opens, closes ]

Mahmud?

I need to take a shower.

Jew! Jew! Jew! Jew!

Aah!

So, I'm dying to know.

How was the big day?

I don't know.

It was a weird wedding --

Catering by al-qaeda.

Check out

their bridesmaids' quarters.

Oh, jesus.

I'm still hoping for an upgrade

to a room in abu ghraib.

[ lau ghs ]

So, how did it go

with your dad?

Actually not bad,

you know?

He seemed to take it

quite seriously.

And I'm keeping him sweet.

I found this clip of this '80s

pop star he likes, right?

And -- wow!

Dad, you look great.

Doesn't he look great?

[ lau ghs ]

Mr. Nasir,

you look lovely.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Um, can I use my computer,

please?

Yeah.

Bye, darling.

Bye, rashid.

I love you.

And, mr. Nasir,

thank you so much.

Dad, look at this.

It's a "support palestine"

rally

That uzma's stepdad's

gonna be talking at next week.

I thought we should go,

you know, show willing, hmm?

Is the bloke with the hook

gonna be there?

You know I'm fond of him.

Dad, it's a just cause,

one we all believe in.

Oh, of course, yeah.

I'll definitely be there.

Okay. Oh, I forgot to show you

something. Hang on.

[ electronic pop music play s ]

Eh?

I've never seen this.

It's your favorite.

Gary page.

So, what happened

to him, anyway?

Oh, I don't know.

He died or disappeared

or something about 10 years ago.

Stop! Stop!

Stop, you f***ing idiots!

You morons!

I always go

to sleep at midnight.

It's when I f***ing close

my eyes, isn't it?

F*** off, you f***ing paki!

[ crowd boo ing ]

oh, god.

Dad, I'm sorry.

I hadn't watched it

that far.

[ indistinct shouti ng ]

I always knew

he was a psycho.

Okay, so, um --

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Sure, sure.

Thank you.

Okay.

[ sighs ]

[ scoffs ]

What are you doing?

Nothing.

I just was wondering

if I should, uh,

Order a new suit

for the wedding.

You know,

what should I buy?

Um, I don't know.

Hmm.

Where were you last night?

Last night, I-I stayed

at my mother's house again,

Yeah, just thinking,

praying...

And stuff.

All right.

[ clears throat ]

Wasif:
Any driver at all --

cricklewood?

Sharif:
Oh, um, I got

some blokes with a van.

You know,

you said sort it,

To move some boxes

from your mum's.

Oh, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thank you, sharif.

Thank you. Sorry.

It's all right.

It's okay.

Sharif?

Yeah?

We're all friends,

aren't we?

Yeah.

I mean, we can tell

each other anything.

I hope so.

It's good to know.

[ indistinct conversations ]

That david schwimmer --

He's, uh, jewish, isn't he?

He's got enough money

to be, boss.

[ laughs ]

that's it, wasif.

Yeah, you're right, yeah --

rich, jewish...Wankers.

They're all jews

on american tv.

On tv? The whole country's

run by jews.

It's basically

the United States of israel.

Exactly, yeah.

Yeah, bloody jews.

I don't know

about all that.

They're people of the book,

aren't they?

Yeah, people of the checkbook,

more like.

[ laughter ]

that's funny.

That's a good one --

the people of the checkbook.

[ laughing ]

Oh, that's --

mahmud?

Yeah?

You all right?

Yeah, you know,

it was a good one. Yeah.

Anyway, uh, very good.

Keep up the good work.

Jew scum!

[ man speaking on radio ]

It's here on the left.

I put the cones

to reserve the space.

[ doorbell ringing ]

You got really f***ing --

I knew I shouldn't have rubbed

that f***ing lamp.

You american?

[ british accent ] nah, I'm a --

I'm a cockney sparrow.

Come on, move your cab.

[ normal voice ]

beg your pardon?

What happened to that

famed islamic politeness?

You saw the space was marked.

Move your f***ing cab!

Well, great. I've lived here

for 15 years!

I'll park

wherever I want to park!

Just move it up a bit further

up the road, all right?

I like that space.

I always park there.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I see,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's a bit like the

occupied territories, isn't it?

Oh, here it is!

Here it comes!

The anti-semitic stuff!

You heard it here first!

I'm not being

anti-semitic.

Oh, no?

What else you want

to call me, huh?

Hymie? Kike? Huh?

Bagel breath?

Bollocks.

No, no, no. No, no, no.

I'm not being anti-semitic.

Yeah? Yeah?

I can't be.

Yeah? Why not?

Because I'm a f***ing jew!

I'm a jew.

Sh*t!

Don't you dare tell anyone.

I'm the shoe bomber.

Pleasure to meet you.

No, listen to me. I just found

out I'm adopted by muslims.

My real parents...

Are jews.

[ laughs, snorts ]

Is that funny?

Why should I believe you?

Why the f***

should I make it up?

Well, that's a point.

Yeah.

No point in asking you to drop

your pants, because --

Because circumcised?

No, we all are.

Are you? We all are.

Yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know.

Word association.

Nah, what are you

talking about?

Come on, word association.

What for?

Car.

[ sighs ]

Volvo.

Right on.

Uh, happy.

Ish.

Two out of three.

Crystal.

Nacht.

Wow. Even I would have said,

"palace."

Still,

I don't know why --

yeah, but listen.

Listen, listen,

listen to me.

My real name --

well, my "birth" name...

Please don't do that.

...Is solly shimshileewitz.

Solly shimshileewitz?

Now do you believe me?

Why didn't they just call you

jewy jewjewjewjew

And be done with it?

It was nice talking to you,

all right? Fine.

That's almost as jewy a name

as izzy shimshileewitz.

What did you say?

Izzy shimshileewitz -- used

to live around here years ago.

There's an izzy shimshileewitz?

Well, where is he?

Is he still alive?

Where is he?

F*** knows.

Where are you going?

To move my cab.

What, 'cause you

just find out --

Yeah, welcome

to the worldwide conspiracy.

Would you like a chip?

Got one.

[ booing ]

[ doorbell ringing ]

Yes?

I called earlier

about izzy shimshileewitz.

You the guy that phoned five

of the jewish old-age homes?

Uh, yeah.

How did you know?

'cause we jewish old-age homes

Share info

for security purposes.

We're very tight

on that stuff,

Us jewish old-age homes --

Very tight.

Dad?

No!

I don't think so.

Firstly,

you appear to be...Muslim.

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